I’m a 33-year-old gay man in a big city. I am currently in a five-month relationship with a wonderful, sweet man who loves me very much. I love him too. Prior to this I was in a throuple for three years. That relationship was toxic. I was the new addition to the throuple, and I was more in love with one of them. There were a lot of jealousy issues, and a lot of hurt that took me a long time to get over when I finally moved on. Truthfully, even when that relationship ended, I was still very much in love with my main partner from that throuple. Our sexual chemistry was unlike anything else, and the deep passion we have for each other was unmatched. But we did break up. And I spent a lot of time healing. And now I met this wonderful man.

My main ex from the throuple — the one I loved most — just reached out to let me know that he and his other partner broke up and he wants me back. All of a sudden, my ex is telling me how much he loves me, how much he wants me, and how he wants to be my only partner — all of the things I would’ve killed to hear him say a year ago. I now find myself torn between my new boyfriend, who has done nothing wrong, and my ex, a man I love so much and have this INCREDIBLE sexual chemistry with but who really hurt me. It should be noted that I am incredibly submissive in bed, and although my new partner tries to be dominant, it doesn’t come naturally to him. My ex was fantastic in that role. And if I’m being honest, I have to admit that that kind of sexual play is something I need in a relationship. I’m torn and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but find myself in the impossible position of choosing between two people I care deeply about. Help!

Tormented Over X In Chicago

“When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.” — Oscar Wilde

You spent three years in a throuple that turned toxic — or maybe was toxic from the start — and when it ended, all you wanted was for the one guy you loved (most or at all) to choose you
 and he didn’t. So, you did what people are supposed to do when a relationship ends: you moved out, you moved on, you met someone else. And now the relationship gods have decided to fuck with you: the man you wanted is single and now he wants you and only you — so, your prayers have been answered, but a year too late.

Let’s rewind.

You joined a couple as a third — as their third — but you weren’t a perfectly balanced third. You were more into one than the other, TOXIC, which you most likely realized going in. That happens in lots of relationships; even in couples, one partner is often more invested/besotted/committed than the other. “Perfectly balanced” relationships are rare. But an imbalance hits different — it’s more destabilizing — in a triad. If the partner you weren’t into could tell you were only tolerating him while not-so-subtly fantasizing about peeling off his boyfriend
 that’s not just an awkward vibe or a price-of-admission power imbalance a person can learn to tolerate. That’s an existential threat. Whether the other guy — the guy your dream man just dumped — was always the problem or he became a problem when he sensed not just what you wanted, TOXIC, but what his original partner also wanted
 it’s easy to understand why he was unhappy. It’s a situation that could bring out the worst in anybody — you included.

Anyway!

Your throuple ended! You did the work! You found someone new! Someone kind! Someone who loves you! Someone you love
 kinda
 but not as much as you love the man who just walked back into your life.

As much as it pains me to say this — because the only person we know for sure is blameless in all this is the lovely man you’ve been seeing for the last six months — you should dump the new guy. You’re already comparing the new guy to your ex
 and the new can’t meet your needs the same way your ex did
 which means you’re going to be thinking about your ex each and every time the new guy tries and fails. And the longer you go on measuring the meh sex you have with your current boyfriend against the insanely hot sex you had with your ex, TOXIC, the more you’re going to miss your ex and find yourself fantasizing about what might’ve been.

And then — a year from now? two? — you’ll start sabotaging things with not-so-new-anymore guy and blow that relationship up to get back with an ex who might not have waited for you.

So, while staying with the nice guy sounds like the nice thing to do — while it sounds like the decent thing to do — staying with someone to avoid hurting their feelings only sets them up for more hurt down the road. But while you won’t be able to avoid hurting your current boyfriend’s feelings, TOXIC, you can avoid wasting his time by ending things cleanly and soon instead of drawing it out. But don’t move right back in — or pick up right where you left off — with your ex. Date him. Take it slow. You may have fantasized about being with your ex on his own, TOXIC, but you’ve never known him on his own.

P.S. You’re faced with a choice between two men you love — your ex from that disastrous throuple and the man you’ve been seeing for six months — and you’re hesitating, in much the same way your ex faced a choice between you and his original partner and hesitated. So, if you’re still angry with your ex about hesitating
 maybe you get it now and can let that anger go?

 

 

Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast: A straight woman tends to be attracted to gay and bisexual men, though she’s never dated one. She would be interested in dating a bi man, but she requires monogamy, and worries that precious few bi men would be able to commit to her. Is it reasonable to ask a bi man to forgo wieners to be with her?

For this week’s guest, we are thoroughly chuffed to welcome Christine Wenc to the show. Wenc is the author of the new book Funny Because It’s True: How The Onion Created Modern American News Satire. Wenc was a member of The Onion’s original staff. She was also one of the first editors of The Stranger in Seattle where Dan got his start. The two talk about The Onion‘s history, how it influenced both mainstream journalism and comedy, fake news, and she and Dan reminisce about the old days. She also answers a couple of sex questions, and issues this important PSA: “The clitoris is much more than just a little button.”- NOT fake news. LISTEN HERE!