I KNOW. You hear me grouse about holiday theater season constantly, with all the gray-mustachioed derision of Statler and Waldorf. But itâs HERE. And despite all my haranguing, IT ISNâT GOING AWAY. If youâre about to be spending a lot of time with your extended family, and youâve already told your racist uncle why he should stop making offensive jokes (weâre all interrupting our racist uncles this Christmas, right? GOOD) then âquality timeâ may be best spent shoulder-to-shoulder with your eyeballs pointed in the same direction. Besides, Iâm trying to be less crabby about the glitter explosions ahead. So I mined this yearâs holiday show offerings for sound alternatives to hate-watching Love Actually through a critical feminist lens for the thousandth time. Will it work? Probably not! But letâs try anyway. Here are five opportunities to avoid being uncharitably compared to a hateful, antisocial miser this holiday season:
Vivaâs Holiday
Based on the memoirs of Portland stripper Viva Las Vegas, Vivaâs Holiday sure stands out from the rest of holiday theater seasonâs good-cheer offerings. Okay yes, it IS a Christmas opera about a stripper, and if thatâs what gets you in the door, Iâm for it. But if youâre like âA HOLIDAY OPERA THAT REQUIRES A STRIPPER POLE BERTA FETCH ME MY SMELLING SALTS,â calm down, because Vivaâs Holiday is also just a great depiction of the emotional vulnerability many of us feel around the holidays, whether itâs because weâre related to Trump supporters or our families arenât accepting of our life choices or we just find that coming home causes us to revert to our teenage selves and yell at our parents about how we didnât ASK TO BE BORN even though we love them and are nearly 30. This is territory most holiday spectaculars donât dare investigate, and thatâs a shame, because it ignores how many of us experience the holidays. Weâre lucky that Vivaâs Holiday goes there, plus, for all you classical music dorks/recovering woodwind players, the pit orchestra is GREAT.Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, Wed-Thurs Dec 7-8, Wed-Sat Dec 14-17, 9 pm, $25
The Santaland Diaries
Iâll never forget stumbling onto David Sedaris reading The Santaland Diaries aloud for the first time, on an NPR segment originally recorded in 1992. Sedarisâ dry, nasally delivery hasnât changed, but Santaland features a darker, younger, lost-er Sedaris than the one who lives in France now and writes essays about his language-based expat struggles. No one can replicate Sedaris, and fortunately, Darius Pierce, who plays Sedarisâ elf alter-ego Crumpet in Portland Center Stageâs staged version of the essay, doesnât imitate Sedaris, but makes the iconic material his own in a magnanimous holiday performance. Pierce is funny and warmhearted in Santaland, and if you HAVE to attend a holiday play your entire NPR-subsidizing family will enjoy, this oneâs not a bad option. Ellyn Bye Studio at the Armory, 128 NW 11th, Tues-Fri 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun 7:30 & 2 pm, through Sat Dec 24, $25
The Nutcracker
HEAR ME OUT. Yes, I know ballet isnât for everyone, but neither is football. And just like football, ballet is one of the most brutal displays of athletic prowess youâll ever seeâseriously, did you know that American Ballet Theatre principal dancer Misty Copeland once danced The Firebird with SIX stress fractures in her tibia? Fucking badass. You canât see Misty Copeland in Portland, but you CAN see the Balanchine version of The Nutcracker, whose primacy in the world of ballet has been the target of deserved criticism, but which also happens to be one of the few choreographed adventures in an alternate reality featuring a girl protagonist and a hell of a lot of wish fulfillmentâI mean, the heroine gets to pal around with a prince in the safe space of a dream, and she defeats an evil rat king WITH HER SHOE. Think of it less as a dull parade of sentient candy and snowflakes (which, fair warning, IT IS) and more like Maurice Sendakâs In the Night Kitchen, but for girls. EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AT THE BALLET! Oregon Ballet Theater at Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay, starts Sat Dec 10, Thurs-Fri 7:30 and Sat-Sun 7:30 & 2 pm, through Mon Dec 26, $29
Marilyn Monroe Contre Les Vampires
Thatâs French for âMarilyn Monroe Against the Vampires,â and no, I have no fucking clue whatâs going on here, either. Itâs the name of performance group Liminalâs upcoming holiday show/art installation, adapting Rainer Werner Fassbinderâs 1972 satire about a visiting extraterrestrialâs attempts to understand our bizarre vale of tears. (If the world looks weird to you right now, you can be sure itâd look just as horrifying to hyper-intelligent life forms from other planets.) On that note, you might not want to take your racist uncle to this one: Among Liminalâs extensive list of trigger warnings for this show is the name of our tiny-handed, popular vote-losing president-elect. If youâre wisely limiting your exposure to the Orange Menace (me too), thereâs no shame in heeding it. But if youâre feeling up for weirdnessâand Iâm not kidding, as previous holiday offerings from Liminal include 2014âs Santa, a production of E.E. Cummingsâ odd play about Santa Claus and deathâMarilyn Monroe at the very least promises to be strange enough to pull you out of your holiday whimsy-induced stupor. Disjecta, 8371 N Interstate, Thurs Dec 8 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat Dec 9-10 7:30 & 9:30 pm, Sun Dec 11 5:30 & 7:30 pm, $20
The Siren Theaterâs Best Christmas Ever
Finally, thereâs one holiday play Iâll go to voluntarily: whatever seasonally appropriate show the jokesters at Shelley McLendonâs Bad Reputation Productions are offering. And Iâm not just saying that because it frequently stars my boss, Wm. Steven Humphreyâthough, FULL DISCLOSURE, heâs played Sam the Snowman in Rudolph on Stage! and appears in the latest show too, along with delightful performers like Jed Arkley, Michael Fetters, Janet Scanlon, and Erin OâRegan. Should you take your family to The Siren Theaterâs Best Christmas Ever? Maybe not! But you should definitely go. I mean it. Itâs a fresh new sketch comedy show and itâs what Statler and Waldorf would want. Siren Theater, 315 NW Davis, Fri-Sat 8 pm, through Dec 17, $12-16
