My boyfriend is male, I am female, and weâve been together almost three years. We live alone in separate homes, but spend about three or four nights a week together. We're both fully vaxxed and boosted, and we mask in public, etc. On the Monday before Christmas, I started feeling mild symptoms but tested negative. My boyfriend felt fine, and we spent a few nights together that week. On the morning of Christmas Eve, I take a second at-home test and itâs positive. So, I cancelled plans to see a friend that afternoon and spoke to my boyfriend. Our Christmas Eve plans involved dinner with some of his family members. An hour later he calls and says he tested negative and that he thinks the best thing would be for me to isolate alone on Christmas Eve and...
Flamingly Upset Couple Knows Conflict Over Virus Is Dumb
âIâm not going to assign the title of âassholeâ to either the letter writer, or her boyfriend,â said Dr. Stacy De-Lin, M.D., a board-certified physician who shares sound science about COVID-19 on her invaluable Instagram account. âBut there is a clear public health answer to this question: the writer should have isolated away from her boyfriend as soon as she knew she was positive, and her boyfriend, having known he had a significant exposure, should not have attended any family gatherings.â
While Dr. De-Lin doesnât feel comfortable assigning the title of âassholeâ to either of you, FUCKCOVID, Iâm gonna go ahead and cut the asshole in half hereâin a display of Solomonic wisdomâand award the title of âassholeâ to both of you. But you shouldnât feel too bad about that, FUCKCOVID, seeing as this never-ending pandemic is bringing out the asshole in all of us.
âIn addition to addressing public health, we also need to address the incredible mental health toll that nearly two years of a pandemic has taken on all of us,â said Dr. De-Lin. âMany of us longed to see our families and friends and were devastated when those plans were once again upended this year. Furthermore, the guidance on rapid testing, as well as the guidance on what vaccinated folks can and can't do, has been constantly changing. So, it's no wonder that her boyfriend still wanted to find a way to see his family and thought he could do so safely, and that the writer didn't want to be alone on Christmas when I'm sure she was already feeling so isolated.â
And to put things in perspective, FUCKCOVID, itâs not like you punched a flight attendant or said, âLetâs Go, Brandon!â to Joe and Jill Biden on Christmas Eve. All you did was get upset. And you were right about one thing: If your boyfriend was gonna see anyone on Christmas Eve, it shouldâve been you. Considering how much time youâd spent together after you became symptomatic (but before testing positive), you could reasonably argue that if you were going to expose him, youâd already exposed him. So, in the spirit of harm reduction, he couldâve and shouldâve cancelled his plans with his family and spent the holiday with you instead. And thatâs what he did, right? So, as much as the suggestion that you spend Christmas alone may have upset you, you didnât spend Christmas alone, right?
So, maybe give your asshole boyfriend some credit for that?
All that said, your boyfriend could reasonably argue that you couldâve and shouldâve isolated yourself at the onset of your symptoms and not spent multiple nights with him before you predictably tested positive. But if you were to let go of your anger about him suggesting you spend Christmas alone, maybe that would inspire him to let go of his anger about not seeing his family. Because at the end of the day, FUCKCOVID, it was the same desire for human contact that prompted you to put your boyfriend at risk (by hanging out with him after the onset of symptoms) and prompted your boyfriend to contemplate putting his family at risk (by hanging out with them after a significant exposure). So, recognizing your mutual assholery, maybeâin the spirit of the holidayâyou two can forgive each other and move the fuck on.
While I had Dr. De-Lin on the line, I asked her for some advice for all of usâall us assholesâon getting through the next wave of this seemingly-never-ending pandemic.
âWe have ways that we can prevent the spread of the Omicron variant: get vaccinated and boosted, isolate when positive or after a high-risk exposure, wear masks in indoor settings, and keep gatherings outdoors,â said Dr. De-Lin. âThe COVID Omicron variant is not only significantly more infectious than any variant we've seen so far, but itâs also coming at the worst possible time: the holiday season. So, it's running rampant through the country and the world, and hospitals are already at the breaking point, making it more important than ever to avoid catching and spreading the virus.â
And as difficult as it might seem right nowâand it seems mighty difficultâtaking the long view will help us get through this.
