My wife and I are a lesbian married couple in Chicago. We are also proud moms to our wonderful, dynamic 17-year-old trans son. “Michael” is a great kid, and we have always enjoyed a close relationship. It has recently come to light that he is engaging in penetrative sex with men he meets on a gay hookup app. We discovered this because of bloody laundry which we thought was breakthrough bleeding, a trip to his gender doc and a subsequent chlamydia diagnosis brought this all out. Since this revelation — and after a lecture about safe-sex practices — I am now living in a state of terror. I’m terrified our son will be a victim of sexual violence. I am terrified that he will be emotionally scarred by some fetishist. I am terrified he will get a life-threatening STI. My instincts are telling me to take a leave from work, and whisk him away from the city and talk and talk until he sees the danger of this behavior. Is that an over-reaction? Are there therapists who specialize in this? Is there any way this will work out well for him? I desperately want to do right by my son, and he is acting like this is “no big deal,” but my mama instincts are screaming shut this down!
Manic Over My Son
The stage of life your child is going through — the transition to adulthood autonomy (which kids do without a fully functioning pre-frontal cortex) — is filled with risk, and you can’t protect your child from all of it.
Zooming out for a second: The age of consent in Illinois is seventeen. I don’t wanna get derailed by a debate about whether that number is too low, but that’s the number. So, no laws were broken. But polices were violated: your son is too young to be on Grindr or Scruff or Sniffies; you have to be eighteen to get on those apps, and it’s inarguably far too easy for minors to get on them. And while meeting strangers is always risky, the apps are a normal part of gay life and most queer people find their partners, life and otherwise, on the apps. And most gay and bi men I know under 35, both cis and trans, got on the apps the moment they turned 18; they had good and bad experiences — and sometimes their moms had to get involved — but most survived and learned from their mistakes.
Moving on…
Your instinct to “shut this down” is understandable — you love your son and you wanna protect him from the predators — but your plan won’t work. Even if you were to whisk your son off to Peoria, he can download hookup apps just as easily downstate. And he’s seventeen, MOMS, not fourteen… which means he’s almost an adult. So, instead of locking your son in the basement for the next year (or ten), get him on PrEP, keep communicating (talk and talk and talk at home), and let him know his moms are ready, willing, and able to swoop in when he needs help. Lecture him about regular STI testing, ask him where he’s going and who’s he’s doing, and tell him — from me — that adult men who fuck teenagers can’t be trusted. And find him a therapist, if you haven’t already, who specializes in working with trans teens, and identify one or two adults in his life — people you know and trust — that your son can turn to for confidential advice.
As for being emotionally scarred by some fetishist…
Your fears are understandable. Unfortunately for you and your son, it’s hard to draw a clean line between cis men who are attracted to trans men for the right reasons and cis men who fetishize trans men. (Your son has probably encountered both types already.) But not every man who is drawn to trans men is a fetishist. So, he’s going to meet some men who are attracted to everything about him — including the fact that he’s trans — and fetishists who are only interested in him for one reason. The sooner he learns to tell these guys apart, the better. And like all gay and bi men — like everyone — your son is going to walk away from some sexual encounters feeling used in ways that leave him feeling demeaned and dehumanized and from others feeling used in ways that make him feel powerful and desirable. (And if he’s on PrEP before he walks in, you don’t have to worry about him walking out with a life-threatening STI.)
In addition to getting your son on PrEP right now and off the apps until he turns 18 (he agrees to phone spot checks or he loses his phone), you should encourage your son to recognize his own sexual worth. Some trans people are convinced no one will want them, MOMS, so they jump at — or jump on — anyone who shows interest. One of the lessons your son should take from his experiences thus far is this: there are men out there who are interested in him. Which means he can hold out for guys who aren’t just interested in him as a trans man, but as a person; he can hold out for guys who will have a conversation with him about safety, not just guys who wanna know how soon he can come over; he can hold out for guys who might be interested in dating him, not just hooking up with him. I’ve personally watched trans friends go from a scarcity mindset (“No will want me, I have to take what I can get”) to an abundance mindset (“Lots of people want me, I can afford to be choosey”) and it transformed their lives.
It’s going to be a rocky few years, MOMS, but with his moms on his side, I’m confident your son will make it one piece. Good luck.
Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast: A very happy Feast of the Ass to you all! We asked you to send us your carols and boy, did you ever deliver. Hear a smattering of our picks, and we unearthed an olde choral piece that you and your family will surely treasure.
On the Magnum, everyone is talking about Babygirl—the new erotic thriller starring Nicolle Kidman. Dan brings on author and podcaster Rebecca Woolf, who has written about women who have been societally shamed or stigmatized for their sexuality, infidelity, and/or refusal to subscribe to social norms. They dish over the movie and argue about the ending. Spoiler city. Listen here!
