The Timbers' season opener is just hours away, and although plenty has been made of Portland's increased depth, big-time aspirations and a one huge offseason addition, (in)significant questions remain. Luckily, I'm here answer all your burning queries in an exclusive interview ... with myself.

1. Should the inevitable zombie apocalypse occur during a Timbers game, which player should I make sure I stand near? I'd cower somewhere behind Steve Purdy. A natural defender, his reach with a scythe would prove an asset.

2. Which Timber wears the most awesome socks? Rodney Wallace. After the AIK match, the Costa Rica national teamer covered his quick feet with stockings inspired by what I imagine to be some sort of secret, underground neon level from Super Mario 3. In other words, awesome.

3. Should the Timbers Army be singing the national anthem in tonight's season opener, like they did last year? Of course they should, though I understand the wanting by some to preserve last year's moment as an exclusive performance. Belting out the anthem in a chorus of thousands on opening night is far too joyous to deny future generations—and those hoping to cherish last year can certainly still do that. Make it a home-opener tradition and don't look back.

Click past the jump for inane questions! And check back at 6:30 p.m. for High-Pitched Live Blog Action of tonight's Timbers/Union match!

4. It's been cold lately. Are the players making sure they wear coats? Of course. Mike Chabala sports a particularly dapper tweed, and James Marcelin's peacoat looks plenty warm.

5. Speaking of Chabala, which Timber has sported the best hair so far in 2012? First of all, whatever Kris Boyd gave Bright Dike for his jersey number, Eric Alexander should double it and tip his barber. We'll give Alexander "most improved" honors, but the tightest cut in the club goes to Diego Chará's ponytail look during the San Jose preseason match. Very fresh.

6. Any more Timbers-inspired food carts on the horizon? Not that I've heard of, but Portland's roster could certainly support a Colombian offering set up near Jeld-Wen. Somebody fine-tune a nice bandeja paisa and let's make this happen.

7. Should the Timbers FO feel bad for booting Seattle fans out of line when single-game tickets went on sale? No, ticket allocations are just that. Plus, wouldn't taking pity on those who travel three hours to be disappointed and slightly embarrassed sorta defeat the purpose of this whole thing?

8. When John Spencer and Boyd talk to each other, does it sound anything like those twin babies conversing in the kitchen on the YouTubes? I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Shame on you. Really.

9. OK, since we're here, can you somehow incorporate Portlandia into this piece? Fine ... Troy Perkins has a pair of birds tattooed on his chest. I guess you could say that he ... wait, I can't do it. Sorry. And you're losing me.

10. Fine. Any ridiculous unsubstantiated rumors you'd like to start before we go? Yes, Jake Gleeson grew three inches over the offseason. Listed at 6-foot-3, he is actually 7 feet, 9 inches tall. True story.