If you're a newcomer, there are two things you should know about Portland: 1) We love a lot of sex all the time, and 2) we're very nosy about all the sex other people are having. And that's why the Mercury's annual SEX SURVEY (presented by our friends at Lumera) is Portland's most beloved questionnaire! (Note to other people doing surveys, particularly those super-negative, Portland-hating ones commissioned by spoiled, rich, downtown business owners: You're no fun, and no one likes you.)
Before we get down to spilling all of Portland's dirtiest secrets, here are some things you should know: A whopping 2,003 people filled out this year's survey—that's a lot more than the sad sacks you'll see completing surveys from the Portland Business Alliance... just sayin'. What follows are the highlights (according to me) from the Mercury's sex survey, but if you're one of those data-driven people who are hot to know EVERYTHING, then you can read all the results and percentages of our survey right here!
Okay, it's time to get horny... for learning all about what Portland does in the sack! LET'S DO THIS!
WHO YOU ARE
As usual, the majority of our survey-takers are straight folks (49%), with those who identify as bisexual coming in second at 19%, while queers (12%) and gays (6%) came in third and fourth. Interestingly, only 2% of lesbians took our survey, which can only mean one thing: They are way too busy having sex! So congrats, lesbians! (They're not reading this, are they? Didn't think so. 😞)
An even number of cis women and men (43%) participated in our survey, along with an ever-rising number of non-binary, trans, and genderqueer folk, as well as those who identify as "other"—so you just know they're thinking outside the box/binary when they're hopping in bed!
The majority of you brag that you're currently in a relationship "and happy" (36%) or married "and happy" (26%), while in third place are the people I personally trust the most: people who are "single" and are like, "whatever" (15%). Five bucks says they're having the most sex. Stand by and we'll find out!
Now... about these so-called "relationships" in which people "claim" to be sooooooooooo fucking "happy." Most claim to be monogamous (53%)... or so they say, right? 😒 However, the number of people who say they are in non-monogamous or monogamish pairings are virtually tied at 12% each! Add those two groups together to make 24% and that's a lot of couples who are inviting others over to play. Which brings me to this super-interesting horny factoid:
While 49% of those in supposedly "happy" relationships want monogamy, 29% would prefer a more flexible "ish" arrangement, and 14% want to go full non-monogamous! DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS? Add those two percentages together and you have just as many people who want to open their relationship as those who don't. SEE? your chances of having a monogamously flexible situation have never been better! You are so welcome for that information... now go out and do something with it!
YOUR SEX LIFE (AND YOU)
Now let's look at the number of sexual pals and partners you've had. First things first: IT IS NOT A COMPETITION. Ha, lol, of course it is. But the good news is that I've had substantially MORE sexual experiences than the majority of you, and believe me, you're no slouch! The majority of you (28%) have had somewhere between 10 and 25 sex pals. Coming in second—again, not a competition, but it is—are those who've had fewer than 10 sex partners (24%), and in third, those who've had less than 40 sexual acquaintances (17%). BUT! BUT! BUT! Before you slip into despondency over the pitifully low number of folks you've "bagged and tagged," get a load of this: Of the people who have had 40 to 75 sexual partners in their life, the vast majority are between the ages of 66 and 75 years old (that's 22% as opposed to the 26-35 year olds' 11%). THEREFORE, IPSO FACTO, E PLURIBUS UNUM, if you're currently in your 20s, by the time you're 75 years old? Your sexual conquest tally will probably double! (God, I should be a psychiatrist... I am so good at cheering people up!)
RELATED STATISTIC: While most of you are "somewhat satisfied" with the amount of sex you're currently having (39%), others are either "very satisfied" (22%) or "dissatisfied" (24%). And sadly, 13% of you are "very dissatisfied." SO HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO: I want the "dissatisfied" and "very dissatisfied" people (total of 37%) on this side of the room, and the "somewhat satisfied" folk (39%) on the other side, and then I want all of you to meet in the middle of the room and "do it" until you're satisfied. As for you "very satisfied" people? You can go fuck yourselves, you smug bastards. I mean... I truly don't understand this attitude. There's one rule in this life: NEVER. BE. SATISFIED. NEVERRRRRRRR! This is America, goddammit.
