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I like bacon as much as the next guy. I get it: it's a bit ironic, it's fatty, it's comforting, it's delicious. But for the love of God, people, enough is fucking enough!

If I never see another bacon-laden appetizer, I wont be sad. If I never hear the word bacon in conjunction with dessert, I wont weep. I mean, c'mon, bacon jumped the shark when it was infused in bourbon. And I LIKE bourbon AND bacon... But can we please just stop now?

Oh, I guess not:

To pay homage to their favorite pork product and win golden piggy trophies, 32 competitors showed up with tin-foiled pans of their beloved "meat candy" dishes, ready to impress, boast and barter.

Entries included "Bac-lava" (buttery baklava layered with dates and bacon), "B'oars" (s'mores topped with bacon), and "Twice-the-Vice" brownies with double the original recipe's bourbon and bacon. Also for the nibbling were bacon sushi, bacon chipotle dip, bacon pancake sandwiches and bacon-stuffed glazed doughnuts oozing with mascarpone cheese.

Yaaaaaargh!!! Where was this happening? Why, right downtown in Davis Street Tavern at the Masterbacon (gag) cook-off!

Hey, Portland? We're creative folks. Lets start a new trend! Lets come up with a new ingredient and run it into the ground with our whimsy and cleverness. I'm open for suggestions. How bout a vegetable this time? How about rutabagas? Huh? Rutabagas are ironic! It's even fun to say... C'mon, try it... Rutabaga... See? No?

"I'd like to think of ourselves more like bacon prophets than bacon evangelists," Kveton, 35, says of himself and his business partner, Jason Glaspey, who together launched their all-things-bacon Web site, bacn.com, that very morning.

The pair isn't the only certifiable bacon fanatics. A guy sitting at the bar wears a cape with a homemade bacon patch. One competitor cures his own bacon. Another man, in a black muscle shirt, hasn't entered the cookoff but is sizing up the competition for next year. He's got a strip of bacon tattooed around his bicep.

Do you see what's happening here? It's madness. Simple madness. But I know we can pull it together, Portland. I know we're better than this. Now get in there and make me some rutabaga wrapped dates or something. Anything... Just stop with the bacon already.