In my years of getting stoned, I’ve found that there are generally two types of stoners: the industrious stoners and the lazy stoners. There are the folks who smoke a joint before alphabetizing their record collection, cleaning the bathroom grout with a toothbrush, or designing dynamic and user-friendly computer programs. These are people who, despite a full-time job and maintaining a grow-house, still manage to whip up a marijuana-spiked flourless chocolate cake for a weekday dinner party. These people are successful, productive, and yet somehow, constantly stoned.

Then there are, of course, the people like myself: the lazy stoners. We enjoy sharing a doober, making nachos, then watching two hours of Family Guy and Two and a Half Men reruns. The culinary feats we dazzle our friends with include frozen pizzas, spaghetti and meatballs, and occasionally flipping a few flapjacks on a Sunday afternoon. But thankfully for us, there are lots of easy ways to bring that big bag of marijuana into the kitchen, and none of them require a Moroccan couscoussière.

But whether you’re a magician in a kitchen, or your best dish is a jar of bean dip, we’ve got recipes that will keep you from stressing about the holidays—and instead, drifting through them in a giggly stupor. After all, it’s going to be a long, dark winter. So let’s pass the time in a productive and enjoyable way—by throwing a party and experimenting with drugs. But please be a responsible host and let your guests know if the food is loaded.

RECIPES FOR THE GANJA GOURMET

Bud Butter

  • illustration by Jeremy Eaton

Though preparing marijuana butter can take an entire afternoon, you can store it for future projects. Even lazy stoners might want to take a stab at whipping up a batch of the THC-laden butter—it lasts a long time and can be used anywhere you’d use regular old butter. The possibilities are endless!

What you’ll need:

1 gallon water

1 pound butter

1 ounce or more of marijuana shake

1 large cooking pot

1 large bowl

Put the water, marijuana, and butter into a large pot and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and let simmer up to five hours. Turn heat off and run the mixture through a fine metal strainer or cheesecloth into a bowl. Squeeze cheesecloth to remove whatever butter you can from the marijuana. Discard the weed when you’re done. Put the bowl of hot water and butter in the fridge or freezer. When the butter hardens, dump out the water, microwave the butter a bit, and then transfer to a Tupperware container. The butter will keep for several weeks.

Marijuana Milk

Like marijuana butter, marijuana milk has countless purposes. Use it in milkshakes or pancakes, or better yet, homemade hot chocolate spiked with Baileys. Now that should give you enough assistance to get through even the most mind-numbing family gatherings.

What you’ll need:

One quart milk

One eighth to one quarter marijuana shake

One medium-sized cooking pot

Pour the milk and sweet leaf into your pot. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for about an hour. Thrill your guests with herby mashed potatoes that will blow their minds.

Stoner Suds

For the home-brewers who are suddenly everywhere, throwing some weed in your brew is sure to make holiday parties more surreal. (Look, all your coworkers are totally fucked up!) For five gallons of beer, boil about a half-ounce of weed in water, then simmer for about two hours. Then add the weed and water mix to a high-alcohol brew that is almost done fermenting. Give it a couple days and you’re ready to bottle and drink.

Pot Truffles

These pot truffles are insanely rich and delicious, and the chocolate flavor goes great with the pot.

What you’ll need:

6 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

An 8-ounce package of cream cheese

1/8 ounce of weed

3 tablespoons instant coffee

2 teaspoons water

1/4 cup pot butter

double boiler or microwave-safe bowl

Melt four cups of the chocolate chips and the weed in a microwave or double boiler. Remove from heat and mix in cream cheese, coffee, and water. Chill in the fridge for about an hour until the mix is firm enough to shape into one-inch balls. Place on wax paper and place in freezer for another hour until very firm. In microwave or double boiler, melt final two cups of chocolate chips and butter. When smooth, drop a few frozen balls at a time into the chocolate mixture and stir quickly. Remove the balls quickly and put on wax paper lined cookie sheet. Allow time to cool and harden.

RECIPES FOR THE LAZY STONER

Chocolate Chip Pot Cookies

This is a favorite recipe that tastes great while requiring almost no cooking skill.

What you’ll need:

1 roll pre-made cookie dough

1/4 ounce of weed

spice grinder

baking sheet

Throw your weed into spice grinder and grind until it is fine dust. Cut slices from your cookie dough log and coat each slice in marijuana dust. Put cookies slices on greased baking sheet and follow the baking instructions on the package.

