Hello friends of the Dead! Did you watch last night's edition of The Walking Dead, and you can't wait to either talk about it or read my humorous ramblings? Then hit the jump for a spoiler-filled recap, and then let's chitty-chat about it! (Note: I'm generally funnier when the show annoys me, and last night's episode was ANNOYING AS CRAP.) Let's do this!

No, I do NOT need a hair band... and please stop asking me!
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "No, I do NOT need a hair band... and please stop asking me!"


Okay, here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Always Accountable."

1) What?? STILL NO GLENN? Ugh. Well, can somebody call Jimmy Johns and get them to deliver him a sandwich underneath that dumpster? By now he's gotta be STARVING.

2) So this VERY CONFUSING episode was all about Daryl, Sasha, and G.I. Ginger who were successful in leading the front half of the zombie horde away from Alexandria, and somewhat less successful in getting back to Alexandria. After bamboozling the zombies, the three are hauling "A" back to the homestead when suddenly they're ambushed by a bunch of jerks with machine guns. Daryl wipes out, but high tails it into the woods, while Sasha and G.I. Ginger smash their car through a wall and then come out with guns blazing like those old people in The Expendables.

3) Daryl isn't so lucky, and when he wanders into the woods (which is littered with burned zombie bodies... EWWWW!) he's knocked unconscious by three boring honkies who think he's with the gun-totin' group that was just shooting at him! As Alanis Morrisette might say, "Ironic." They later explain they're the ones who burnt down the woods (to kill the zombies... kind of a good idea) and were returning to rescue their pal Patty at an old fuel company. (SNORE, whatever.) Unfortunately, when they return the place, is overrun by zombies and the boring honkies get so distracted they don't see Daryl pick up their bag and run off into the woods, giggling like The Andy Griffith Show's Ernest T. Bass.

4) Meanwhile G.I. Ginger wants to run around like a damn fool killing zombies, but Sasha reminds him they should just stay put, wait for Daryl to track them down, and remain BORING for the rest of the episode. They are wildly successful.

5) Back in the woods, Daryl starts digging through the bag he stole, and... GODDAMMIT. There's insulin in there, which the smallest of the honkies desperately needs. He runs back and arrives just in time to save the honkies from the paramilitary dudes who are searching for them for reasons that are so confusing my brain won't abide by them. (But fuck a good reason, right?) The four then decide to check in on some former babysitters, or something? THIS EPISODE IS SO CONFUSING!! And the diabetic gets her neck bitten off by the dead babysitters because she's stupid. The good news? Now we have some extra insulin! HOORAY! (???)

6) Meanwhile back in town, Sasha and G.I. Ginger hold a verbal competition to see who went crazier and now is more saner. (Sasha wins.) Ginger goes on a shopping spree and finds 1) a military Humvee with rocket grenades and cigars (??) and 2) a zombie soldier dangling off a bridge with a rocket launcher. Ginger decides screaming in the soldier's face is the best way to retrieve the launcher (it isn't), but luckily the soldier falls off on his own accord (probably because Ginger was boring him to death), and considerately leaves the rocket launcher behind. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS STUPID SHOW??? He returns to Sasha and figures this is as good a time as any to hop inside her pants. She's like, "What? EWWW! NO! Maybe... WHY?" And he's all like, "Hey... A MAN ALWAYS KNOWS." This statement is categorically incorrect, and is indicative of the terrible writing of this episode. (Please Sasha, at least make him shave that disgusting mustache off first!!)

7) So what about Daryl? He decides to invite the remaining boring honkies to live with them in Alexandria, and gets his motorcycle stolen for his trouble. This is another indicator that the Walking Dead writing staff loves guns, and thinks humanity is a bunch of fucking nonsense bullshit. (They must be lots of fun at parties.) Anyway, Daryl finds a gas truck, goes to pick up Sasha and G.I. Ginger, and as they're driving back to Alexandria, they hear someone calling for "HALP!!" over the walkie talkie. OH, WHOSOEVER COULD IT BE???


9) Okay, so that was just an annoying, confusing episode with a lot of blabbering that didn't amount to anything, and now I'M JUST MAD. I don't mind that the writers are showing us this very long day from several different angles... but this potentially really interesting episode was just confusing, boring, and I HATED IT. So! What did YOU think? Put your opinions in the comments below, and check back in next week when they STILL probably won't tell us anything about poor Glenn. BAHH!!

The ladies love me... A MAN ALWAYS KNOWS.