Photos by Minh Tran
There’s no getting around it: The holidays can be a financial drain,
no matter what your budget may be. And even though people love to say,
“It’s the thought that counts,” everybody knows that gifts are where
it’s at, and thoughts have no resale value whatsoever.
So just how frugal can you be with your Christmas shopping?
The Mercury editorial staff decided to test the threshold of
bargain hunting and generosity in something we like to call the
10-Dollar Challenge™. The premise: Working in pairs, five teams
set out to buy five presents—one each for their parents, grandma,
spouse/lover/partner, boss, and one other recipient of their choosing
who really deserves a gift this year. The teams could not spend a penny
over $10 (total), and worked to find the most passable gifts possible
within that budget.
The only other rules: No shoplifting (it would pose an unfair
advantage to the few of us not on probation), no gifting of something
you already own, and absolutely, positively, no homemade, DIY, or baked
presents. (No matter how thoughtful your homemade gift, no one likes
it. Ever.) Each team’s haul is then assessed for resourcefulness,
originality, and most importantly, believability as a legitimate
gift.
So what, exactly, does $10 worth of Christmas gifts look like?
Instead of calling your depressing family in Eastern Oregon to find
out, read on as we play the Portland Mercury 10-Dollar
Challenge!
TEAM #1: SCOTT MOORE & AMY J. RUIZ
TOTAL EXPENDITURES: $0.00
Parent Gift: Portland walking maps; Portland Office of
Transportation (1120 SW 5th, 823-5185), FREE
We’re gonna let you in on a little secret here: The City of Portland
gives away a poop-ton of free things that don’t suck. Take, for
instance, this sweet set of SW and SE Portland walking maps, which can
be procured for free by logging onto portlandonline.com/transportation.
Sure, it’s a shitty gift for anyone, let alone a parent, but with
parents you can always pull this crap: “Now, I know it’s not much, but
it reminds me of how you used to walk me to school when I was a wee
one. I never told you how much that meant to me, until now.” Boo ya! In
your face, Hallmark!
Girlfriend Gift: A complimentary cosmetic application;
Nordstrom (701 SW Broadway, 224-6666), FREE
Every girl wants to feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman,
and every boy wants to be able to wow her with his wealth in order to
get some play. Trouble is, you’re as broke as the rest of us, so what’s
a penniless, horny man to do? Luckily, Nordstrom schedules free
cosmetic applications from top brands like MAC and Estée Lauder.
Schedule an appointment for your favorite lady (unless she’s too ugly
to be helped by make-up) and let her think you’re worth a billion
bucks.
Drug Dealer Gift: Scrap metal; craigslist (portland.craigslist.org),
FREE
The free offerings on craigslist are riddled with offers of free
scrap metal; all you have to do is haul it away. What better gift to
give your entrepreneurial dealer, who can take it to an industrial
recycling shop and walk out with some cash, which he can then convert
into more sweet, sweet drugs for you to snort.
Boss Gift: An actual pirate ship; private residence,
Gresham, FREE
We’ll just let the craigslist ad speak for itself: “For the love of
God will someone please get this???? I don’t understand why so many
people are flaking out even before they see it. It’s a free boat! It’s
15-foot, fiberglass boat that was turned into a pirate ship complete
with cannons, mast, wheel, etc. The boat has no title and you will need
to bring a trailer to haul it. Plug up the drain hole and it’s
seaworthy. Please just come get it off my front lawn. You don’t need an
appointment. You don’t even need to knock on the door. Please just come
get it.”
Grandma Gift: Plastic water bottle; Portland Water
Bureau (1120 SW 5th, #600, 246-3399), FREE
Ol’ Gramsies has a lot of pills to take these days just to stay
alive, and that’s been difficult ever since her salivary glands stopped
working 20 years ago. Give her the gift of at least one more day of
existence with this fancy plastic water bottle from your friends at the
Portland Water Bureau. It’s free, and—according to the helpful
text on the side of the bottle—you can get 16 refills for a
penny. Isn’t your grandmother’s love worth 1/16th of a penny?
What the judges say: You mean to tell us they were just
giving those tattered maps away? NO WAY! It’s a Christmas
miracle!!! Other acute observations: You must like your girlfriends
even dumber than we do, because that gift idea wouldn’t even impress an
aspiring hillbilly drag queen who’s never seen the inside of a mall.
