1. Iām a heterosexual woman married to a heterosexual man, and weāve been together fourteen years. We have two kids. We met in our late 20s, weāre now in our early 40s, and needless to say we are WILDLY different people ā from who we used to be, and from each other, frankly. After having two kids, I only just got my libido back at the age of 41. But my husband and I have also been going through therapy and working on a number of issues. My point is, I really want to open a discussion with him about being non-monogamous but Iām terrified and nervous about how to bring this up with him. I need some help!
Ā Just say it ā but say it in the presence of (and with the assistance of) a sex-positive couplesā counselor. Figuring out to tell him you wanna start fucking againā¦ but not just him (which heās likely to hear as ājust not youā)ā¦ is going to be tricky and youāre gonna need a professional assist.
Ā 2. My partner and I were traveling in Thailand. She got a vaginal discharge and asked me if I had slept with anyone else since I last saw her. I lied out of fear she would break up with me and said, āNo.ā Iāve now lost her. I apologized, sent flowers, and offered to go to counseling with her and she is giving me the silent treatment. Is there anything I can do to retrieve the relationship?
Nope.
3. Iām a queer woman in her senior year of college, whoās still a virgin. On one hand, I know people are ready for sex at different times, and I didnāt come out of the closet until college, so I feel like I should be more patient with myself. On the other hand, I want to get it over with. But I donāt even know how to go about hooking up with someone. I have a hard time talking to people. Iām insecure about my body, I worry Iāll say or do something stupid, and I worry Iāll fuck up any relationship I enter. What do I do?
Everyone is insecure about something related to their bodies, everyone worries about saying or doing something stupid, and everyone worries that theyāre going to fuck up their relationships. The only thing that separates you from people arenāt still virgins is a willingness to take āyesā for an answer when people find you attractive. Also helpful: accepting that ā like everyone else ā youāre gonna do and stupid things from time to time. In most cases, the person youāre seeing will laugh off the stupid things you say and do, just as youāll laugh off they stupid things they say and do. Saying or doing something seriously stupid will definitely fuck up your relationship ā check out Q#2 ā but not all fuck ups are fatal.
P.S. Get on the apps (breaking the ice over DM is easier than breaking it face-to-face), be honest about your inexperience, and donāt settle for someone who isnāt giving you generous, patient, and kind vibes.
Ā 4. I love having my tits groped but how do I communicate this to guys I hook up with in a way that is sexy? I feel so much shame around communicating my inner slutty desires.
If you canāt bring yourself to use your words ā if you canāt bring yourself to ask for what you want (like a slut would) ā take the hands of the guy youāre hooking up with and place them on your breasts. Put your own hands on top his hands and show him how you how much pressure you enjoy ā show him how you like to be groped ā by applying that same pressure to his hands.
Ā 5. Is there a way to tell a partner what you want in the moment while keeping it sexy?
If itās something easily incorporated into the action ā you want your partner to call you something specific or hold you down or spit in your mouth ā confidentially asking your partner to do that thing is sexy. (āSpit in my mouth, please.ā) If itās something that canāt easily be incorporated into the action ā you want your partner to tie you down or get a fist in you ā initiate a little dirty talk with your partner about this hot-but-complicated thing you wanna do with them at some point down the road.
Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week onĀ the Lovecast: A woman has been in a casual friends-with-benefits relationship. The sex is fantastic. But he started showing up less and lessā¦ and then she discovered he gave her an STI. He feels terrible about it, so heās continued to back away. But she still wants his succulent D! Should she ask him to keep the ābenefitsā coming or accept that sheās been friend-zoned by the guy who gave her an STI?
Yes, being friend-zoned is tough stuff, but have you ever been unjustly incarcerated for four years in an Italian prison? This weekās guest Amanda Knox has and she offers her perspective on relationship problems with humor and grace. Amanda talks with Dan about her prison hustle, the value of awkwardness, and how to protect yourself when NRE (new relationship energy) clouds your thinking. Amandaās new book ā Free: My Search for Meaning ā is out now, and highly recommended. LISTEN HERE!
