I recently came home from a short meeting to find my husband in the bathroom with the door locked — locked to keep the kids out — meaning that he was secretly jerking off to porn while I was out. This has happened a few times before while I was home or out briefly and I’ve tried to explain how hurtful it feels to me. If he’s that interested in sex while I’m away briefly, I would rather he ask me to have sex, include me in watching porn, or even tell me his plan so it doesn’t feel like a secret. I have nothing against him watching porn and we sometimes do so together. It’s the idea of him doing it at home secretly when I’m out briefly that upsets me. It makes me feel like he is waiting for an opportunity alone and jumping on it as soon as he can, and that he prefers this to sex with me. And though he insists that watching porn doesn’t mean he isn’t also attracted to me, the secret nature of this makes me feel unattractive. He says that the secret nature is not part of the desire for him. Rather, jerking off is more akin to boredom/enjoyment, like deciding to “eat a bowl of ice cream.” He travels a good bit for work, and I’ve encouraged him to watch porn freely when he’s away. He insists that he’s satisfied with our sex life, including how frequently we have sex. He says that his interest in porn is just something fun that he — like most men — likes to do, and that it’s an entirely different category than our sex life. But there’s something about looking at women with perfect/fake bodies while I’m out briefly that feeds into my insecurities as a middle-aged woman and makes me extremely angry. Am I being unfair in asking him to stop jerking off to porn secretly when I could walk in on him easily? What else could we do to solve this problem?
Porn Over Reality Needles Offended Spouse
“Any time porn use is causing problems in a relationship, it is important to assess whether it’s actually the porn use that’s the problem or the masturbation,” said Dr. Eric Sprankle, a professor of clinical psychology at Minnesota State University and the author of DIY: The Wonderfully Weird History of Science and Masturbation. “How would PORNOS feel if her husband wasn’t watching porn and was just masturbating to a fantasy while in the bathroom? Would there still be concerns that he’s dissatisfied in the relationship? Would there still be feelings of insecurity and anger over the thought of him fantasizing about other women?”
Dr. Sprankle noticed that you used “secret/secretly” a half a dozen times in your question.
“A secret would be you suspecting him masturbating in the locked bathroom, but when confronted, he lies and just says he has IBS,” said Dr. Sprankle. “But PORNOS is aware that her husband masturbates, and he’s admitting to it, so the issue isn’t secrecy. Often for couples, the true objection is not to porn in and of itself, but the fact a partner has a solo sex life, and it doesn’t make a difference what they’re using to reach orgasm alone, whether we’re talking about porn, their own fantasies, or Chris Isaak music videos.”
Focusing on the real issue — which, again, isn’t porn but your husband having orgasms on his own once in a while — could help you work through this conflict.
“PORNOS and her husband need to figure out what role masturbation has — and should have — in their marriage and ensure they’re on the same page about it,” said Dr. Sprankle. “Our solo sexuality exists whether or not we are in a relationship, and masturbation does not have to compete with partnered sex. Even though an orgasm is an orgasm, there are different motivations for masturbation compared to partnered sex, and each one can meet unique needs the other isn’t equipped to meet.”
While your husband needs to be considerate of your feelings, PORNOS, you need to accept that your husband has a solo sexuality and is entitled — as we all are — to a zone of erotic autonomy. Meaning, he’s allowed to have fantasies that don’t revolve around you, just as you’re allowed to have fantasies that don’t revolve around him. So long as his fantasies don’t consume all of his erotic energy, i.e. so long as he’s not neglecting your needs, and so long as he can indulge them without neglecting or endangering your kids, attempting to police your husband’s solo sexuality is unnecessary and unwise, as doing so creates conflict.
After answering your question, PORNOS, Dr. Sprankle wanted to put one to you.
“PORNOS said that he — her husband — is satisfied with their sex life,” said Dr. Sprankle, “but is she satisfied? Is he meeting her sexual needs? Is she able to masturbate as often as she would like? Is she having sex as often as she would like? Have there been instances in which you tried to initiate sex, but he turned you down because he masturbated earlier that day? That would suggest his masturbation frequency is interfering with PORNOS sexual satisfaction, and that would definitely be a problem. If she communicated this to him, along with her feelings of insecurity and anger, and he continued to lock himself in the bathroom, essentially dismissing her needs and feelings, that would be an even bigger problem.”
But if you’re generally satisfied — if you’re satisfied enough (really, the best any of us can hope for! — and your husband isn’t neglecting you or the kids and he’s making a good-faith effort to masturbate when you’re less likely to “catch” him (not to keep secrets, but to be considerate) — you’re going to need to shrug it off when you realize the bathroom door is locked for that reason.
“They’re both still individuals in this partnership,” said Dr. Sprankle, “and individual needs require a certain amount of space and alone time. And that alone time may include occasionally locking yourself in the bathroom, and it shouldn’t matter whether the person in there is masturbating to porn videos on their phone or having diarrhea.”
Follow Dr. Eric Sprankle on BlueSky and Threads and Instagram @DrSprankle. For more about his work, visit his website www.drsprankle.com.
Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast: A divorced woman with a 4 year old daughter is friendly with her ex-husband but not close. Her daughter is asking why mommy and daddy are not married and don’t live together. She’s never explained divorce to her daughter. How can she phrase it?
On the Magnum version of the show, Dan speaks with Katie Simon, sexuality journalist and the author of the upcoming book Tell Me What You Like: An Honest Discussion of Sex and Intimacy After Sexual Assault. They discuss how survivors take many varied paths to healing including for some, going through a “slut phase.” For anyone going through recovery from sexual trauma, or supporting someone who is, Simon’s book is required reading, and this convo is a great place to start. LISTEN HERE!
