My fiancee came home and kissed me and his face—his beard area—smelled like pussy. The sickly/sweet healthy kind. Of course he denied having his face in someone else's business. My question is, is there anything else this could have been? Currently debating whether I need to DTMFA. Please help!

Sick In Minneapolis

My response after the jump...


As the smell of pussy isn't exactly lodged in my sense memory, SIM, I couldn't rattle off the names of what else you might've been smelling on your boyfriend's face. So I pushed my chair away from Ann Lander's desk (did Ann ever get a question like this one, I wonder?), picked up my laptop (so much more portable than Ann Lander's IBM Correcting Selectic III (which still rests on Ann's desk (there's even a receipt for a dress Ann purchased from Saks Fifth Avenue on March 27, 1974 in the top, right-hand drawer ($31.80)))), and went to the break room, where I interviewed some of my pussy-having and/or pussy-appreciating coworkers.

"Um, yeah, it has a pretty distinct smell," said a coworker who has a pussy. "It's pretty distinctive. If she thought she smelled that, she probably smelled that."

"There's nothing else that smells like it," said another coworker. This coworker has a penis but he's married to a woman who has a pussy. "I've never smelled anything else that smells like it," my penis-having coworker continued. "And if there was something out there that smelled like pussy, straight guys like me would know about it and we'd be putting it on our faces all the time."

"They can have a lot of different smells but it's a pretty unique scent," said the sister of a third coworker. This third coworker is a penis-having, penis-appreciating gay guy but his sister is a woman with a pussy who is a med student studying to be an OBGYN at a prestigious university somewhere in North America. We spoke by phone. "We spend so much time smelling down there and we can smell the difference between certain STDs," this future pussy doctor told me. "And in my opinion it probably isn't something else."

Should you break up with your fiance?

"My official medical opinion?" asked the future pussy doctor.

Yes, please, I replied, that one.

"This girl should stop dating dirty bearded hipsters," she said. "Where can I send my bill?"

A second opinion: I think you should hold off on breaking up with your fiance, SIM, at least until you've read the comments thread on this SLLOTD post. I mean, what if someone out there reading this knows of something else—a food product, an alcoholic beverage, a face lotion—that can leave a man's beard smelling like someone else's business? I would hate to see an innocent man dumped because I failed to interview the right rando.

And is there any chance, however remote, that the pussy you smelled on your fiance's face was your own, SIM?