OKAY, I'm happy that I was RIGHT about a certain character surviving, but after the jump, I'm gonna lose my GOT-DAMNED MIND over how it was done! Are you ready for a full spoiler-filled recap of last night's Walking Dead episode, and me losing my GOT-DAMNED MIND??? Then by all means hit the jump, and let's get chitty-chatting about it!

Hi, just stopped by to say that I still look pretty good for being a zombie. Also? Check out my indie rock band.
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Hi, just stopped by to say that I still look pretty good for being a zombie. Also? Check out my indie rock band."

More after the jump!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Heads Up."

1) Yes, yes, as usual, I was almost 100% completely right and GLENN IS ALIVE. Although maybe just possibly I was incorrect about how it would probably be a new character (Jesus) saving him, and I was also maybe possibly probably incorrect about how it was Glenn squeaking "HALP!" on the walkie-talkie last week. BUT I WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE, AND YOU SHOULD NEVER DOUBT ME AGAIN! And now? I shall lose my GOT-DAMNED MIND.

2) WHAT... THE... FUCK??? So that idiot Nicholas falls on top of Glenn, and gets his guts eaten out as Glenn scrambles underneath the dumpster (as I predicted). BUT!! Did you notice that magical stairway to the viewer's right of the dumpster that certainly wasn't there last time when Glenn and Nicholas was running down that dead-end alley? I know, I looked, and that fucking stairway was nowhere to be seen! But suddenly? THERE IT IS after Glenn climbed out and chased after Enid! Obviously if that stairway had been there before, Glenn would never have gotten into that mess, and I could've been wasting my precious theorizing time on more important things! (No, I can't give any examples right now, because I'M TOO FREAKING STEAMED.)

3) Also! How is it that the dumpster zombies just get bored and walk away, and yet the zombies banging on the walls of Alexandria will seemingly stay there forever? I SHOULD NOT BE SMARTER THAN THE CONTINUITY PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW!!

4) Alright, I'm calming down now. Anyway, so Enid gives Glenn some water and dashes away like the asshole teenager she is. When Glenn catches her and asks her what's happening in Alexandria, she dashes away AGAIN like the asshole teenager she is. Why do teens have to be such assholes?? Naturally Glenn gives her a dad-like lecture which goes over like a lead balloon... and speaking of balloons, Enid finds the balloons and helium tanks that Rick was using as markers, and decides to bring them along to "distract the walkers." WHAT?? Zombies can't see you if you have balloons tied to your back?? When did that become a thing? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THIS STUPID SHOW???

5) Fine, calming down again. Meanwhile back in Alexandria, Morgan tries to explain to the gang why he didn't kill those butthole Wolves when they raided the town. Something something something about how if he had killed them they would've killed Daryl and Aaron, and would've attacked Alexandria anyway? WHAT??? GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

6) Meanwhile Rick and Carl's Jr. are teaching Enid's ex-boyfriend how to shoot a gun without bullets. He's like, "Why can't I shoot a loud gun while thousands of zombies are surrounding the compound... oh." (This kid is kind of thick.) Turns out the real reason he wants bullets is to kill Carl's Jr. because he stole Enid away, and shoved him down in the most pathetic fight in TV history. (He's not successful because of something I'll talk about later.)

7) Morgan visits Dr. Denise the bumbling surgeon, and awkwardly asks, "Say someone—not me of course!—had a Wolf pack member holed up in an apartment here in town, and that wolf pack member needed antibiotics... which is crazy of course, because I would never do anything that stupid." Naturally Snoopy Carol (and her sweater) catch on to the plot and follow Morgan and Dr. Denise to the makeshift prison cell, where she screams, "AH-HAH!" And he's all like, "OH HO!" And she's all like, "HEE! HEE!" (I don't recall what happened after that.)

8) Hey! Remember the mayor's son Spencer? He's a coward and an idiot, and makes a stupid play to climb over the outside zombies and supposedly get a car to lead them all away. Naturally everyone panics and starts shooting guns in the air, thereby making the entire situation worse. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE "LET'S STAY QUIET" PLAN, GUYS??

9) Glenn and Enid (and her balloons) arrive back on the outskirts of Alexandria and see they can't get in. Enid says, "Hold on... instead of using these balloons to 'distract zombies', why don't I send them up in the air as a signal to Maggie, which will give her an opportunity to sob uncontrollably in another elusive attempt at an Emmy?" Glenn's like, "Okay, cool."

10) But! That's about the time that old creaking church on the perimeter of the grounds comes crashing down, and taking part of the wall with it. The zombies are like, "Awesome, we were just about to turn around and walk away out of boredom, but now? IT'S DINNER TIME! And on tonight's menu? ALEXANDRIA BRAAAAAAINS!!"

11) Aaaaand fin.

12) Sheesh! That was a frustrating and mostly unsatisfying episode—yes, because of all the inconsistencies, but also because of all those exposition-filled scenes that went NOWHERE. So tell me, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT ONE? Put your comments in the comment box thingy below, and join me next week for the slam-bang mid-season finale, in which we'll probably see our most despised Alexandrians getting their asses eaten out (in not a fun way).

I didnt see the stairway because I wasnt wearing my glasses, okay?!? BOO-HOO-HOO!
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "I didn't see the stairway because I wasn't wearing my glasses, okay?!? BOO-HOO-HOO!"