My partner and I have been together nearly thirty years. He was never as into sex/romance/intimacy as much as I was, and things got worse after he had a malignant brain tumor removed six years ago. After chemo and a stem cell transplant, he is now cancer-free. However, he lost all interest in sexual and romantic activity after his tumor was discovered. Three years ago, I risked bringing this up, as I still have needs and desires, and he told me he’s happy with how things are. I am not. I told him I want to be able to satisfy my needs elsewhere on occasion, very discreetly, and he does not want me to do that. We tried to be intimate a few weeks ago with “moderate” success. There were no orgasms, and after thirty minutes, we stopped. This past weekend, we were supposed to try again, but he told me he just couldn’t. He has zero sexual desire. He has not seen a medical doctor for any tests, although his oncologist told him a few years ago that there is nothing medically wrong with him anymore. My patience is running out. If he doesn’t want sex, that’s fine. But he shouldn’t deny me the right to get my needs met. Am I wrong? BTW, I’m 63 years old and retired, and he’s 57 years old and works full time from home. We have a beautiful home and get along well with the exception of sex. Something has to change. I am not looking to end the relationship. I’ve tried to get him on board so that I don’t feel like I’m betraying and cheating on him, to no avail. I welcome any advice.
Wants And Needs The Sex
Anyone who’s been reading my column for more than three months knows what I’m gonna say in response to this question — DWYNTDTSMASN — so I’m gonna say something else instead.
We know from our own personal experiences and from the experiences of others that two people can be in love without being on the same page at the same time. One person might be ready to have a big “define the relationship” conversation before the other is ready. One person might be ready to say, “I love you,” before the other is ready to hear it or say it back. One person may want monogamy and the other person may not want a sexually exclusive relationship. One person might be ready to get engaged or married or pregnant before the other is ready for marriage and/or kids.
We talk about these discordant moments with our friends and families — moments when we aren’t on the exact same page with our romantic partners — and we watch these conflicts play out in romcoms and sitcoms. So, we often know before we find ourselves in a relationship where we’re not on the same page with our partner that it’s possible for two people to get on the same page — about marriage or monogamy or kids — because we’ve seen it done, we’ve heard about it being done, and we may have done it ourselves once or twice already.
No couple gets on the same page about everything, of course, but no relationship goes the distance — no relationship lasts decades — if a couple can’t get on the same page about the big things. Defining the relationship, getting engaged, getting married, whether to have kids: since most of the big things we have to get on the same page about come early in a relationship, once we’ve resolved them it’s easy to coast along thinking these kinds of conversations are behind us.
And then we’re blindsided when our partner is done with sex — for whatever reason — and we aren’t.
Alright, WANTS, my heart goes out to you and your partner. Having a brain tumor removed and going through chemo and getting a stem-cell transplant had to be incredibly stressful — for both of you. The collapse of your partner’s libido could be tied to the health challenges he faced or it could be a coincidence, as some people lose interest in sex as they age. If your partner truly doesn’t miss sex, WANTS, he might not be motivated to see a doctor to address his libido issues. Or if he’s not interested in having sex with you anymore — which is a thing that sometimes happens after decades together (forgive me for being blunt) — he might not wanna see a doctor because an unaddressed medical condition and/or hormonal imbalance gives him an out that (he thinks) spares your feelings.
There are a few ways to resolve this issue:
1. You press the issue and your partner refuses to give you permission to discreetly seek sex elsewhere — he demands that you honor the monogamous commitment you made back when he was fucking you — and you never get to have again for the rest of your life.
2. You press the issue and your partner gives you permission — tacitly or explicitly — to discreetly seek sex elsewhere; your relationship becomes tolyamorous (tacit permission) or DADT (explicit), and you never have to talk about sex again with your partner.
3. You press the issue and your partner refuses to give you permission to seek sex elsewhere but you give yourself permission to do what you need to do to stay married and stay sane and you pray you never get caught.
So, you’re gonna have to press the issue, WANTS, as that’s your only hope for getting on same page with your partner about this final issue. And if you can’t manage to get on the same page with him, WANTS, then you’ll have to choose between options one and three. Good luck.
P.S. I’m going to re-up my call here for people who are getting very serious about someone — moving in, getting married, having kids — to have a conversation now about what you will do if and/or when one you is done with sex and the other one isn’t.