Speaking of satisfaction, where are you meeting the people you're boinking? While most won't shut up about how the only way to snag sex partners is through the dating sites, this does NOT line up with how most Portlanders are actually getting the job done. The vast majority (64%) of you find their sexy play-pals through friends, or that old reliable standby, bars and clubs (37%). Coming in third at 33% is finding sex partners through work, and THEN we finally reach the dating sites with Tinder topping that group at 32%.
Okay, so you've tried ALL those methods and you're still striking out? Welp, I guess it's time to look at how much you masturbate.
See? That's what I'm talking about when I say "NEVER. BE. SATISFIED." Speaking of masturbation, it's good to know that an impressive 69% (nice) of you don't mind your sex pal watching you diddling your fiddle, and another 22% of you might not mind... but you have RULES. 🤔 I assume a couple rules might be "no posting pics of me on the internet," and "no staring at me intently while slurping a big bowl of spaghetti."
Oh, and while we're looking at graphs, look at this one!
I LOVE THIS. I mean, I don't love it for the people who haven't had threesomes... but c'mon, you gotta admit, that's a lot of people having threesomes! I bet the "dissatisfied" and "very dissatisfied" people mentioned previously could have some great threesomes if they would just get together and and have a sunnier disposition. Once again: JUST SAYIN'.
Oh, but here's an interesting statistic: While over half of Portland has engaged in at least one threesome, that percentage dips considerably when the subject turns to ORGIES (involving four or more people). Only 27% of you have participated in an orgy, and... do you think that phrase, "When in Rome do as the Romans do" was originally about orgies? If so, maybe we should do a "Ancient Rome Sex Survey." I have a feeling they might give sex-horny Portlanders a run for their money. I'm gonna research that.
Also! A wide majority of you (62%) think that orgies are "correctly rated" for what they are, as opposed to y'all who think they're "overrated" (27%) or "underrated" (11%). I guess we kinda messed up by not asking "what do you MEAN by 'correctly rated'?" So let's just say that orgies are less fun than receiving a complete set of original Spice Girls dolls (mint in box), but significantly more fun than a pair of socks that keep slipping down inside your shoes.
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT PORN! 😃
Porn! Like Taylor Swift and falconry, porn is only growing in popularity. And 42% of you are watching up to 30 minutes of porn every week, 20% are watching up to an hour per week, and a few of you horndogs (14%) are consuming more than an hour per week. All that sounds completely reasonable to me! What sounds un-reasonable are the 22% of you who are watching ZERO porn every week. I mean... what are you doing with that 30 minutes per week that's so important? For example I know for A FACT that a good portion of you spend at least that much time every week arguing on Twitter. Time for some honesty: Your arguments are boring, simply aren't worth having, and everyone (particularly yourself) would be happier if you were watching porn instead.
Need some suggestions? Well, according to your fellow porn watchers, a majority of them seem to prefer (in descending order) amateur porn (61%), the ever-popular threesomes (59%), the boring-but-reliable straight porn (51%), the not-so-boring and occasionally alarming hardcore (47%), and the subject that's a never-ending source of fascination for 13-year-old males, lesbianism (43%). And here's another interesting factoid: A whopping 98% of you will watch porn alone, but only 23% of you will watch it with your partner or partners. THAT'S SAD! There is sooooo much fun to be had while watching porn together, especially if you, like me, are judgmental and cruel. Your results may vary, but my partners and I are always having a super fun time mouthing off stuff like, "Gurrrrrrl, you don't need those stilettos right now!" Or "Booooy, that backwards baseball cap and socks combo is a NO."
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT CHEATING! 😬
Now going into this survey, all 2,003 of you were fully aware that your answers were completely anonymous, and there's no way any naughty thing you confessed would be traced back to you. And yet? I'M PRETTY SURE A LOT OF YOU LIED. At least on this question: "Have you ever cheated on your partner sexually?" A whopping 62% of you said, "OHHHH NOOOOO! I would never, ever do such a treacherous thing... not in a ka-trillion years!" 😒 Okay, if you say so! Just remember, I've had sexual relations with a lot of you, at which time you made the status of your relationship at the time very clear... so you can't fool me! Meanwhile, an honest 31% of you admitted to cheating on a partner sometime in your life, and I'd much rather purchase a used car from you than those other people.
