Marlowe Dobbe

Dear Stormy,

First of all, I want to start by saying I really admire your work. I watched Two Girls for Every Girl 2 without ever seeing the original, and you brought me into the story so effortlessly. I enjoyed Good Will Humping as well, but Two Girls is really your Citizen Kane.

I know there’s a lot of talk out there about whether or not you slept with my husband in 2006 and then took $130,000 in hush money from his attorney Michael Cohen just a month before the 2016 election. 

Here’s the thing, Stormy (I feel like I know you personally after watching Witches of Breastwick as many times as I have!) — a lot of women who are married to gross and disgusting men are grateful to porn stars for making movies that distract our husbands. Maybe if they watch enough of you doing stuff to other men (and women! What what!), they won’t need for us to do anything with their penises. But you, Stormy, went the extra mile, and for that, I applaud and support you.

I support you because... well, I don’t know how well you know Donald, but he’s definitely the worst. Have you seen that weird thing he does with his mouth when he talks? He looks like a suckerfish I had back in Slovenia when I was 12. Maybe that’s what initially attracted me to him, I don’t know. It’s definitely a mystery now. Because there’s something you may not have known back in 2006 (a year after we were married! Ouch! JK!)—he is SUPER racist. Like, if there were a superhero called Racist Man, it would be him and his origin story would be that he was just a big dumb racist but then a bunch of really dumb people elected him president and he got superpowers. I mean, normally I’m okay with a little racism (obvi!), and I didn’t mind reading Mein Kampf to him out loud while he masturbated because I didn’t have to touch him, but still. This has gotten a little out of hand to the point where I feel like it might even be detrimental to the country. But even so, you (allegedly) slept with him for 10 months! You, dear woman, are a trooper.

I would like to thank you for your service, and in order to do that properly I would like to invite you to the White House. You can take a tour and I promise not to ask you to sleep with my husband again unless you totally want to. And if you know of any other women who would be willing to sleep with my husband (do you know Karen McDougal? She seems nice!), please give them my contact information and I will invite them, too. If I can actually make him forget that I have a vagina, that would be ideal.

Thank you for your consideration,

First Lady Melania Trump