âItâs important to remember that this wave, and the pandemic itself, will get much better, and we will be able to gather with our families and friends again in the ways that we used to, without fear,â said Dr. De-Lin. âIn the meantime, I hope that the letter writer and her boyfriend, and all of us, can be patient and forgiving with each other in these challenging times.â
Follow Dr. Stacy De-Lin on Instagram @stacydelin_md.
In the mid to late 1980s when I was a toddler, my father had an affair. For some reason, he confessed to my mother in the early 1990s. She was furious, and they separated for two years. My sister and I stayed with our mom during the week, and we shared a room in our fatherâs two-bedroom apartment on the weekends. During this time my mother frequently and loudly badmouthed him and would call him âthe man in the apartment.â After two years they got back together, probably âfor the kids,â but my mom constantly held the infidelity over my fatherâs head. My sister and I were aware of the former mistress's name, as my mother would bring her up whenever we passed by a motel or at other random moments. She still refers to my father as âthe man in the apartment.â
I hated this and I thought we all would have been better off had they just divorced. Their histrionics (her histrionics) and some incredibly punitive nuns instilled in me, a heterosexual male, the idea that boys are stupid and bad, and girls are mean and inflict punishment. I developed shame about being male coupled with a resentment of women, issues Iâm still working through. Now my parents are well into their 70s and my mother has actually gotten worse. My mother somehow found his former mistress online and uses her photo as her screensaver. She brings up the affair constantly and bullies my father about it daily. This has been going on for thirty years! Right now, Iâm out of town for the holidays with my mom and my sister and my dad told me he might move out before she returns. Is this salvageable? Should I insist he stay? For the first half of my life (Iâm nearly forty) I was firmly on âTeam Mom.â That has radically shifted in recent years. My dad can be a real jackass, but he has carried this cross for too long and doesn't deserve this.
Sad And Disappointed Seeing Ongoing Nightmare
âThe victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage,â as famed psychotherapist and author Esther Perel says, and your parentsâ marriage may be the best single example of a marriage where the cheater is (or became) the victim. Yes, SADSON, your dad wronged your mom when he had that affair thirty years ago. (An affair he shouldâve kept his mouth shut about.) But if your mom couldnât bring herself to forgive your dad and/or couldnât stop punishing himâor, worse yet, if she only took him back so she could punish him every day for the rest of his lifeâthen your mom long ago ceded the moral high ground to your dad. Someone who canât forgive infidelity in a reasonable period of time (like, say, during a two-year separation) has no business taking a cheating spouse back. And someone who canât resist involving their children in a long, vindictive, self-pitying campaign to destroy their cheating spouse has no business having children in the first place.
Your dad should move out, your mom should get a mental health assessment, and you and your sister should stopâfinallyâallowing your mother to abuse you like this.
P.S. I hope there were other women.
Iâm just writing to say thanks. When I was a teenager back in the late 2000s, my head was filled with fantasies of sadism and domination, and I was convinced I was a monster. But I found your column and every once in a while, you answered a question from someone about hardcore BDSM. No matter how (consensually) cruel and unusual someoneâs fantasies were, you always spoke non-judgmentally about best practices in BDSM safety and wished them well. Yours was the first voice to ever tell me, even indirectly, that my sexual fantasies werenât the mark of a broken and irredeemably evil mind. It was the first step on the road to learning to love myself. You probably hear that sort of thing from a lot of readers, but even so. I wanted to tell you that your column basically saved my life. I canât thank you enough.
Savageâs Advice, Dude, It Saved Me
Thank you for the very sweet note, SADISM, and hereâs hoping my column didnât just make you feel better about your fantasies, but also inspired you to go find consenting adult partners who wanted to realize them with and for you!
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