- Image by Erika Moen
A few friends have seen my stand-up comedy joke sets, and commented, âdang Bri! Now that weâve seen your jokes, we KNOW you give head!â
OF COURSE I give head, Iâm looking for a PARTNER.
Blame changing social norms, blame pornographyâpoint is, the dating game has CHANGED. Blowjobs are part of the dating milieu. Who knows what will be on the table 100 years from now? Anal? Rim jobs? Maybe at the end of the first date a shy couple will stand on a front porch and instead of a cheek kiss, theyâll bang through a hole in a furry costume! I donât know much about the future, but I do know a thing or two about sucking a dick.
So strap in, itâs going down!
You can read more Let's Do It with Bri Pruett stories like "How to Suck a DickâPart 2," "How to Get Your Dick Sucked," "How to Pick a Sex Playlist," and more here!
HOW TO SUCK A DICK
1. You gotta really want to suck that dick
A half-assed blowjob isnât good for ANYONE. Sometimes âlikingâ a dude is NOT ENOUGH. Sometimes you gotta have your own romance with that dick. Is the dick approachable? Attractive? Do it smell good? Is it intimidating? Ask yourself: Do I want to get involved with that dick?
Check it out before you commit to anything. If itâs your first time with this dude, feel him up a bit first, over the clothes while youâre making out. Examine it up close if you need to. Remember, just because you pulled it out doesnât mean you HAVE to suck that thing.
I can already feel your protests filling my inbox like it's a warm mouth: DONâT TEACH FOLKS TO BE COCK TEASES, BRI! I know, I know, youâre worried about the much-discussed blue balls. But Iâm thinking of the âgreater blowjob good.â People didnât start appreciating wine until they started putting some in their mouths and spitting it out again.
And why are you so worried about blue balls? There are plenty of sex acts that donât end in a big jizzy orgasm, so cool your jets and enjoy all that life has to offer! Porn and NASA rocket launches have taught you to always be working toward one ENORMOUS THROBBING CUM FACIAL, and you just gotta let that go. When you do, itâll lead to some deeply satisfying sexâand you wonât always be racing to the finish line.
No one should be giving blowjobs because they feel like theyâre obligated to⊠Maybe itâs the 3rd date, or maybe youâre married and this is the only dick in your world right now. There are a lot of other good reasons to suck a dick! Because you want to, because it turns you on, because you like being in control, because you like the noises he makes, because you like being responsible for those noises, because you like the way it feels in your mouth, because you like the way he looks at you while you do it⊠When you are in the mood, itâll be a better blowjob.
2. First Contact
Youâve made up your mind. This dude is getting brain, YOUR brain, all over the tip of his dick (it isnât such a cute expression on the other side of the verse is it KANYE?). So now youâve got to get your mouth all on it.
Is he un-circumsized? Pull back the skin down and taut, very important. Most of the nerves in the penis are at the tip, and under side (aka the dark side).
PRO TIP: Maybe youâre nervous, or you been smoking potâeither way, that dry mouth is NOT gonna work. Keep a glass of water on your night stand or an emergency bottle of water in your sex kit. You donât have a sex kit? Why not, what happened to it? Ugh, do you even WANT to get better at this?
Thereâs a rhythm to sucking dick, and it starts slowly. Pace yourself. Donât slam it down your throat right away (if ever). I like to mark my territory first, gently make my presence known with a warm tongue on the underside of the dong in question. When everything is wet, itâs more sensitive.
With all sexy business, anticipation is a tenuous thread. Wait too long, and the anticipation fades to impatience. The boy you are working on will tell you with noises (and maybe words) when to move on to more rhythmic contact.
2a. Position
OH I FORGOT! How are you even put together? On your knees, while heâs sitting or standing? Are you both lying on your side? OR is he lying on his back, while you get into what the yogiâs would call âmodified childâs pose.â (gross⊠awful⊠terrible)
In any case, being higher than him, and having the greatest range of motion is going to give you more torque. Meaning that you shouldnât be reaching to suck his dick, like a baby giraffe stretching his tongue to eat from the cock tree on the dusty savannah.
Be comfortable. If your knees give you trouble, donât do it that way. If your hips give you trouble, itâs gonna be tricky to have your ass up in the air. OH speaking of asses! If heâs in love with yours, make sure he has access to it, if youâre into that kind of thing. Or maybe he worships your tits. You know this dude (or maybe you donât, no judgements!) there are lots of little things to make this a memorable blow job. Roll out the red carpet! Life is short!
Authorâs Note: Iâd be remiss if I did not mention the cheapest dinner-for-two in town, â69.â So named for the percentage of the time it fails to get its participants off. Still, the supporters of 69-ing are numerous and may they have simultaneous oral experiences for all their days! I personally cannot concentrate on giving a blow job while sitting on someoneâs face. If you take pride in a blowjob, if you are wanting to give your requiem performance, skip the 69.
On that note, the rest of the messy details to followâtune in next time and Iâll tell you how to DISMOUNT AND FINISH THE JOB!
Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs,
@BriPruett