Also, drug users steal and sell scrap metal so that drug
dealers can pocket all their money. Offering a dealer a sharp
pile of rusty tin might very well get you shot. Finally: The pirate
ship would have won you Best Cheapskate Gift Giver of all time—if
you had actually, you know… gotten it. Telling people about what you
would have given them if you weren’t so lazy is worse than no gift at
all. Please take us off your Christmas list. (As a result of this
embarassing display, Scott Moore no longer works for the
Mercury.)
TEAM #2: ALISON HALLETT AND ERIK HENRIKSEN
TOTAL EXPENDITURES: $8.26
Parent Gift: One jar of Gerber Carrot Apple Mango Baby Food;
Rite-Aid (1814 NE 41st, 249-7627), $0.69
Let’s face facts: Ever since you dropped out of college and got a
job waiting tables, you’ve been nothing but a colossal disappointment
to your parents. These days, you traipse home once a year hoping for a
Christmas check, and otherwise refuse to return your Dad’s phone calls
or read the email forwards your Mom sends you. And your parents know
this.
At this point, they’ve given up on you, and want only what your
fertile genitals can provide them: a bouncing, bubbly grandchild. Make
their gift a simple jar of Gerber’s baby food, and let them draw their
own conclusions. You don’t need to respond to their ecstatic
queries—just nod knowingly and say something vague about it still
being “very early.” It’s the gift they’ve been waiting for, and they’ll
remember this Christmas forever. SIDE NOTE: Expect things to get
awkward around August.
Partner Gift: Paper bag of condoms ‘n’ lube; Planned
Parenthood (3231 SE 50th, 888-875-7820), $1 for a dozen condoms and a
few travel packs of lube
What are your most cherished memories with your significant other?
Doin’ it, of course. And nothing says, “I sincerely value the depth and
intensity of our spiritual connection, as expressed through the spasms
and spurts of unfettered physical ecstasy” like a big ol’ bag of
rubbers. Choose the condom that best suits your unique love-making
style (Flavored? Studded? Colored?), and the fine folks at Planned
Parenthood will throw in some lube, ensuring a smooth ride to
satisfaction. Yes, friends, that’s what we call “romance,” and you just
got a brown paper bag full of it—for less than the price of a
soda.
Boss Gift: Origami paper; Fred Meyer (3030 NE Weidler,
280-1300), $3.99
As everyone knows, the best boss is a distracted boss—one
who’s too preoccupied to notice that you spend 38 hours a week watching
hilarious cat videos on YouTube. How best to ensure that your shameless
slacking goes undetected? Drop a package of origami paper on the boss’
desk. Nothing captivates an OCD control freak (i.e., a boss) quite like
the ancient Japanese art of paper folding. Mention that the giraffe is
particularly fun to make, then watch him disappear into his
office—only to emerge hours later, red-eyed and mumbling about
how its “goddamn tiny neck” won’t fold right. Continue watching
hilarious cat videos.
Insipid Nephew You Barely Know Gift: The Uncanny
X-Men #238, “signed” by “Stan Lee”; Periodicals
Paradise, (1928 NE 42nd, 234-6003), $1
Periodicals Paradise is a labyrinth of abandoned media, where
tattered magazines and pulpy paperbacks go to die. For a real holiday
gift, head for the boxes of virtually worthless comic books: Snag a
comic in a plastic bag with a backing board, and you’ll have what some
deluded nerd once considered a “collector’s item.” Scrawl a
half-legible “Stan Lee” on the front of the issue in Sharpie, and
you’ve got yourself a gift—one that the borderline-retarded kid
will promptly destroy, thus ensuring his parents will never find out
you didn’t actually spend a fortune on their little angel. Mission
accomplished. Thanks Stan!
Grandma Gift: Googly eyed novelty rolling pin; I’ve Been
Framed, (4950 SE Foster, 775-2651), $1.58
What? It’s a rolling pin with googly eyes. Old ladies love this
shit. (Come on. Your grandma’s just desperate for any hint that
her entire family hasn’t abandoned her to the dark, unspeakable horrors
of the discount retirement home in which she’s imprisoned. She’ll find
her new “best friend” to be “so, so sweet”—and your spot in the
will is assured for at least one more year.)
What the judges say: Good job on the parent gift, but your
dad knows that feeding a baby mangoanything will only ensure it
will grow up as fruity as you did. Grandma’s rolling pin teeters on DIY
fare, but googly eyes are the spice of life, so we’ll let it slide.
