Marlowe Dobbe

As you watch the sexual harassment and assault revelations pile up, it’s difficult to parse out whom to be angry at. There appear to be indiscretions on both sides of the political aisle and the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been. So how can we figure out who to support and who to renounce?

Of course they’re all terrible, but let’s be honest—some are more terribler than others.

To help us figure this out, here’s a hypothetical scene featuring a male Republican lawmaker in the Senate with a female colleague in his office.

Female Colleague: Senator, we have to come to some sort of agreement on this CHIPS renewal. If we don’t do something, nine million children will lose their healthcare.

Republican lawmaker: Don’t you worry your pretty little head about that. *rubs her thigh and leans in to whisper* Kids are awful and dirty and I’ve banned them from my private jet. Let’s ditch this legislative nonsense and go to Vegas. *bites her earlobe*

Appalling, right? Horrible, even. Now let’s take a look at the other side of the aisle.

Female Colleague: Senator, the 20-week abortion ban that cleared the House is a serious threat to women’s reproductive rights. We have to make sure it doesn’t pass the Senate.

Democratic lawmaker: You’re absolutely right. *grabs her ass, leaving his hand there as he talks* It’s important to me to protect your rights. *grazes her left breast with his hand* Because they’re important?

I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious which side is better to be harassed by: the one that has your legislative needs in mind while they’re inappropriately touching you.

There’s nothing like an ass grab or unwelcome shoulder rub from a man who promises to protect your right to choose. Sure, he’s not offering you a choice as to whether or not to get a shoulder rub, but that’s not important in the grand scheme of things. Ever heard of “the greater good?” If you haven’t, try to find a man to explain it to you.

“What about maybe if grown men didn’t inappropriately grab women or force them to choose between an unwanted sexual relationship or their job?,” you might ask.

That is an impossibility. Because if the past couple months have taught us anything, it’s that men are wolves who, when put in positions of power, utilize that power to degrade and demean women, often changing the entire trajectory of women’s professional and personal lives in the process.

But it’s no big deal, because women are too emotional to hold positions of power in any case. Right?

So we have two choices here: We can pick our poison in a country that’s become one giant dumpster fire, OR we can start a GoFundMe to buy our own Themyscira and all go to boot camp to become Amazons.

As long as Postmates delivers to private islands, I’d be good.