Iām a fan from Italy, so please excuse my English. Iāve been in a hetero relationship with my boyfriend for seven years, weāre both around 30, and we love each other and blah blah blah. Sex is very good but quite standard since we have no particular kinks or fetishes. I always reach orgasm before penetration, but only with fingering. It turns me on when he goes down on me, but it doesnāt ādo the trick.ā After I come, I feel something is missing if we donāt have penetrative sex that ends with him coming inside me. But because that part isnāt a lot of fun for meābeing penetrated doesnāt make me come, and Iām being penetrated after I comeāI usually urge him to come quickly, which is a bit frustrating for him. Is it weird that I...
Iām a fan from Italy, so please excuse my English. Iāve been in a hetero relationship with my boyfriend for seven years, weāre both around 30, and we love each other and blah blah blah. Sex is very good but quite standard since we have no particular kinks or fetishes. I always reach orgasm before penetration, but only with fingering. It turns me on when he goes down on me, but it doesnāt ādo the trick.ā After I come, I feel something is missing if we donāt have penetrative sex that ends with him coming inside me. But because that part isnāt a lot of fun for meābeing penetrated doesnāt make me come, and Iām being penetrated after I comeāI usually urge him to come quickly, which is a bit frustrating for him.Ā Is it weird that I need this kind of āclosureā to sex? Is it weird that I want him coming inside me under these conditions? Where does this need come from? Iām sure youāll have a great answer!
Weird Orgasmic Needs Defy Easy Rationales
Youāre in a better position to judge where this need of yours comes fromāand youāre most likely in the missionary position (not that thereās anything wrong with that!)ābut if I were to hazard a guessā¦
Sex meets our physical need for touch, for pleasure, and for release, WONDER, but it also meets emotional needs. And sometimes what a sex act and/or an eroticized act symbolizes is just as or more important than how it feels. It means something to youāsomething importantāwhen your boyfriend comes inside you during PIV intercourse. And since your boyfriend comes inside you after youāve already comeāusually after youāve asked him to hurry things alongāitās not about your pleasure in that moment. Itās not about how it feels, WONDER, itās about what it means. Your physical needs have already been satisfied; your boyfriend got you off with his fingers. But sex doesnāt feel real and complete for you until your boyfriend comes inside you. In the momentāin those momentsāitās more about whatās going on between your ears, i.e., more of what sex means than how it feels.
Seeing as you read my column, WONDER, you must know (I hope you know) that two or more people can have a satisfying and meaningful sexual encounter that leaves them feeling connected and satisfied without anyone being penetrated during PIV or PIT or PIB and without anyone coming inside anyone else. Indeed, a person can have a meaningful sexual encounter that leaves them feeling satisfied without coming at all.
But if you want to shake things up with the boyfriendāif you occasionally wanna give your boyfriend a chance to enjoy fucking you without being hurried alongāyou could always wait to come until after he does. Now, youāre a grown-ass, sexually active, thirty-year-old-or-thereabouts citizen of the European Union, WONDER, and Iām guessing this may have already occurred to you. But Iām going to toss it out there just in case: Let your boyfriend go down on you until youāre completely turned on, then let him take his time fucking you until he comes, and thenāand only thenālet him finger you until you come.
Iāve been with my partner for three years and we recently decided to dip our toes in the waters of swinging. We were on agreement about only doing a āsoft swapā to start and then seeing where it led. We met up with a few couples and hit it off with one. At first my boyfriend was super respectful of my boundaries but heās become obsessed with being on swinging apps all the time. He enjoys the āreality porn,ā meaning the profiles, and thatās fair. But heās secretive AF about it. If itās all out in the open, why does he need to be secretive?!? Iāve broached the subject and the conversation always ends with him saying, āIām sorry! Iām just bored! Iām not looking for anyone else!ā But his obsession is starting to affect my self-esteem. We have a stellar sex life, and I am a ravenous woman. Itās not like we have a ādead bedroomā problem here. I had a conversation with him last night about whether we need to shut the whole thing down. I said that if this is something heād like to continue with on his own, then heās free to do soāas a single man. I donāt want to hold him back if thatās what he needs in his life, but Iām also not going to suffer because of it. I donāt know what else to do. Iād love to hear your thoughts on navigating this.
Seriously Worried About Partnerās Obsession
There are two possible explanations for why your boyfriend suddenly started being so secretive and squirrelly about what heās doing on that swinging app. First, he could be cheating or planning to cheat. He could be doing something that violates the rules you hammered out when you opened the relationship, e.g., meeting up with a couple on his own, or he could be making plans to do something that breaks those rules, e.g., talking with couples about doing a full swap. Second possible explanation: Your boyfriend came down with a bad case of kid-in-the-candy-shop, got carried away, and knew, even before you said something, that this was annoying you. But instead of dialing it back, heās tried to hide it from you. Dickful thinking may even have led him to believe that he was being considerate of your feelings when he attempted to hide what he was doing.
Either way, SWAPO, you issued an ultimatumāif he doesnāt knock this shit off youāre going to put a stop to it (the swinging) or put an end to it (the relationship)āand soon youāll know what you have to do.
Iām a 60-year-old gay man with a 35-year-old straight male friendāand no, this letter is not going where you think itās going. We have become best friends without benefits.Ā We have a lot of common interests, and we enjoy doing things together on the weekend.Ā I've never gotten any indication that he has any sexual interest in me and I'm not going to ruin our friendship by making sexual advances to him.Ā Last year I went through a very difficult time personally, involving an illness and multiple deaths in my family. He was there for me completelyāreally, above and beyond anything I could have expected.Ā I would like to get him a gift to express my gratitude for his support and I can afford to be extravagant.Ā The problem is, I don't want to get him something extravagant if there's a risk my generosity might be interpreted as a come-on.Ā Our friendship works because we respect each otherās boundaries, and I don't want him thinking I've suddenly tried to cross one. So, here is my question:Ā What does a 60-year-old gay man give a straight man half his age that will convey appreciation for his support during a difficult time in my life but will not convey a desire for sex?Ā Or is there such a gift?
Fully Recovered And Thankful
Itās easier for me to rule things out than it is for me to rule things in, FRAT, seeing as that, save for his age and straightness, I know next to nothing about your friend. I mean, you already know not to get your straight friend a pricey leather sling or a shiny latex gimpsuit, right? You donāt need me to tell you that, do you?
So, besides pussy, what does your straight friend like? Does he like football? Get him a pair of tickets to see the team he crushes on hardest and encourage him to take a friend (or a date) that shares his passion for that kind of straight bullshit. Does he like video games? Get him one of those giant TVs straight gamer boys like to play games on. Does he like going places and is he fully vaccinated? Get him airline vouchers and give him enough cash to cover a nice hotel and food and tell him to go have a great fully vaccinated vacation on you. Or maybe thereās something he needs rather than wantsākind of like you needed emotional and logistical support during your illness and family tragedies? If he needs his credit cards paid down, pay āem down. If he needs his car paid off, pay it off.
And if youāre worried that he might misinterpret your generosity as a come-on or as a precedent (that lavish gifts will keep coming) or as a burden (that you expect lavish gifts in return), address all those possible misinterpretations in the card : āYou were such a generous and giving friend during an extremely difficult time in my life and I wanted to do something special for youājust this onceāto thank you. I hope we will always be friends.ā
Finally, FRAT, thereās also the option of giving him something reasonableāmaybe tickets to a football game countsāand then writing that straight boy into your will. He definitely wonāt think youāre trying to get into his pants after youāre dead.
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