The flip side of this is the eternal question: "If one cheats, should one also confess?" About 35% of you cheaters admitted your cheating and ended up glad you spilled the beans, while a much larger group of folks (51%) said "OH HELL NO" to confessing your sin(s), and were very happy you didn't! The problem with this entire section of the survey is that we've already established that 62% of you are probably liars (at least on this topic), sooooo... thanks for fucking up science, I guess! Let's just move on to boning one's co-worker.
Question: Have you ever boned a coworker? The majority of you (56%) answered a rousing "YES, INDEEDY" while 44% have not. I'm inclined to think you're all telling the truth this time because, from what your employer tells me, productivity at your company is in the toilet. Why? Because more than half of YOU are in the toilet, boning your co-worker! (Ka-ZING!)
But wait! Here's where things get interesting: Most folks who have boned at work boned a coworker (85%) rather than a boss/supervisor (12%). Breaking it down further, 13% of cis women have boned a boss as opposed to only 9% of their cis male counterparts, BUT only 2% of women bosses are boning employees as compared to 5% of men bosses. That's some bullshit patriarchy going on there, my friends, and... wait. Now it kind of sounds like I'm saying that lady bosses should bone their employees, but I'M NOT! That's some fucked-up power dynamics going on there, no matter what your gender, and a potential HR nightmare for everyone involved, so to everyone in a position of authority at your workplace, put yer junk back in your pants, okay? While no one is denying that the situation is indisputably hot, you will almost certainly regret it!
YOUR KINKS (AND YOU)
The one great thing about living in this current day and age is how lots of people (excluding evangelist Christians who ruin everything for everybody) recognize that everyone's sexuality sits somewhere on a beautiful, interesting spectrum. In other words, very few of us are 100% straight or 100% queer. Let's take YOU for example: 40% of you say you're straight, but have done some "queer stuff" sometime in your life. And while 45% of straighties say they haven't enjoyed any queer stuff, 15% say they really, really want to! (You should go for it... it's fun!) On the other hand, a whopping 69% (nice) of queer folk have done straight stuff, while 26% of them haven't, and only 5% really, really want to. I hope you don't interpret that as a slam on straight people—but c'mon! Straight people do need a better publicist.
Wow, Portland really loves their sex toys! A buzzy 75% of you have a vibrator lying around, 55% own a dildo, and 47% possess some type of anal toy. LET'S LEARN MORE ABOUT THESE ANAL TOYS, SHALL WE? 😁 Unsurprisingly, 73% of Portland's gay dudes have anal toys, but as it turns out, a respectable 35% of straight guys also like a little something-something inside their buttz! Lesbians seem to be having more fun with their anal toys than their straight counterparts (52% vs. 34%), and... here's a question for you: Of Democrats, Republicans, and Socialists, which political affiliation do you think has (and presumably uses) the most butt toys? The perhaps surprising answer: Republicans enjoy things inside their butts the most at 58%, Socialists come in second at 47%, and Democrats are pulling up the rear (ha-ha) at 45%. (Is butt play the common ground America has been looking for?!?)
Oh, and here's yet another thing we all share: KINKS! And most of you (71%) are not shy about telling your lovers what you want and how you want it when it comes to kinky stuff. What are your top five kinks? BEHOLD:
SPANKING = 60%
BONDAGE = 51%
SUBMISSION = 51%
BLINDFOLD = 47%
VOYEURISM = 46%
Also showing an increase of popularity since our last sex survey, a lot more of you are fooling around with role playing (40%), double penetration (38%), consensual non-consent (32%), and pegging (28%)... which probably explains all those toys inside Republican buttz!
NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY... FUCK! MARRY! KILL!
We asked Mercury readers to play your grandparents' fave game, "Fuck/Marry/Kill," and the rules are simple enough: We give you three choices and you choose which one you'd fuck, which you'd marry, and which you would brutally KILL. Here's what the majority of you decided:
Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett = FUCK
Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch = MARRY
Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh = KILL
Twitter = FUCK
Facebook = MARRY
NextDoor = KILL
Eggplant Parmesan = FUCK
Chicken Pot Pie = MARRY
Tofu Scramble = KILL (You people really don't like tofu scrambles.)
