Iâm a gay male in my forties and Iâve been married to my husband for nine years. There was some mild infidelity on his part (exchanging photos and flirting via text with another guy) early in our relationship. I confronted him at the time, and he lied to me. I decided to let it go, as it was early in the relationship. Fast forward a few years and he gets crabs and gives them to me. He told me it was most likely from the volunteer work he does in a homeless shelter. I let it go again. Fast forward another couple years and Iâm feeling insecure and look on his iPad, and find confirmation that he was sleeping with the guy heâd exchanged photos and flirty texts with early in our relationship. This sent me into...
I chose to forgive and forget. The pain was too much to deal with and I just wanted to move on and get back to our lives. At the time we talked about having an open relationship and I told him I was cool with that, but I wasnât cool sharing my life with someone who lies to me so easily. We mutually decided that opening the relationship wasnât a great idea and never really discussed it again. Iâm happy I decided to move past this because the last four years have been great. We never fight, our sex life is good, we have a wonderful home and social life. I hadnât felt the need to sleuth on his devices in years. I felt secure in our relationship. Then two weeks ago I discovered he has crabs (again) after he gave them to me (again). He says he has no idea how he got them. This has obviously brought his history of lying and cheating back to the forefront and Iâm questioning so many things. I feel like the only way Iâll ever get the truth is if I find proof and fuck that. Iâm not going back to scouring his phone and devices. If Iâm staying, Iâm staying. But should I stay? Are all past infidelities moot at this point because weâve put them behind us? Can this new case of crabs be viewed in isolation? Can people get genital area crab infestations during a non-sensual massage? Or am I the idiot whose husband has been fucking around on him the whole time weâve been together?
Scratching Head And Meat
Whether or not you stay depends on what youâre willing to tolerate, SHAM. You were willing to tolerate being married to a guy who had cheated on you in the distant past. Can you tolerate being married to a guy who has most likely cheated on you in the recent past andâgiven his track recordâwill probably cheat on you again in the future?
Answer that question, SHAM, and youâll know what to do.
As for the new case of crabs, SHAM, sure, itâs possible your husband got them during a non-sensual massageâif the place wasnât clean, if they reuse towels and sheets without washing them, if they donât disinfect the massage table. I donât know why anyone would wanna get a massage at a filthy place like that, but maybe your husband isnât so choosy.
But I gotta say⌠it seems far likelier that your husband, a man who lied to your face the last time he got crabs, is lying to you again. Crabsâpubic liceâare almost always transmitted during pubes-to-pubes contact, e.g., someone who has crabs grinds their crotch against the crotch of someone who doesnât have crabs and then they both have crabs. That doesnât necessarily mean your husband had sex with a body worker. He may have gotten one of those full-body-contact massages that involve the masseuse stripping off and rubbing his body all over his clientâs bodyâand while I think that kind of massage qualifies as sensual, your husband may feel (and rationalize) differently.
So letâs go ahead assume the worst: Your husband never stopped cheating on you. Which means your husband is the same person heâs always been. Maybe heâs one of those guys who really wants to be monogamous and feels terrible every time he fucks around behind your back. Or maybe heâs one of those selfish jerks who doesnât want an honest open relationship because that would mean giving you the same freedom. Whatever it is, SHAM, heâs unlikely to change. So, what do you do?
Leaving him means giving up everything about your marriage that you enjoyâthe good sex life a decade in, the generally low-conflict intimacy, the home youâve made together, the social life you share. But if staying makes you feel like an idiot, SHAM, your anger (justified) and resentment (ditto) will eventually ruin what you enjoy about your marriage.
To be clear, SHAM, I donât think staying means youâre an idiot. But youâll have to make peace with who your husband is if you decide to stay. Not for his sake, for yours. Make peace with it again, I should say, as I donât think you stopped scouring his iPad and phone for evidence because you didnât think he was cheating on you. You stopped because you didnât want to know if he was.
If you do stay, SHAM, you might let your husband continue to think heâs risking his marriage when he cheats. That wonât stop himâit hasnât up to now, right?âbut your husband will be less likely to seize every opportunity that comes his way if he thinks heâs risking his marriage. If you donât hand a DADT card and/or tell him youâve made peace with his cheating, SHAM, heâll redouble his efforts to be discreet and continue to be careful to use condoms with other guys so as to avoid exposing you to a more serious STI. (I say âcontinue to be carefulâ because if heâs been cheating on you all this time and only brought crabs home, SHAM, then he was probably being careful, i.e., using condoms, with other guys.)
For the record, SHAM, I donât think this solution is idealâmaking peace with who your husband is but not telling himâbecause Iâm a fan of ethical non-monogamy. But youâre never gonna get ethical non-monogamy out of your husband. Youâre gonna keep getting what youâve been getting all along. If thatâs unacceptable, if you canât live with that, you should definitely leave. If you can live with that, if you can resume ignoring what you kinda knew all along, you might be able to stay.
Good luck.
If the condom breaks, who do you think should pay for Plan B?
Settle This Argument
The government.
I am on the cusp of starting a sexual relationship with a newly paraplegic man. (We're both in our late 20s and cis het if that matters.) He hasn't had any sexual partners since his injury, so he hasn't had much opportunity to experiment with what works for him now. Heâs told me he has no sensation below his belly button. I'm not sure if he's been able to achieve an erection since becoming paraplegic, but he said he hasnât been able to orgasm since it happened. I'm hoping that you (or your experts or readers) might have some advice and/or resources for us. I want to make sure that the experience is as satisfying for him as it can be.
Sensitive Personal Issues Need Exploration
Reading the blog post âKeeping the Romance Alive After a Spinal Cord Injuryâ at Spinalcord.com. There are some great insights, SPINE, and lots of useful links.
My advice: you wanna have a satisfying sexual experience with this guyâhis first since his injuryâand thatâs great. But youâre more likely to have a positive experience if you donât make it all about his dick. While you shouldnât ignore his dick, SPINE, you need to go into this encounterâyou both need to go into this encounterâbelieving you can have a rewarding and successful sexual experience even if he canât get hard or climax. Itâs going to take him some time figure out what works for him nowâwhat he needs to get hard, what he needs to get offâand in the meantime, SPINE, his tongue works, his arms work, his hands work. And non-PIV sexâor any other kind of sex in the absence of one or more erectionsâisnât some sad consolation prize. Theyâre satisfying sexual experiences for everybody involved and, just as importantly, theyâre things he can excel at, right now, erection or no erection. If you want him to come out of his first sexual experience after his injury feeling more confident about his body and his abilities, center mutual pleasure, not his cock.
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