Though the following article flies in the face of what’s normally known as “Entertaining at Home” we have included the following primer for those readers who are far too drunk, stoned, or slothful to do it right. Plus, anything we can do to annoy Martha Stewart is a bonus.—Eds
So, all those freeloaders you call friends are coming over. And they’re gonna tell everyone they know, too. Looks like you’ve got a party on your hands. But you’re broke! And lazy. So, so lazy. Lucky for you, we’ve got just the answers so you can throw a kick-ass party without having to look under the couch cushions for loose change. In fact, you won’t need to do a single thing!
REFRESHMENTS This part is easy. You don’t need to break the bank in order to get people loaded at your party. In fact, you don’t need to do a darn thing at all, thanks to four glorious letters: B.Y.O.B. This wonderful custom was invented to relieve the host of the burdensome duty of deciding who wants to drink what; some people drink beer, some drink diet beer, some insist on drinking hoity-toity wine and act all offended when you offer it to them out of a box. So be sure to tell all your guests, “Bring Your Own, Bitch!” The rest will take care of itself.
FOOD You have two options on the food front, both equally easy. Option one is to tell your guests that you’re having a can drive. Say your party is a benefit for some needy charity—for celiac panda orphans in Wasilla, Alaska, or some such nonsense. Then, sit back and watch as guests roll in with canned goods: beef stew, creamed corn, Chef Boyardee ravioli, etc. However, canned food usually requires at least a little preparation before it can be eaten, so truly the path of least resistance is… Option two: the “Potluck.” Your guests will prepare delicious food ahead of time and deliver it straight to your door! It will be piping hot and ready to eat—no annoying can openers necessary. And you can insist that your guests do their own dishes!
BREAKING THE ICE According to some people, the idea of a party is not to get blackout drunk, but rather to socialize and mingle with people. Of course, no one says you can’t get blackout drunk while socializing and mingling. But you’ll want to have some method for strangers to get to know each other. Here are a couple helpful hints for your guests to break the ice with one another. · Tell 10 of the people that the party is fancy dress. Tell another 10 that it’s a costume party. And tell yet another 10 that it is an erotic swinger’s ball. Of course, everyone else will show up in casual wear, and you will be wearing a nacho-stained t-shirt and a pair of sweats that has the crotch worn through. As each of the 30 ludicrously dressed people make their way into the room, all your other guests will laugh themselves silly at their expense. Hilarity—and friendship—ensues. Subsequently, the dummies in fancy dress will naturally gravitate towards one another, while the costumed freaks will form their own little inner party clique, and the erotic swingers will instantly begin to have sex with each other. It will be just like high school. · At various intervals during the evening, cry profusely. Don’t explain why. At a certain point, scream, “I hate you, I hate you all!,” then run into the bedroom and loudly slam the door. The resultant awkwardness will have partygoers mumbling with each other in no time. · Nudity. ‘Nuff said.
ENTERTAINMENT Of course, it isn’t enough to have people chatting with each other all goddamn night. No one wants that. You’ll need to have a form of entertainment to keep your ungrateful guests occupied. But you don’t need to hire a clown or a pony to keep everyone happy. (If you can get a clown-pony, though, by all means, do it. Trust me, you won’t be sorry.) Here are some handy tips for keeping your guests entertained. · You have a TV? Switch the damn thing on—instant entertainment! · You probably own some sort of music, whether it be the mix CD your girlfriend burned but you never listened to, or the iPod you swiped from your ex-roommate. Blast that shit and create an instant dance party. If you don’t have a stereo system, it’s fine to wear headphones. As long as you can hear the music, you’ll be having fun. And that’s all that matters. · Games, apparently, are fun. But you probably don’t own any fancy pants board games, so here’s where you need to be creative. A few quick ideas: shouting contest; farting contest; long-distance peeing contest; long-distance vomiting contest; who-can-vomit-the-most contest; or, get one person to drink 24 beers and another person to drink 24 cups of coffee and see what happens—it’s bound to be interesting. (This might seem surprising, but we’d put our money on the 24 beers! Just a tip.) · Again, nudity.
With a little ingenuity and creativity—forget the elbow grease—it’ll be the party your friends will never forget. In fact, once the party kicks into gear, you will likely be lauded as a savior among your friends. They will hoist you above their heads and carry you into the bedroom where they will instantly commence having group sex with you, which, after all, is the entire reason you decided to throw a party in the first place. We’re glad you could make the most of these helpful tips, so from the entire Portland Mercury: You’re welcome, and where do you live?