I was all set (and embarrassingly excited) to write some reviews of phone sex lines for this lil' Mercury Sex Issue. But my stingy employers, blind to the public need for such a service, are refusing to reimburse me for such an endeavor, so I'm settling for second best: Reviewing the phone sex lines' recorded introductions that give you a brief taste of what's to come, if only you'll enter your credit card number….

Wild shmild. The recorded woman's voice on the end of this "Phone Sex Shop," as the company is called, has all the pizzazz of a nun. Nasal and high-pitched, she promises "classy ladies" at only 99 cents a minute--a good deal, but how classy can they be if the very voice representing them sounds like a bored bank teller?

Now this is what I'm talking about! A rich, throaty recorded greeting with just a touch of bad-girl giggle starts right in with, "Oooh, baby! You've dialed the right number--hot, wet, and penetrating… You better be ready for this mind-blowing experience." Yes! I nearly shoved my… credit card… yeah, that's it… credit card… right through the receiver.

1-888-344-3997--"Hot MILF Ginger"
No recorded greeting on this one. Apparently, "Hot MILF Ginger" works solo, as she answered the phone directly. "Hi," she said, with whispery cuteness. "How can I help you?" "Uh…" I said, "uh… I'm sorry." And I hung up. HOT!

Let me make this abundantly clear--I'm not gay. I'm not! God! But if I were, this line would have had me pulling out the Visa. The young, recorded slice of mancake called me a "hot stud" and promised "well-hung hunks" who wanted to dominate me. After being asked to enter my credit card number I waited a minute and got a special surprise: A woman's voice kicked in with an offer to call 1-900-OR-G-COCK, where I could've sex talked with a whole arsenal of guys for a whopping $4.99 a minute. Yowza!

Want to take a walk on the wild side of phone sex info greetings? Not only does the recorded greeter voice promise a special lady with "a big surprise in her lace panties," but the greeter also sounds like she's about 90 years old and can barely remember her lines. Transsexual AND geriatric? I'm going to max out the ol' MasterCard on this one!