I'm writing to you because I recently developed a problem in my relationship. The premise is that we don’t live in the same city but see at least once per month. We are but in our mid-twenties and have been together for almost two years. We love each other so much. Compatibility, stability and sharing has never been better than this.

We come to the sore points now. The sex with my boyfriend was initially very full of erotic "violence" that lasted for hours: ropes, bad words, explicit messages, and so on, In fact, at the beginning we both agreed that it would be nothing more than sex between us. But the more he fell in love the more the sex became the romantic and sweet "making love" variety. I like that kind of sex and I enjoy it and I can still come. But for me this "making love" sex should be alternated with the other kind of sex because that kind of sex incomparable for me. I've tried to hint about this to him and he seemed to understand but months months later he does not give me even a single slap.

Add to this a recent medical/aesthetic problem he is suffering from—which to me is not annoying but to him it very much is—and he does not feel sexy. So all the sexting between has now ended too. I stopped sending him my photos because I didn't see any reaction from him and he didn't ask me for more. He says that when he passes this problem he will again feel confident as before, but we do not even know when it will pass. And then the problem remains that I would sometimes like to have a good fuck without attached romance.

I feel like a selfish nymphomaniacal bitch and I can't understand how to solve this. If a man complained that his woman didn't want to do it every day, just the way he liked, or didn't send him sexy photos, he would probably be insulted and probably he’d deserved to be. Maybe I deserve to be insulted too. But if I knew that he sexually wanted a certain thing I would satisfy him without thinking!

Do I have to wait? Try to be provocative? Somehow put my soul at peace with the fact I will never again experience the exciting kind sex I most enjoy? Should I just accept the awful fact that I found an amazing clever and handsome guy who is too much in love with me to humiliate me while having sex?

Horny Guilty Girlfriend

You're not a selfish, nymphomaniacal bitch. You're just another young person out there doing what lots of other young people (and many old people) are out there doing: trying to find a sexually compatible partner for the long haul.

And you have an advantage over lots of people, HGG, in that know what you need to feel sexually and emotionally fulfilled: a guy who loves you and who's open to making a life with you and who's capable of integrating kinky sex (not violent sex) into a loving, stable, supportive, committed relationship.

Those guys are out there. This guy might not be one of them.

Or he might be, HGG! But to figure out whether he's that guy—a guy who can love you and tie you up and support you and text you in the middle of the workday and order you to send him a dirty selfie—you're going to have to stop dropping hints. You're going to have to tell him you're unsatisfied, you're going to have to tell him it's a problem, and you're going to have tell him exactly what you need to feel satisfied and solve this problem.

Right now your boyfriend may not even be aware you're feeling deprived—a feeling that typically gets worse over time—and so long as he doesn't know that (and some people don't allow themselves to know something like that until their partners have told them in completely unambiguous terms), your boyfriend isn't aware of the stakes. Be clear: his inability to make love to you in different ways—soft and tender sometimes, rough and demanding other times—poses a threat to your relationship. Because if he can't meet your needs you're going to wind up cheating on him or leaving him or both.

Some people think they can only have kinky sex with casual partners—they can only do "ropes, bad words, explicit messages," etc., with a person who's nothing more than sex to them—and only realize they can enjoy kinky sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship when someone they love asks them to try. And if it turns out he can't enjoy kinky sex with someone he cares about, then he's not the right partner for you.

And finally, HGG, keep reassuring him that his medical/aesthetic problem isn't an issue for you and that you don't want it to be an issue in your relationship. Give him some time and space to start feeling sexy again and then a little extra time and space to work on folding kink play back into your sex life. But don't give him endless time. A year, tops.


Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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