A week or two ago the Mercury received an email from a reader. So that's fine, I guess... so far. But then: the email's bullshit subject line? "Otters are vicious." And then there was a link to this:
Fangs pierced Leah Prudhomme's legs as she swam across the deep, dark rum-colored northern Minnesota lake. It could be anything, she thought—muskrats, beavers, maybe a muskie. But it didn't let up.
In the middle of Island Lake near Duluth, the triathlete struggled as the animal sunk its needle-sharp teeth into her legs, feet and back, leaving 25 bite marks, some 2 inches deep.
"It just kept coming after me," said Prudhomme, 33, of Anoka. "You never knew where it was going to bite next."
In between peppering her with puncture marks, the animal's head popped up a few feet away. That's when Prudhomme noticed its distinctive long tapered tail, small beady eyes and gray head. An otter. (Via.)
I bet right now you're thinking what Alex Zielinski and I thought when we read that dispicable piece of yellow journalism: "What the fuck is a muskie?"
The muskellunge (Esox masquinongy), also known as muskelunge, muscallonge, milliganong, or maskinonge (and often abbreviated "muskie" or "musky"), is a species of large, relatively uncommon freshwater fish of North America. The muskellunge is the largest member of the pike family, Esocidae. The common name comes from the Ojibwa word maashkinoozhe, meaning "ugly pike." (Via.)
AND NOW you're probably thinking what Alex and I thought next: OBVIOUSLY it was not really an otter that attacked the unfortunate, and sadly mistaken, Leah Prudhomme. Otters are the adorable sweethearts of the oceans and/or rivers. With this in mind, Alex and I decided the best way to counter such filthy, deplorable libel would be to let the otters speak for themselves.
THE DEFENSE RESTS! NO MORE QUESTIONS, YOUR HONOR! PERMISSION TO TREAT THIS WITNESS AS HOSTILE! YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!
See you next Otter Friday!