In coordination with the shutdown of the federal government, Conan O’Brien travels around his office letting go all “non-essential” employees—and his entire workforce agrees that longtime foil Jordan Schlansky is the MOST non-essential of all! (Seriously, he makes Mercury employees look like Elizabeth Warren!) Watch poor Conan go head-to-head with the Brita-guzzling, frequently urinating, most infuriating employee ever... because it is HEEE-LARIOUS!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)