Savage Love: Polyamorous Man Currently Experiencing Polyamorous Drama

I’m a straight, poly, kinky male. Having a poly issue I hope you can help with. I have 3 partners, one I have been with for 15 years, another I have been with for 3 years and one I have been with for about 3 months. The latter two make up the crux of my problem.

With the new GF, I admit, I am in the throes of some incredible and intense NRE. She and I have clicked harder than I have clicked with almost anyone, especially in recent memory. My GF of three years is having some major insecurities right now. I am her first poly relationship and this is also the first time I have developed a relationship with anyone since I have been seeing her. All previous instances have been more of one night stands or limited encounters.

Now, adding to this, a few months ago, I took a trip to visit family and my GF of fifteen years and the one of three years went with me. (The new GF was not in the picture at the time.) To say things did not go well would be a massive understatement. I need to add that I have a V type dynamic with those two, but prior to that trip they were very good friends. But it all went to hell. As a result of the trip, those two have ended their friendship and are no longer speaking. While I will admit to my share of mistakes leading up to the trip, their behavior towards each other and the impact it had on me and my family members, was and is extremely problematic. While I love and care for them a great deal, it has created a bit of discomfort for me.

Which brings me to the current situation. The GF of three years wants to meet the new GF and I am resisting—for now. Because of what just happened, I am extremely gun shy about introducing them, simply because I still haven’t come to grips with how awful everyone (myself included) behaved when we were out of town. Normally, I am a “kitchen table” type of poly guy where I like hanging out with and having good relationships with all of my partners. I have explained this to the new GF and she is understanding, but the other GF is pushing back on this, telling me I need to do this to make her more comfortable. For the record, I also am not ready to introduce the long term GF to the new GF either. It’s not that I want to keep them for meeting forever, but just for right now, I am not comfortable in making the introduction. I think I will probably get over it in a month or two, but for right now, I just can’t see myself making the introduction and being comfortable with them having contact, again, right now.

Should I just suck it up? Or is my cautious nature acceptable in the short term? My longterm GF met my then-new-now-three-year GF at about the two month mark and the long term GF, who is a Queen of Compersion, hasn’t even asked to meet the new GF yet, as she always just waits for me to make said introductions, so she is not a factor in this particular dilemma. Any thoughts or advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Pensively Obsessing Lately, Yup

I had just three thoughts—or three questions—after reading your letter, POLY: 1. Do any of your girlfriends have other boyfriends? 2. How many girlfriends are too many girlfriends? 3. Maybe I’m not the best person to tackle this one?

I shared your question with Cunning Minx, cohost of the long-running Polyamory Weekly Podcast, as she has more experience dealing with super complicated poly dynamics than I do. She can basically play three-dimensional poly chess in her sleep. Here’s what Minx had to say…

Ugh; that family visit sounds awful! I often say that Thanksgiving dinner is not the place for your poly drama. I don’t know how accepting your family is of your polyamory, but visiting family is stressful for most of us, even in the best of times. As we assume the role of son, daughter, brother, or sister, we often act differently around family than we do around friends and lovers. Old conflicts are often resumed. With your girlfriend of three years (3YG) already insecure about new relationship girlfriend (NRG), it wasn’t too wise to add a family dynamic on top of that. Live and learn! In the future, consider setting aside time before a family visit for everyone to bring up any potential issues and insecurities, mechanisms to address them, and escape plans in the instance that someone needs to execute a graceful exit.

Let’s talk about your fears. Frankly, it sounds like everyone has some insecurity to deal with: you fear more tension, 3YG is at odds with 15YG, and NRG is currently facing an unknown (3YG). Lots of fear, uncertainty, and doubt to go around. Consider that our fears tell us where to look to improve ourselves and our relationships. Lean in to them rather than turning away from them. This is the time to address those fears, not ignore or avoid them. It’s each person’s job to name, deal with, manage, and share their own insecurities. Sharing that vulnerability not only makes each person stronger, but it can also strengthen and deepen your relationships to boot.

So is it OK to wait until you stop reeling from the fallout of the Family Weekend from Hell to introduce 3YG to NRG? While your inclination is understandable, less communication is rarely beneficial to a fraught situation. In short, your partner is asking for more communication to deal with her fears. You’re wary of creating more tension, and understandably so. However, you are lucky enough to have a partner who is asking for what she wants; she is quite sensibly asking for communication with a metamour, which will likely help her to address whatever insecurities she’s dealing with. She’s doing the work to address her own fears and asking for your help to do it. Your fears shouldn’t be used to deny your partner the ability to address hers. Lean in. Make the introduction, state your fears about doing it, and ask for help if you need it.

You can find Cunning Minx on Twitter @CunningMinx and you can find the Polyamory Weekly Podcast and online resources for the poly and poly-curious at PolyWeekly.com.