However—if our partners ever gave us the “gift” of prophylactics,
we would automatically assume they had contracted an STD somewhere and
were paranoid about giving it to us. Gotta think these things though,
Team #2. Decent job.
TEAM #3: MATT DAVIS AND WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
TOTAL EXPENDITURES: $3 PROFIT (WE MADE MONEY,
BITCHES)
Children’s Gift: A crime spree with McGruff the Crime Dog;
Portland City Hall (1221 SW 4th), FREE
McGruff the Crime Dog may look disconcerting to adults in his tatty
brown trenchcoat, but guess what? Kids love him—just as kids are
naturally drawn to all strange men in similar attire! Now, thanks to
the City of Portland’s Office of Neighborhood Involvement, you too can
borrow the full-size McGruff suit and teach your kid to “take a bite
out of crime” instead of his sister’s leg. For nothing! (Though it may
be funny, don’t wear the costume while drunk and waving around a
gun.)
Drunken Uncle Gift: Bowling ball, Easyriders calendar; Metro Central Transfer Station (AKA the dump) (6161 NW
61st), FREE
It’s a sad but true fact: People throw away ANYTHING—even
here, in recycle-happy Portland. That being said, you’re not much of an
“environmentalist” unless you’re picking out this year’s holiday gifts
from the city dump. And OH! The treasures you’ll find! A recent trip to
the dump revealed scads of perfectly lovely giveables, including lamps,
desks, beds, mattresses (ignore that oozing brown stain)—and the
perfect gift for my drunken Uncle Woody, a gorgeous purple bowling
ball, and a super-cool Easyriders motorcycle calendar from 1981.
(He’s so drunk, he’ll never know the difference.) As they say, “One
man’s trash is another man’s treasure”… especially if that man is my
drunken Uncle Woody!
Sexy Grandma Gift: Slippers, basket of lotion samples;
Windermere Real Estate, mall makeup counters, FREE
Just because one is over 50 doesn’t mean one can’t be sexy. HAW!
Just kidding. But we’ll continue to let “sexy Grandma” believe this
fallacy. In fact, we’ll enable her futile dreams with luxurious
slippers and bath products—all provided free of charge from local
corporations! See, to maintain their high-class clientele, corporations
give away tons of swag—and since everyone has a friend who works
at a large company, get them to help you score great gifts! A friend
who works at Windermere Real Estate provided some sweet promotional
slippers, while a make-up counter friend came through with a basket of
cosmetic samples. (Now if I can make pals with someone who works at
Victoria’s Secret, sexy Grandma will make out like a bandit! LITERALLY.
Wink.)
Blazers-Lovin’ Cousin Gift: Limited-edition Greg Oden T-shirt and
“signed” basketball; City Dump and Nike Corporation, FREE
Oh… another thing we found at the dump was a slightly deflated
basketball—the perfect gift for my b-ball-loving cousin Jeffrey.
The thing about Jeffrey is that he’s a complete nutbag for the Blazers’
Greg Oden—even though thanks to his recent injury, Oden is of no
use to anyone. I also have a friend at Nike, who was easily able to
obtain a sweet limited-edition Oden T-shirt (another great example of
corporate swag that’s free for the taking). Then I simply pumped up the
ball, and wrote on it, “Your Friend Greg Oden.” Notice how I didn’t put
a comma after “Your Friend”? That legally protects me from any forgery
charges, because all I’m saying is that Jeffrey considers Greg Oden his
friend. Goddamn, I’m smart.
Noisy Neighbor Gift: Vintage ’80s boombox, Herbie Hancock mix
tape; Portland freecycle.org,
FREE
If Flanders has been playing his music a little too boisterously
lately, why not employ this ingenious win-win gifting solution? Tell
him you loved nothing better than hearing Eric Clapton Unplugged at full volume through the walls on Thanksgiving, but the least he can
do is “diversify” his tastes in return. Give him this vintage
boombox (obtained from the free recycling website freecycle.org) and a looped mix tape of
Herbie Hancock’s “Rockit” (recorded off YouTube). Then send him off up
Alberta to ask about this new “so-called breakdancing phenomenon.”
(EPILOGUE: Since we didn’t spend a single penny on the gifts,
we spent our allotted 10 bucks on scratch lottery tickets, and actually
made a whopping THREE-DOLLAR PROFIT. Eat THAT, other teams!)
