How many times have you said to yourself, "O, this cursed gonorrhea! How shall I ever appear in public again?" Well, the cold hard scientific facts say you've got plenty of company. Close to 13 million people are affected by venereal diseases every year--which means (and don't look now) but that person sitting right next to you probably has a dripping cootie (okay, now you can look).

So, if that many people have the pee-pee crud, then why are we so embarrassed? One thing that doesn't help is the names that our learned men of science give to STDs. They're fucking disgusting! Herpes scabies chancroid brrrrr! It makes my skin crawl just thinking about them. However! If we were to simply rename the ill-fitting monikers of these diseases, not only will we remove some of the shame, but maybe just maybe we might save some lives.

Therefore! Here are some brand new names for the most common STDs, along with a sample sentence to show how they can be used in everyday street lingo.



Example: "Oh, ha, ha,, silly. That's not a sore. It's a strawberry."
"chancroid"           "karen"
Ex: "My doctor gave me some antibiotics, which hopefully means karen will be gone by next week."
"genital warts" "knights in white satin"
Ex:: "Knights in white satin, never reaching the end. Letters I've written, never meaning to send."
"chlamydia" DO NOT CHANGE. Perfect as is.
Ex: "Chlamydia? Wasn't she one of the daughters on The Cosby Show?"
"cytomegalovirus"   "pasta primavera"
Ex: "Mmm...oral sex might not be such a good idea, honey. That is, unless you like the taste of pasta primavera."
"scabies"  "gentlemen's agreement"
Ex: "Cor blimey, guv'ner! That bloody Lord Bunbury has given me a ripping case of the gentlemen's agreement!"
"pubic lice or crabs" "carrot top"
Ex: "There's nothing funny about carrot top." 
"gonorrhea"   "dancing fountain"
Ex: "Is that a dancing fountain in your pants, or are you incontinent?"
"syphilis" "secretary of the interior"

Ex: "Boy, this secretary of the interior is really making my bush cabinet itch."