- Illustration: Erika Moen
This weekend 130 comics with the Bridgetown Comedy Festival will descend upon lower SE Burnside to deliver jokes to the Portland masses. And I know some of you giggle groupies are thinking: “How do I fuck a comic?” I get it, we comics are charismatic loners, powerfully and breezily shouting our opinions from a tiny stage-shaped soapbox. Don’t be ashamed of your predilections. Here are some tips to get you in, you bunch of chuckle-fuckers…
1. To woo your comedy crush, watch their set and actively listen. Don’t use your phone, don’t talk to your friends and for god’s sake don’t HECKLE. A lot of people think heckling is “saying mean things to the comics,” but actually heckling is saying ANYTHING to the comics on stage. I know you want to help, but shhhhh… If you want a moment in the sun, go to an open mic. And don’t ask your comedy crush to help you find an open mic.
2. Approach the comic afterward gently. After a comic does a set he/she is doing a lot of processing: how the set went, was the audience on board and most importantly: ‘did the other comics think I was funny?’ The highs of making an audience giggle with glee, can be followed by crushing lows (and sometimes cocaine). Give your comedy crush at least 10-15 minutes to come down after their set before you make your move.
3. Don’t offer advice on jokes. This is my job. Do I come down to your work and knock the dick out of your mouth?
MORE TIPS AFTER THE JUMP!
4. Don’t assume that their jokes are 100% true. HOWEVER, if they say they’re married/partnered, they probably are. The easy thing to do is just ASK! And by the way… IF they say they are married/coupled, DON’T ASSUME THEY CHEAT. Yes road comics are notorious flirts, but plenty of comics hold down monogamous relationships. Assuming otherwise is a real dick move.
5. Don’t act too cool for comedy. Maybe because I’m a woman, but some boys have tried to get on my good side by stating that they had very low expectations for the show, “but you were actually pretty funny.” Just leave those qualifiers out of your vocabulary when you are talking to a comic. And if you have some comment about “women in comedy” STFU. Trust me, you don’t have any new insights on the issue; I’m the expert, not you.
6. For your benefit, try to figure out if you actually connect with the off-stage persona as well as you think you connect with the on-stage persona. Some comics are exactly the same as they act on stage, some are wildly different. If you’ve been actively listening, you’ll have plenty to talk about.
7. Buy comics stuff. A lot of mid-level comics are broke. If they flew to Portland and you haven’t heard their name, they are probably paying for their flight or their hotel room or both. Buy them some nachos.
8. Be obvious, because many comics are oblivious (not the hot ones), but don’t be a dick. Comics can be as shy as civilians, even if their stage bravado betrays them.
9. Don’t expect to hook up right after the show. Comics have different hours than you; shows end as late as 1am and then there’s decompressing, drinking/drugging, and networking with our fellow comics. If you really want to throw down, you might be looking at a 4am booty call. Disco naps are mandatory.
10. Don’t expect it to go somewhere. We all sometimes sleep with someone in the hopes of emotionally getting in deep, but with any traveling artist expectations should stay low. Between balancing a day job, an artistic pursuit, and /or hustling to climb the comedy ladder, most comics de-prioritize their romantic relationships. Still one-offs of passion can be amazing, particularly with some of the most poetic and sensitive artists in the game. I wish you luck with all your comedy groupie pursuits. Be polite, don’t embarrass me, go forth and flirt with some comics.
Not with me though, I’m all locked up, but if you get the urge do introduce yourself this weekend! And if you haven’t already done so, BUY A DAMN PASS TO BRIDGETOWN.
Wishing you romantic, laugh-out-loud in the good way sex,
@bripruett