What the judges say: Hats off for your ingenuity and
willingness to dumpster dive for people you hardly even like, Team #3.
Kudos especially for using freecycle.org and scoring the sweet biker
calendar. Your resourcefulness and creativity should be applauded.
HOWEVER—Not only did you disregard the rules of the challenge,
you have absolutely nothing to give your wives, parents, or boss on
Christmas. (I’m sure they’ll take solace in knowing that you were too
busy taking care of water-brained Uncle Woody to buy them a gift.)
TEAM #4: CHRISTINE S. BLYSTONE AND CHAS BOWIE
TOTAL EXPENDITURES: $7.23
Parent Gift: A grandchild, as represented by a plastic baby
doll; Teen Challenge (3101 NE Sandy, 232-7086), $1.34
“What the… ??” is what you’ll hear on Christmas morning when your
parents unwrap this palm-sized plastic tot. That’s when you work up
your best Renée Zellweger happy face and deliver their real
gift: The news that you’re pregnant. Not only will your parents be
filled with joy, but they will also dote on you the whole day, bringing
you seconds on pie, telling you to put your feet up, and excusing you
from doing any dishes after the Christmas feast. March is a good time
to send them part two of the present, the porcelain figurine of an
angel baby, also picked up at Teen Challenge, along with the
heartbreaking news. Be sure to send it when you’re PMSing, so it will
be that much easier to cry on the phone when they call about the
miscarriage.
Partner Gift: Gift subscriptions to all of their favorite
magazines (including the fancy European ones); FREE
You know those pesky subscription cards that fall out of magazines?
Here’s a little secret: If you fill them out, check “bill me later,”
and (this is important), don’t sign anything, the subscription
centers will process your request and the magazines will start rolling
in. Once they finally start bugging you about payment, and you can’t
stall them anymore, tell them that you never sent off for anything, and
the magazines just started showing up. No signature equals no
responsibility. So treat your sweetie to all their favorites this
Christmas, then get ready to badmouth the mailman for stealing all of
their magazines, come springtime.
Grandma Gift: A photo of “dear, sweet Johnny”; Really
Good Stuff (1332 SE Hawthorne, 238-1838), $.50
Tell Grandma you hired a genealogical researcher earlier this year,
and he miraculously found a long-lost photo of her late brother Johnny
from when he was stationed overseas. Present the picture (any old photo
will do; Really Good Stuff has file cabinets full of them) and watch
Grandma’s cataract-fogged eyes well up with sentimental tears. Turn on
some Murder, She Wrote, grab some hard candy, and slip out the
back door quietly.
Boss Gift: An autographed Born in the USA LP; Everyday Music (1931 NE Sandy, 239-7610), $.50
Since every boss’ life peaked sometime during your childhood, and
has been losing meaning every day since (not Wm. Steven Humphrey, of
course!), go ahead and make him feel still relevant for a day. A quick
Sharpie-mod manipulates his dull wit and self-import perfectly. “To the
‘real’ Boss,” it reads. “Tramps like us were born to run—Bruce.”
For the next six months in the office, you can do no wrong.
That Friend Whose Emails and Phone Calls You’ve Been Ignoring
Gift: El Salvadoran machete; Andy and Bax (324 SE Grand, 234-7538),
$4.89
You know who he is. You ditch him to voicemail every time he calls.
You ignore every one of his emails for no good reason, including the
one that reads, “Just want to make sure everything’s cool between us.
Hope you’re all right.” But now you’ve bumped into him on the street,
and he invited you to his Christmas party—what to do? Show up
with a $5 machete from Andy and Bax and tell him that you just returned
from Central America the day you before you ran into him. But you
missed him greatly, and smuggled this wicked machete through customs
just for him. (Wince and point to your butt for extra effect.)
What the judges say: Five different gifts, five forms of
deceit. Bra-vo. But seriously, how many bogus autographs and faked
pregnancies do Mercury writers have up their sleeves? Add one
point for a well-thought-out exit strategy on the dead fetus scam, and
minus the same point for basically stealing the magazines, even if it’s
not technically shoplifting. By the way—does that trick really
work?
