Savage Love: Her Hypnotist Boyfriend Can’t Support Himself and She Doesn’t Want to Support Him

I’m a 26-year-old bisexual woman living in CA, working on my graduate degree in a STEM field. My boyfriend is 33 years old and we’ve been dating for a year. He hasn’t made a cent during that whole time and his work situation is stressing me out. He’s spent thousands of dollars “training” to become a hypnotist—not in a graduate program or in any formal setting, but taking weekend classes with charlatans that claim hypnosis can do anything from getting women to have sex with them to curing cancer. It all sounds like total bullshit but he takes it so seriously and now he’s trying to set up a business as a hypnotist. Of course it’s not going anywhere because he has competition from licensed hypnotherapists with master’s degrees or PhDs, and people would rather entrust their mental health to professionals.

When we first started dating he made it sound like he had a thriving business, but of course as we got to know each other the truth came out and he’s living off of money his parents give him. Once I figured that out I was already in too deep—I do love him, and he tries very hard to be a good partner. I’ve tried to be supportive of his career but I’m reaching a breaking point because I’m exhausted putting up this false front. I really don’t respect what he’s doing and think it’s a dead-end. Furthermore, if I do try to give him advice about his job (such as lowering his price from $300/hour, since he gets zero clients at that price) he blows up at me, but still gives me advice about my job, in a field in which he knows nothing but thinks he has “intuition” (spoiler: he doesn’t).

I’m concerned because I’m going to be done with my degree in two years and am then essentially guaranteed a six-figure job; I keep telling him not to count on my ability to support him, but I don’t know if it’s sinking in. He’s also pretty clearly depressed and says he might just kill himself if the hypnotist career doesn’t work out. He doesn’t have access to therapy with his terrible health insurance, and refuses to take anti-depressants, so I don’t know what to do when he says that. He says I’m the only thing in his life that brings him joy.

I’m worried that his parents will stop supporting him (which they likely will do within the year) and then it’ll be on me to provide for him with my small graduate stipend, because if I don’t provide for him, he’ll just kill himself. The pressure of knowing that if his job fails I’ll be left taking care of him is turning me off from the relationship and making me forget all the good things. We do love each other and have a great time together. I just know I’ll have kids to take care of one day, and I don’t want to waste my 20s taking care of a grown-ass man, especially one who I know I have no long-term future with because he doesn’t want children/marriage and I do.

Am I being a bitch for judging him about his work situation? We’re not married and I don’t rely on him for money, so it’s not really any of my business; do I just try to ignore it until he does ask me for help? Or should I be blunt with him and give him some tough love about how I think he needs to find another career? He’s never had a stable career, so he’d be starting from square one at 33; I can understand why he’s so resistant, but better to start now while his parents can keep helping him than when he has nothing in a year.

Wishing My Boyfriend Had A Job

Setting aside the fact that your newish boyfriend has been essentially unemployed and/or unemployable all his life… and setting aside the fact that he’s in his thirties and his parents are still supporting him… and setting aside the fact that he’s attempted to take you hostage with threats of suicide…

You want marriage and kids and he doesn’t. Case closed. Game over. Hard out.

Basically, WMBHAJ, unless you’re willing to sacrifice your dream of having kids to support this manchild for the rest of your life… or unless you think you could be content in a relationship with someone who’ll be spending your hard-earned STEM money on increasingly hairbrained schemes (what comes after amateur hypnotherapy? dowsing?)… or unless your boyfriend would be willing to marry and have kids and be primary caregiver/househusband in exchange for never having to pretend to look for work outside the home again…

You don’t have a long-term future with this man. And I know you know that, WMBHAJ, because I lifted it from your letter!

But! But! You love him. Okay, sure. I don’t doubt it, WMBHAB, as you wouldn’t have already wasted ten percent of your twenties on this guy already if you didn’t love him. But you don’t have to wait until you’ve fallen out of love with someone—or come to hate that person—to end a relationship that you know won’t make you happy over the long haul. Your unwillingness to support him and his inability to support himself will generate so much conflict down the road that you will one day have end this relationship. Ask yourself if it will be easier to end this relationship before you’ve made the mistake of moving in together or “helping him out just once” with his rent or if it will be harder.

You’ve known this guy for a year. He lied to you at the start of your relationship—about the source of his income—and he’s lying to you now about killing himself if you leave. It might be true that you’re the only thing in his life right now that brings him joy, WMBHAB, but that’s his problem, not yours. And it doesn’t obligate you to stay in this relationship and let him mansplain STEM to you for the rest of your life.

His parents on are the verge of calling his bluff. You should call it first.

DTMFA.