Last week I got a phone call from an ex-girlfriend after several months of no communication. During the phone call, she told me that she had a miscarriage from a pregnancy that happened while we were dating. She has an IUD and while the chances of getting knocked up with one seem REALLY small, I’m inclined toward believing her out of the desire to err on the side of being a nice guy. We don’t have a friendship, per se, but I would describe our break up as amicable. During the call, I tried to be as supportive as possible.
I don’t really know how I feel about the whole situation, but I don’t really want to explore my emotions on the subject with my ex. She has expressed interest in talking about all of it again in the future and is really upset about it—even though she stated she would have had an abortion if she had found out about the pregnancy before the miscarriage. I’m currently dating someone else and the ex is dating someone else, too. I don’t want to make a habit of talking with my ex about an unplanned pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage, but I also don’t want to be an asshole and blow her off. How do I be a caring human being on this issue and still set a firm boundary about me not being the one that can provide her with emotional support?
Just Ex Boyfriend
P.S. Thank you for your column. Growing up as a bi male in Wyoming with an interest in kink was a sometimes bizarre experience, but your work helped the world feel a little friendlier and a lot less lonely.
Maybe it’s the Theraflu and the Sudafed and the six other cold medications—I’m not really thinking very clearly right now—but I’m having a hard time seeing the issue here. Why exactly is your ex-girlfriend (of several months) upset-to-the-point-of-needing-the-emotional-support-her about this particular miscarriage?
All miscarriages are unpleasant, I realize, and many are deeply traumatizing. But your ex didn’t want to have a baby with you and she would’ve aborted the fetus if the pregnancy had continued long enough for her to realize she was even pregnant. It’s not like she wasn’t trying to decide whether or not to have an abortion and was leaning toward termination when she had a miscarriage—which would’ve deprived her of her agency and control—she literally didn’t know she was pregnant until a miscarriage ended a pregnancy she never wanted.
Or even noticed.
Again, all miscarriages are unpleasant—including, I suppose, the welcome ones. But I’m not sure what’s required of you in this circumstance, on the emotional support front, besides “I’m sorry,” “That’s too bad,” “I hope you’re alright,” and, “I’m glad you called.” Unless you remained silent throughout phone call, JEB, I’m guessing you said all those things. Because, really, what else is there to say?