Ryan Gosling in Drive = FUCK
Ryan Gosling in La La Land = MARRY
Ryan Gosling in La La Land = KILL (That's not a typo... the majority of you wanted to both marry and kill Ryan in this movie. What can I say? Love's complicated.)
Seattle = FUCK
Portland = MARRY
San Francisco and/or Seattle: KILL (I think you chose correctly.)
AND FINALLY, THE BEST OF YOUR WRITE-IN ANSWERS!
US: What is one sex act you want to accomplish before you die?
YOU: Plan a sex party • Two cocks in my pussy at once • Pegging my best friend • Three-way, baybeee • Fucking on acid • Adam Driver telling me he's disappointed in me, and I come • I want a couple to have sex on top of me while I just lie there • Sex in a movie theater • Bukkake • Someone pays to fuck my feet • Double penetration • Triple penetration • Receive a "sock job" • Glass elevator sex • The "Reverse Donnie Osmond" • Femme-only orgy • Peg a guy that's performing anal on another guy • Having sex on a giant canvas with paint • Squirting • Having sex on a blanket in a meadow • Over the clothes mutual masturbation • Just handcuff me please!!! • Ritual sex in a group/sacred setting • The illusion of non-consent • Glory hole • Fucked by my partner in a sex club with everyone watching • Two pairs of lips on my nipples • Labor Day weekend gay orgy on a yacht with like 100 guys • I want my partner to suck me off while I'm in a work Zoom meeting • At this point maybe just sex with another person in which both of us are satisfied and relatively happy about it?
US: Where have you had sex in public?
YOU: Parking lot • Sex club • Bar bathroom • Waterfall hike • On someone's stoop, while passersby pretend not to notice • Playground (late at night!) • Waterfront Park • Costco • School library • Baseball diamond • Applebees on 82nd • On the lawn of a church • Lone Fir Cemetery • In the office after-hours • OMNIMAX theater • Above the Hwy 26 tunnel • While working in a haunted house • Rooster Rock • Seattle ferris wheel • Hot Topic changing room • Beach (cannot recommend) • The big elephant in the park blocks • On a jet ski in the middle of a lake • An Arby’s parking lot on a Tuesday • A YMCA retreat center morning • A corn maze • The plant beds in front of the True Value on Hawthorne
US: What's the sexiest thing you did in 2022?
YOU: Had sex with two different guys within 24 hours • Fisted my partner • Wore a vibrator inside of me to a fancy dinner • Blindfolded sex with food play • Got tied to a tree • Let the gardener give me a rim job and fuck me with my vibrator • Started an OnlyFans page • Got pegged • Sex on ‘shrooms • Fucked a hotel receptionist while staying there as a guest • My bf fingered me in the car driving down Broadway • Watched my husband fuck a big sexy bear at Rooster Rock • Threesome in a hot tub in the woods • Got spanked so hard I couldn’t sit down for a week • Brought a guy home from a sex club and fucked him on my balcony • Hooked up with a coworker in the only bathroom at a major work event • Had my nipples sucked on a dance floor • Squirted like a water fountain into my partner's mouth • Six-way at a sex club • Finger blasted on an airplane • Mutual masturbation with a long time friend • Cheating • An orgy with friends on ecstasy • Quiet sex in the hotel with kids sleeping in the other bed • Got new bras • Brought two men home from the bar and fucked them both • Pulled over on a road trip and fucked my partner out the window of the car • Got spit roasted by twins • Had my play partner lick his cum off of my face • Got my credit score above 800 • Shared girlfriend with another male friend • Had a bicurious cougar massage me to orgasm in front of an audience • Successfully masturbated without crying • Had strap-on sex on a ferry in a rented camper van • Accepted myself as I am 🔥
Thanks for taking the Mercury Sex Survey (and also thanks to our presenting sponsor Lumera)! If you want to see all the raw data from this year's survey in attractive graph fashion, CHECK THIS OUT. Remember, you can help keep the Mercury going by making a small contribution, and we'll keep bringing you fun stuff like this sex survey! And don't miss the super sexy HUMP! Film Festival kicking off on March 3 and running for two big weekends—trust me, it'll inspire you to do the things you'll be bragging about next year! 😉