The government shutdown may be destroying the lives of single underemployed mothers—but it’s also destroying the lives of those who love “CUTE” by shutting down the National Zoo’s beloved panda cam. Thank god then for the increasingly funny Conan O’Brien whose show fills the gap with his newest segment: “Masturbating Bear Cam.” ENJOY.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)