
Okay, so:
Paramount Pictures has firmed up the title Star Trek Into Darkness for the J.J. Abrams sequel that brings back Chris Pine and the rest of his Trek cast. The Paramount/Skydance film will be released May 17, 2013. (Via.)
Paramount reportedly wanted to avoid having either a number or a colon in the title, so I guess turning the “trek” in Star Trek from a noun into a verb is… yes. It is certainly something one could do. (Note thatโbecause Hollywood is terrible and this is how they thinkโthe whole “into darkness” part is probably because of the success of The Dark Knight and the The Dark Knight Rises, which, as we all know, were successful because their titles contained the word “dark.” As was Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and as will be next year’s Thor: The Dark World. ANYWAY.) Space is dark, because it is space, so I guess this title will be factually true, if not tonally true? It’d be weird if this Star Trek was all mopey, seeing as how what made Abrams’ first Trek so solid was how much fun it was.
ANYWAY AGAIN: The fact that the title now sounds like an instruction leaves me with a dilemma: When I’m at hip bars chatting with beautiful ladies, how do I say Star Trek Into Darkness? Like a sentence? Do I put a colon in there even though Paramount doesn’t want me to? Please help me in the poll below, as the last thing I want to doโespecially at a hip bar, especially in front of a beautiful ladyโis to say Star Trek Into Darkness in a way that might make me sound uncool.
BONUS! A CONTEST! Whoever comes up with the best title for Star Trek 3 in the comments will win an ever-so-gently used hardcover edition of the acclaimed novel Star Trek: The Next Generation: Q-Squared! (Yes. This is the second time I have tried to give it away.) The only rule in this contest is that the first two words of the title must be “Star Trek,” you have to use “trek” as a verb, and there can be NO COLONS and NO NUMBERS. Four hundred and thirty-four pages of Q-Squared goodness await the winner! To help inspire you, here is this image from Q-Squared‘s jacket.

Star Trek Tre Means Three Doesn’t It?
I feel like adding a question mark in the title will get people going like, “I’m hoping the movie reveals the answer. Well, there’s only one way to find out!”
When at hip bars chatting up the beautiful ladies, it’s best not to mention Star Trek at all. I used to do the same thing (sub Star Trek with Dawn of the Dead) and was mystified how none of them gave a shit.
INCANDESCENT GAS-BALL IN SPACE TERTIARY CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE OF NARRATIVE
Sponsored film titles – WAVE OF THE FUTURE:
Star Trek Bicycles are Solid Performers for the Whole Family
Star Trek Into You. The Enterprise gets taken hostage by Dave Matthews Band and everybody goes insane.
Star Trek Into the Woods. Bernadette Peters co-stars as an evil witch that locks Uhura in a tower.
Star Trek Your Face/Off
Star Quebec. Basically the same but with Canadian accents.
Tony Stark Trek. Marvel crossover.
Welp, Now We Gotta Star Trek Our Way Out Of This Darkness
C&B: It looks like Todd has hacked into your Blogtown account.
Star Trebeck. With Alex at helm we all get smarter
I bought you that book for your birthday, Erik.
๐
Star Trek On Through to the Other Side
An away team finds themselves on a planet inhabited by the god Bacchus, who turns out to be Jim Morrison after a cellular upgrade by alien abductors. Morrison turns out to be one of Kirk’s boyhood heroes, which makes the eventual battle for control of the Enterprise rather painful for the captain. (And who knew Spock plays drums?)
Star Trek With A Vengance
Fatboy Roberts: YOU WIN THE CONTEST! Enjoy your copy of Peter David’s acclaimed novel Star Trek: The Next Generation: Q-Squared! I’ll get it to you tomorrow so you can start reading it as soon as possible.
Everyone else: Please continue, as your suggestions please me. I’ll find some other prize to give another winner. OH HERE IT IS! Star Trek: The Next Generation #11: Gulliver’s Fugitives, the new novel by Keith Sharee. http://www.portlandmercury.com/images/blog…
Carry on.
Star Trekkin’
Nerds everywhere piss themselves after they find out that Kirk’s uniform in “Star Trek and Robin” will have nipples.
Sorry, those last two were uninspired. For real, though, you know it’ll be something awful like:
STAR TR3K
Star Trek Her? Damn Near Killed Her!
Star Trek Convention
When sinister alien forces threaten Spock, the Enterprise travels to 21st century Earth to hide the Vulcan at a TrekkerCon. The most meta-motherfucking Star Trek movie ever ensues.
Aww, fuck. That wasn’t a verb. Oh, well. No book for me, I just thought that’d be a great idea for a Star Trek movie.
Star Trek and the Angry Inch
Star Trek From Budapest To Where No Lutheran Has Gone Before With Rick Steves
Star Trek Into the Cellular Peptide Stew That Various Humanoid and Non-Humanoid Species Know As the Vagina of Albert’s Mother
Start Rekin’ After Dark
Star Trekking Across America With Rick Steves
Star Trek 2 part 4: The One With The Whales!
Star Trek to the Grocery Store for Soda and Generic Potato Chips Only to Find Out I Left My Debit Card (and Totally Not My Food Stamps; Who Do You Take Me For) at Home, Which is Where I Guess I’m Going Back to Now, and Except I’m Not Even Sure I Want that Snack Food Bad Enough to Get Up the Will to Leave My Trash-Strewed House Again Sigh
Star Trek Me Long Time, The Darkening… Boogaloo