My boyfriend went on a trip abroad with his friend (also a guy). After he came back, he showed me that he made a Bumble profile while he was there. I didn’t feel like anything was off or ask him to show me; he volunteered. He said that he was just curious to see how popular he would be in the motherland and that he had no intention of meeting any of the women he matched with. He showed me the chats, and the exchanges were short. None of the messages were sexual, flirtatious, or talked about meeting up. I still felt upset about it though, and he apologized profusely. 

 For context, we have been together since college — almost ten years — and I’ve never once suspected him of cheating. I have also made it clear to him many times that if he’s interested in other people or no longer wants to date me, he should tell me rather than lying. At the time he told me about getting on Bumble, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he was transparent. I felt like if he did cheat on me, he could have just not told me. It’s been a few months since it happened, but I was reminded of it recently when I found out that you can delete Bumble chats by unmatching. That made me rethink what he told me. What if he just unmatched with people that he was flirting with or exchanged contact info with?

I’m not sure what to think. If I posted about this on TikTok, I’m pretty sure everyone would say I’m being naive and that he was cheating and that I should dump him. Would you take what he said at face value? 

His Upsetting Revelation That Stung

Just wanna make sure I’m following you: You’re struggling to take your boyfriend’s word at face value — the boyfriend who’s has never given you reason to suspect he’s been unfaithful, and made a full and free confession about getting on Bumble while visiting the motherland — but you’re ready to take the word of strangers on TikTok at face value ? People who don’t know you, know nothing about your relationship, and have never met your boyfriend — the guy who made the mistake of telling you he got on Bumble? The guy who told you the truth? Like you asked him to? That guy?

Getting on Bumble while he was abroad — even if it was just to see how he’d do with “the locals” — was dumb, telling you about it was even dumber, and I’m sure he regrets both actions now. But if he’d walked into a bar with his friend and chatted up the locals… would that have been worse? Whatever he did on his trip, he deserves some credit for doing what you’d always told him to do — tell you no lies, not even lies of omission — and his potential reward is getting dumped for telling you about something he didn’t do?

Could he have unmatched with women he flirted with more seriously? Sure. That’s possible, HURTS, but your boyfriend still deserves the benefit of the doubt here. And doesn’t his confession — his stupid, guileless, unnecessary confession — make it seem less likely something happened?

And you had to know — you had to expect — that he might flirt with other women on this trip. Even if the app was a surprise, wasn’t it a given that he and his friend would chat up the locals or run into (but not through) other tourists? If you can trust your boyfriend when he’s out of your sight at home, and if you can trust him to travel on his own with a buddy, you should be able to trust that your boyfriend isn’t trying to touch other women with his penis.

As for TikTok… yeah, the mob there would urge you to dump your boyfriend. Not because they’d be right about him cheating and not because they care about you — they don’t know whether he cheated, they don’t care about you — but they would urge to you break up with him anyway because people love other people’s dramas. People love telling other people to break up. And when it comes to other people’s relationships, the TikTok mob demands a level of perfection they’ve never achieved in their own relationships. (Assuming they’ve ever been in relationships; when it comes to love, the loudest, most judgmental voices online are inexperienced tweens and bitter incels.)

Instead of breaking up with your boyfriend, tell him you heard about this feature on Bumble and ask him for a little more reassurance. But don’t punish him for his honesty — reward it by deleting TikTok.

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 I’m going through a divorce and connected with a long-ago boyfriend in a similar boat. We started a long-distance relationship and were fairly serious. We were seeing each other every second or third weekend. His particular kink is he wants his partner to have other lovers. And as long as everyone involved is consenting, I’m fine with that. And since we’re long distance, I figured how convenient for me and found myself a local “friend with benefits.” He is aware of my long-distance relationship and accepts it but wants nothing to do with my other guy.

Here’s the problem. My long-distance partner longs for a throuple type of relationship. He decided, without my consent, to create a profile on a popular mainstream dating app with photos of me seeking a playmate for us. When I found out, I broke up with him immediately and deleted the account from his phone. I see many problems with this — lack of communication, lack of consent, coerciveness, not to mention that many people I know personally and professionally don’t even know that I’m divorcing much less that I have another partner — but he sees no harm in what he’s done and is trying to get me back.

To reassure me (or not!) and to educate him and anyone else who might ever consider creating a “couples” profile without the consent of half of the couple: Is this as bad as I think it is? Is there any way of seeing this as not obviously out of bounds? Can you imagine it being repairable?

Oafish Violation Ends Relationship

This is just as bad as you think. What your long-ago/far-away boyfriend did was out of bounds, and the damage done — in my opinion — irreparable. You can’t trust a guy who would pimp you out on a dating app without your consent. Red flags don’t come any redder.

In his rush to realize his fantasy — being in a throuple with a woman and another man — he showed you what mattered most to him: not your person, but the use he could put your person to in the service of his kink. While I happen to think kinks are great and people should strive to be GGG for their partners and sexual adventures can bring couples, throuples, quads, and squads closer together, the importance of consent — mutual, affirmative, enthusiastic —is absolutely key and your boyfriend’s willingness to violate your consent is disqualifying. And so unnecessary! You were already on board in a way that made his kink feel safe and doable for you! You had your long-distance boyfriend and you lined up a local friend-with-benefits. And who knows? Maybe in a year or two, your current FWB might’ve come around — he may have been open to being in a more formal throuple down the line — or you would’ve moved on to someone who was. But your long-ago/far-away boyfriend couldn’t give things a chance to evolve on their own. And in his rush to have everything his way right away, he demonstrated that you weren’t a person in his eyes, but a means to an end.

So: accept his apology (if you feel like it), tell him to delete your photos, and make it clear that if you see them online again, you’ll go to the police and file a revenge porn complaint. Then block his number to avoid getting sucked into manipulative conversations about his regrets that invariably build to asks for another chance. Finalize your divorce, focus on your FWB, and forget about this asshole.

P.S. To the long-ago/far-away boyfriend: Hotwifing and cuckolding forums are filled with guys whining about how hard it is to find a woman willing to explore these dynamics with them… and you found one, dude, and you blew it. So dumb.

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Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast: A woman is in an in a polyamorous, fantastic, committed relationship. Sounds great right? The problem? When they get “activated” he tells her he needs to be with someone who is more intellectually aligned with him. Because you see, he has a Phd in engineering, and she has a mere bachelor in fine arts. When he says things like this, is it just an “avoidant deactivation tactic?”

Let’s move on. We are so excited about our guest this week! Nico Carney is a Brooklyn based comedian whose stand-up covers his experiences as a trans man from the South. He and Dan talk about how using humor works so much better than scolding to bring people in to understanding of trans experiences. They talk about genital preferences, and the benefits of interrogating your desires. And, FYI, after coming out in college, Nico still bagged hot chicks. Not a problem. A little is on the Micro, and all of it is on the Magnum. Listen here!