Thanksgiving Day Dope Stuffing

What you’ll need:

8 cups slightly stale bread torn into pieces

1 cup chicken broth

1/2 cup celery

1/2 cup chopped onions

1/2 cup melted butter

1/2 cup chopped marijuana

2 tablespoons red wine

black pepper

saucepan

Sautee celery and onion in butter in your saucepan, then pour in broth, marijuana, red wine, and pepper. Bring to a boil. Then pour over breadcrumbs, stir, and use to stuff your bird.

The Green Dragon

The Green Dragon is a dangerous cocktail that could knock you on your ass. But then again, you might have fun on the way down.

What you’ll need:

One fifth of vodka

1/4 ounce marijuana

fine mesh strainer

Pour vodka and weed into a saucepan. Heat slowly without boiling for 15 minutes. Strain and cool in the freezer. Drink Green Dragon straight over ice or with mixers.

*These recipes are only intended for use during parties to which only people who are legally prescribed medical marijuana are invited. Seriously.

RESOURCES

You’ll need a weed dealer. Can’t really help with that.

Order a weed cookbook from greencookbook.com, or take a look at thestonerscookbook.com.

New Seasons Markets offers all kinds of different cooking classes including “Fall Desserts” and “Versatile Appetizers with Phyllo Dough, Pie Crust, and Puff Pastry.” Hone your skills and become a more impressive chef, with or without dope.

newseasonsmarket.com

Interested in learning to make your own beer? Check out F.H. Steinbart Company for all the supplies and advice you’ll need. Maybe don’t tell them you’re brewing pot beer, though.

F.H. Steinbart Company, 234 SE 12th, 232-8793

Looking for something special like a Moroccan couscoussière (it’s apparently for making couscous)? Sur La Table has all the fancy cooking equipment you could ever want. However, if you happen to be broke, I recommend scoring pans and spatulas at your local Salvation Army.

Sur La Table, 1102 NW Couch, 295-9679; Salvation Army, various locations, satruck.com

29 replies on “Now We’re Cooking… with Pot!”

  1. Yeah that’d be great but I’m not in enuf pain or whatever to qualify for the medical stuff and otherwise have been unable to get the main ingredient ever since I got back a year ago… ah well.

  2. Hmmm . . . I thought the cannabis had to simmered in butter or oil to transfer the thc into a carrier that digestive system could more easily absorb. So the pot butter recipe makes sense, but I’m wondering if the recipes that have straight marijuana in them are going to be less potent because the body can’t absorb the thc directly as easily . . . but I may be wrong on this.

  3. Crock pots are pretty handy to make butter/oil with – just dump the proper ratio of butter to herb in there, set it on low for a few hours and bam! Makes the home a bit pungent though.

  5. I am new to this medication and found it helps much better than the Oxicontin and Vicoden cocktail the doctor has me taking. Problem is the legality of it, in my state under an ounce is just a fine, and slap on the wrist. Anyone got info on how to get involved in the fight to make it available federally so those of us in extreme pain can use it for relief? I will check back daily. And thanks in advance to anyone with ideas to share.

  7. Cosmictraveler – I agree thatI’ve heard the THC is best transferred to oil/fatmedium before ingestion for best effect.

    Surprised to not see the ultimate lazy recipe here – brownies! Get a box of cheap brownie mix that calls for vegetable oil. Put the prescribed oil in a pan, add well-pulverized herb (coffee grinders work great for this), simmer for 15-30m. Cool oil in fridge then make the brownies according to recipe. Delicious AND nutritious.

  10. People who are lazy potheads really have major depression or interaction with antidepressants and smoke pot are already lazy and unmotivated-pot just is what they use to escape. All kinds of people smoke pot and live well structured lives-like carl sagan.

  11. It is possible to obtain THC oil from the plant heating it with ethanol to dissolve, and once mixed, wait until the ethanol evaporates, leaving an oily residue rich in THC.

    I’m lazy and used the translator, saludos cannábicos.

  12. Hey Golanv: Check out the organization NORML. They’re always on the front lines of legalization debates.

    And my question is… on the truffles, does the coffee flavor come out strong in the truffles, or is it only for texture? I really hate the flavor of coffee, and was wondering if I could just omit it, or if it is necessary for consistency?