TEAM #5: COURTNEY FERGUSON & MARJORIE SKINNER
TOTAL EXPENDITURES: $9.89
Parent Gift: The Complete Bartender book, Sula by Toni Morrison, bottle openers,
beer publications; Any bar with a bookshelf and swag, FREE
One of the only things you and your parents have ever agreed on is
booze. It’s what makes Thanksgiving bearable. So while you’re
prefunc-ing for the holidays at your neighborhood tavern, why not pick
up some free books for ma ‘n’ pa? It’s not like anyone ever reads the
dusty tomes on display at your favorite bar—so ask the bartender
if you can have a couple. Dad’s happy because he can use his new
bartending book to try his hand at vintage cocktail recipes, and Mom’s
ooohing and aaahing over her Toni Morrison book (‘Wasn’t this on
Oprah’s Book Club?’). See, everyone’s happy, and you got to spend all
their gift money getting boozy.
Boyfriend Gift: Disposable camera, vintage Playboy,
package of spaghetti; City Liquidators (830 SE 3rd, 232-7412),
Cameron’s Books and Magazines (336 SW 3rd, 228-2391), Fred Meyer
(various locations), $3.29
He didn’t start dating you because he needed someone to buy him a
fancy Christmas gift, he started dating you because he wanted to tap
‘dat ass! Holidays are just an excuse to try out new ways of
ass-tapping, so for peanuts we’ve supplied the tools necessary to
recreate a classic scene from the April 1974 issue of Playboy (plus he gets to keep the issue, which is full of natural boobs and
pubic hair) in which a man and a woman are “playing” in a bathtub full
of spaghetti! Yummmm! Document your re-creation of the scene with the
$1 camera, and if it falls in the tub, who gives a shit?
Niece/Nephew Gift: Neon and glow-in-the-dark sidewalk chalk,
modeling clay set; City Liquidators (830 SE 3rd, 232-7412), $2
Whitney was right—children really are our future. So
give them the tools to grow, like a pack of bright-colored and
glow-in-the-dark sidewalk chalk and a modeling clay set. These artist
supplies are cheap as hell, and because your li’l niece or nephew has
no concept of money, they’ll never know the difference. Think of all
the projects these burgeoning artists of the future could come up
with—in no time flat, little Johnny or Judy will be tagging the
chalky shit out of their kindergarten classroom, or sculpting
uncomfortably violent reenactments of Saw IV with their modeling
clay. Aaaaw, kids are so adorable.
Boss Gift: Confederate Tin Rooster, Patriotic Star Earrings;
City Liquidators (830 SE 3rd, 232-7412), Teen Challenge (3103 NE Sandy,
232-7086), $2.65
Other than the whole work economy thing, you really don’t have a lot
in common with your boss. In fact, the only thing you can thank that
bitch for is having something new to gripe about with your coworkers
over lunch. But, since it’s the holidays, you struggle to find a common
ground— and finally, you found it! You are both from the same
country! Now, faced with the choice between an American Flag tin
rooster and a Confederate Flag tin rooster, what are you really going
to do? You have to go with the Confederate rooster because it will
eventually be worth more on the 22nd century’s answer to Antiques
Roadshow, and in the meantime your boss will be obligated to
display it in her office out of false gratitude, something that the HR
department is just going to love. Hopefully she’ll be wearing
the chintzy earrings you got her on the day she is forced to clear her
desk, when she will most likely leave the Confederate rooster for you
to reclaim and stow in your basement until the 22nd century.
Cha-ching!
Grandma Gift: Sewing kit, storage tin; City Liquidators (830
SE 3rd, 232-7412), $2
Grandma ain’t got shit to do after her morning armchair exercise
show and before tea time, so help her fill the empty hours with what
truly would be an awesome gift for anyone, at any age: This sewing kit
comes with a ton of different colored thread spools, little scissors,
needles, and other notions you need for everything from simple mending
projects to freestyling needlepoint work. And to keep everything
together, we’ve settled them into a three-compartment storage tin
that’s printed with all kinds of old-timey looking stuff. We’re not
sure what exactly, but we bet Grandma will remember.
What the judges say: (Insert slow clap here.) Not only were
you two able to convince us that you care at least a tiny bit about the
people you’re buying gifts for, but you also sound slutty, and that
kind of gift just keeps on giving. (At least, until you change his
status from “boyfriend” to “husband.” ZOINK!) Congratulations to Team
#5 for making 10 dollars stretch further than the elastic band on Rosie
O’Donnell’s boxer shorts!