Hey, Dan. 32-ish Canuck female here. Starting to wonder if the series of things I’m “looking for” in a partner is starting to veer into “too many dealbreakers” territory.
Specifically it’s feminism—I am so, so exhausted dating men who I have to explain basic feminist principles/ideas/concepts to. Things like women being socialized to be deferential, the oppressiveness of street harassment/objectification, or arguments about drunk girls passed out at college parties bearing personal responsibility for subsequent assaults. And I date cool men, Dan! Or at least, these guys are otherwise ostensibly educated, liberal, etc., and yet they’ve somehow maintained piles of these sorts of unquestioned notions. Also I’d really like to not have to have the “men are just more sexual than women and women want babies and security and rich men” conversation, not even a corner of it, thank you please very much. Guhhhh.
So okay—I casually bring up feminism now in early conversations because if that scares him off, good! Also if you’ve read Sex at Dawn before I’ve shoved it at you, gold star! But, man oh man, does this ever narrow the pool. Add to this: I’m kinky, D/S-style, and would ideally like a relationship that eventually includes openness—openness that isn’t limited to threesomes with other women. (He gets two girls sometimes, I would like two guys sometime—only fair, right?) I feel like I’ve got to be a Yahtzee for somebody. I’m cute enough, bright enough, socially adept enough, I’ve got interests and skills—I’m not a lemon. I do however live in a small community in the far north most of the year—though it is a community full of educated young arty people from big cities, so it’s a limited pool but not a stagnant one.
Anyways, that just starts to seem like a lot to ask, y’know? Kinky, dom-y, already-smart-about-gender-issues—also must be attracted to me and attractive to me and live somewhere between Vancouver and the Arctic Circle without passing east of the Alberta line.
I am including photos—a dumb selfie I took a year ago in Lisbon and a pic of a snow-tree topped with an Ice penis that I made this winter in the Yukon. I do well enough finding guys who are interested—and I totally get that I’ll have to “settle for” if I ever want to “settle down”—but, good lord, these dealbreaker things of mine seem pretty damned non-trivial, y’know?
Kinky Feminist Forest Girl
My response after the jump…
If you can’t find the man you want, KFFG, then you’re gonna have to make him—and you’ll have to make him from the materials you have at hand, i.e. guys who aren’t up to speed on those basic feminist principles/ideas/concepts, because what other choice do you have?
Well, actually, here’s one alternate choice: Hold out for a guy who’s up to speed on basic feminist principles/ideas/concepts. But you’ve tried that and you haven’t had much luck. But there are guys up to speed (UTS) on basic feminist principles/ideas/concepts (BFPIC) out there, KFFG, which means you either have terrible luck (you’ve never, ever met one these guys; you live someplace they don’t) or you’ve set the BFPIC bar so high that no guy can possibly clear it. Whichever it is, KFFG, you can’t find the BFPIC guy you want—so, again, you’re gonna have to make the man you want.
Before going any further, KFFG, I want this entered into the record: I think your dealbreaker things are entirely reasonable. I wouldn’t waste my time on a guy who wasn’t a feminist and I wouldn’t urge you to waste yours on one either. (Note to my fellow gay men: homophobia is misogyny’s little brother and gay men who can’t see that—fags who aren’t feminists—are unworthy of your time, attention, and semen as 1. they’re idiots and 2. they’re far likelier to be the kind of self-hating messes that make lousy boyfriends and husbands. And straight ladies? Straight guys who are homophobic are invariably misogynists as well. So if you’re with a guy who dislikes/fears/hates gay people then—surprise!—you’re with a guy who also dislikes/fears/hates women, a.k.a. you, and guys who hate you are unworthy of your time, attention, and lady sauce, make lousy husbands and boyfriends, etc.)
Okay, KFFG, your position can be summed up like this: You want a feminist guy—a guy who’s up to speed on BFPIC—but having to bring a guy UTS on BFPIC is a dealbreaker. Bringing guys UTS on BFPIC isn’t your job—guys who aren’t up to speed on BFPIC get kicked to the curb—because educating guys isn’t something you should have to do.
Here’s an essay by Fredrik deBoer that you might want to read. The relevant paragraph:
The word “should” is the worst thing that ever happened to the left. “Should” has become a virus in the contemporary left, a word that is more effective at defeating left-wing resistance than any right-wing argument ever could be. It seems like every day I read fellow leftists telling me what they should and shouldn’t have to do, rather than what they are compelled by injustice to do. “Feminists should not have to teach people the importance of feminism; it’s their responsibility to educate themselves.” Perhaps it is. But they won’t educate themselves. No one will make the world a just place but us. That’s why there is such a thing as feminism. The struggle exists precisely because the world does not fix itself and its people do not educate themselves. That’s such a basic statement of political principles it frightens me that it has to be said at all.
Circling back to my earlier point: I don’t think you should waste your time on guys who aren’t feminists, KFFG, but I don’t think educating otherwise decent guys who aren’t UTS on BFPIC is necessarily a waste of your time. (By “decent guys” I mean “potential/wannabe/imperfect feminist guys.”)
So here’s what I think you should do, KFFG: Invest a little time in the next guy you like who isn’t UTS on BFPIC. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Initially. Talk to him about feminism and gender issues (and other stuff, including stuff he’s interested in and passionate about) before and after fucking him, try not to dump him the first few times he says something stupid. In time you’ll be able to determine whether this particular guy isn’t UTS on BFPIC because he hasn’t been exposed to BFPIC before (and may be salvageable/educable with exposure) or if he’s a hopeless misogynist fuckstick who has clung to his retrograde/sexist beliefs despite earlier exposure to BFPIC/a hopeless misogynist dimwit who will cling to his retrograde/sexist beliefs despite your best efforts to educate him. If he’s the former (potentially salvageable/educable), he’s not a waste of your time and you should keep seeing him. If he’s the latter (hopeless fuckstick/dimwit), he is and you shouldn’t.
And finally, KFFG, you’re definitely someone’s Yahtzee: hot, kinky, smart, adventurous. Add a little patience and a willingness to whip a little Feminism 101 on a guy and it won’t be long before you find or make the man you want.