  13. pinkblobs: I’m not sure if you were meaning to be so mean, but I don’t think people who smoke and watch 2 hours of family guy reruns are necessarily depressed and unmotivated.

  14. Hey Katie- I didn’t read your article but I’m sure it’s really well written and informative. Good to see you at Fred Meyer the other day—–JFK

  15. although thc is alcohol soluble, i dont think by boiling vodka your end result will be an alcoholic drink. id also be very hesitant to put a flammable liquid on my stove top

  17. I’ve had experience with pure 99% alcohol and the bud soaked for a period of time, the longer the better up till 5 months. Makes a dandy tincture and a mighty fine sleeping aide….pain relief, anti spasm,,,, anti all bad body fellings. I’ve got MS nd find it most helpful. the dosage is 2 or 3 drops from an eye dropper and voila….. body happy.

  19. THC extracts in about 45 minutes. Use the ratios provided, simmer for 45 minutes and cut the cooking time way back. Butter does not respond well to being heated for that long. It will not bake properly and you run a risk of burning it.

    It works fine, trust me I’ve been doing it this way for 15 years and it works.

  20. Exercise, Nutrition, Rest: the three components of bodybuilding AND a healthy mind.
    I love turning my mind off for a few hours to recoop after finals, or a long week at work etc.
    Also, smokin’ a jay then cleaning the entire house like a reverse tornado is always fun. I definitely get an energy boost from pot.
    In fact it’s about the only use I have for it. But isn’t it crazy the complicated, emotional carnival surrounding a non issue like marijuana? In order to keep you from ‘hurting yourself’ with marijuana/being high we’ll put you in a cell where you may be raped and/or beaten. And we’ll seize all your possessions and pretty much ruin your life. How ugly and pointless is that?

    Oregon isn’t that progressive when it comes to this matter either:
    http://stopthedrugwar.org/in_the_trenches/…
    http://norml.org/index.cfm?wtm_view=&Group…

    I mean compared to Florida, yeah but not to Ohio, Maine, Colorado or Washington, in fact not compared to almost any other state when it comes to possession of anything over an ounce.Which means most ‘dealers’.

  21. By the way, those cartoons just reinforce negative stereotypes.
    Isn’t there any way to run a marijuana article in the Mercury without insulting your readers who smoke?
    Disappointing to say the least.

    Also, please sign this petition if you haven’t already:
    http://www.cannabistaxact.org/

    Tax and regulate.

  22. Soak an OUNCE in butter and then DISCARD???

    You’ve got to be crazy or just crazy rich to waste that much weed.

    May be just me, but I find the most efficient way to ingest my THC is by lighting it on fire and inhaling…

  23. Golanv Igvyi,

    i would like more info on this as well.

    the holy bible, genesis 1:29:
    And God said, I have give you every green herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the whole earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

  27. I’ve done this with a home grow that I used all the leaved and stems for after the bud was gone (note to law enforcment, this was done a long time ago, entirely in international waters).

    You don’t need to use the water + butter method, in my opinion it is an extra step to have to let the butter cool and harden, floating on top of the water, then separate the water and butter. Just grind everything real fine, use a double boiler and add the stuff right to the butter and cook it gently for 45 minutes.

    I also don’t understand straining out anything but stems. Just grind up everything fine, and leave it it.

    I must say, these highs last for hours and hours! If you’ve ever been really bowled over by some edibles, you can begin to understand that cop who did some and then called 911 saying “Time is going really slowly” and ” I think we’re already dead”, but then again, he must have been a major lightweight.

  28. Truly let’s pass this winter in enjoyable way by gulping pot truffles.Actually truffles are a nice way to take your medicine!.
    But being a bit calorie cautious as there are 200 calories in 1 serving of Hershey’s Pot of Gold Truffles, Nut Clusters and Caramels Premium Collection.So watch out when having them.

    ——-
    ashle
    gluten free chocolate

  29. I try to make several flavored batches at a time and “match” the stuff I roll them in with the type of flavored liqueur. For example, with the Gran Marnie r I use the chocolate decorations with almonds, and Kahlua, powdered cocoa sweetened with powdered sugar. I am sure there are a zillion combination’s.
    ____
    ashle

    gluten free chocolate

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