
I have a friend who is a trans man. Recently he just got out of a shitty relationship. His ex suddenly lost interest in him and wouldnât work with him on fixing it. Heâs heartbroken. He told me women often reject him once they find out he is trans and heâs tired of endless rejections. We met in the college town where he still lives, but our entire friend circle (including me) has moved away. Even without the trans part, itâs not easy to be a 30-something single man in a liberal college town. Heâs convinced heâs doomed to be alone. I donât want to be dismissive about his experience as a trans person (Iâm a cis woman), but I keep trying to walk the fine line of encouraging my friend to reach out, meet people through community events,...
Friend Really In Extreme Distress
The only thing worse than being dumped by someone who refuses to âwork with you on fixing itâ is being dumped by someone who already made up their mind to dump youâmeaning the relationship was already deadâbut then wasted months or years of your life pretending to work on it. So, if your friendâs ex knew it was over, FRIED, they did your friend a favor by refusing to go through the motions of âworking on it.â
That would come as cold comfort to your friend, of course, so donât pass it on to him. But continue to give him the advice youâve been giving him, which is both standard and excellent. Get out of the house, do shit, go places, meet peopleâthatâs the same advice I wouldâve given him and itâs the same advice every other advice columnist on the planet wouldâve given him. And, almost without a doubt, itâs the same advice your friend wouldâve given or already has given to a friend of his own after a breakup. That your friend hasnât taken your advice yetâthat heâs still wallowing in his griefâdoesnât mean your advice was bad, FRIED, only that heâs not ready to take it.
As for dating while transâŚ
Iâve visited a lot of liberal college towns and they tend to be more welcoming and accepting places for trans people than, say, your average Alaskan fishing village. And most womenâcis or transâarenât going to wanna fuck or date with your friend. (And he is open to dating trans women, right?) Iâm gay and most menâcis or transâdonât wanna sleep with me. Now, men who find me attractive donât reject me once they realize Iâm gay, but being rejected by a woman who initially found him attractive after he discloses that heâs trans? That rejection is gonna sting more. But your friend can avoid that kind of rejection by disclosing right away. My friends with HIV who donât wanna deal with the drama of having to disclose and being rejected for it put it out there right away. Since your friend is eventually going to have to come out to the women he dates, putting the fact that heâs trans on his dating profilesâdisclosing it right awayâtells women who might have a problem with it to keep moving. In other words, FRIED, your friend has the power to flip the rejection script by essentially saying, âIâm trans and if youâre not open to dating a trans man, please show yourself out.â Instead of waiting to be rejected by cis women who wonât date trans men, heâll be rejecting those women first.
And finallyâŚ
If grown-ass adults in their twenties want to date him, your friend should date them. Refusing to date someone due to something they canât control or change about themselvesâtheir ageâseems discriminatory (ageist!), patronizing (people in their twenties are adults!), and in your friendâs case, hypocritical (he doesnât enjoy being rejected over something he canât control or change). But my hunch is that your friend is just making excuses. Give him a little more time to wallow, FRIED, keep urging him to do the obvious (get out, go places, do shit, meet people), and in a few months your friend will be introducing you to his new partnerâand itâs probably going to be someone in their twenties he met at a community event who later saw his profile on Tinder and swiped right on his openly trans ass.
You recently posted a letter from a woman who was dating an âage appropriateâ man. Could you please define that phrase for me? I am a 65-year-old straight white guy. Twice married, twice divorced. I was once told that a guy could divide his age in half, and then add the number 13 to that number to get the minimum age for a potential partner. I donât know where those numbers came from but using that formula, I come up with a minimum age of 45. I am open to dating women my age, or older than me. But so far, my contacts with older women have not led anywhere. I guess the bottom line is that these days I find myself attracted to younger women. Thatâs all there is to it. So, I am hoping to get some guidance from you on this subject.
Aging Gentleman Enquires Sincerely
Oh, wowâone of those rare older men into younger women. Donât see your kind every day.
Fuck, marry, or keep any consenting adult whoâll have you. Be realistic about your prospects (twice divorced and getting up there), AGES, and make a conscientious effort to control for dickful thinking, i.e., the kind of wishful thinking men of all ages engage in when their dicks are hard. Also, donât be cluelessly coercive. Straight guys need to bear in mind that women are taught to prioritize menâs needs over their own (thatâs the way women are socialized) and to fear male violence (thatâs the way women are terrorized). Consequently, many women find it difficult and/or scary to say ânoâ to a man. So, when a woman gives you an ambiguous answer (âIâm very flatteredâ), or gently deflects (âIâm very busyâ), take that as a âno.â
Iâm a 30-year-old straight, cis woman and Iâve been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for a year. I love him and the sex is mind-blowing when it happensâwhich is about twice a week when Iâm not spotting. We can only have sex when he initiates, but thereâs more. Iâm on the pill and I often spot a little from the second week to the moment my period comes, a side effect with which I am okay. However, if any blood is present, nothing can happen since heâs disgusted by it. He wonât have anal sex because heâs disgusted by feces. He wonât play with me and a toy when thereâs blood present, even a drop, and he wonât go down on me at all, as he doesnât like it. He also doesnât want me touching myself when I go down on him, as he finds it distracting. Opening the relationship is not an option for him. It seems to me that anything that does not revolve around his penis penetrating something and coming out perfectly clean is a turnoff for him. While I feel hurt, I also wonder if Iâm being abusive by asking him to do things that he doesnât like to do. When I bring up the topic he insists this is my problem, not his. Is there a way forward?
Frustrated About Intimate Life Under Restrictive Edicts
P.S. Is he a product of the patriarchy or am I insane?
Thereâs no way forward, FAILURE, thereâs only a way out: DTMFA.
If youâd like to present your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend with a lovely parting gift, FAILURE, I suggest getting him a toaster and a Fleshlight. Duct tape them together, leave them on your side of the bed, take your shit and go. Because itâs a warm, silent hole your boyfriend wants for a partner, FAILURE, not a woman with a fully functioning suite of female reproductive organs, to say nothing of a woman with needs, wants, or desires of her own. I strongly suspect your ex-boyfriend wonât miss you or your vagina that bleeds or your ass that poops or your mouth that opens and asks for perfectly reasonable things, FAILURE, and Iâm confident that even if you miss him at first, you wonât miss him for long. Because within a week youâll realize being alone is better than being with a selfish piece of tyrannical shit.
Yeah, yeah: You love him. Youâd pretty much have to love himâor youâd have to convince yourself you loved himâto put up with his shit for a week, much less a year. But the longer you stay in this relationship, FAILURE, the greater your frustration and resentment will grow, and a day will inevitably come when youâre no longer in love him and whatâs left of your self-esteem, self-confidence, and sense of sexual agency will have been destroyed. Donât wait until the love is gone and the damage is permanent to leave this asshole. Leave him now.
P.S. I donât know if the patriarchy made your boyfriend the asshole he is, FAILURE, but itâs definitely the patriarchy that has you doubting your own sanity.
P.P.S. Please donât âwork on fixing itâ before you dump this assholeâand you arenât required to get him a parting gift, lovely or otherwise. Get yourself a powerful vibrator instead.
mail@savagelove.net
Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage.
Check out my new website at Savage.Love!