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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Secrets are Never Secret for Long

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Aug 19, 2012 at 12:31 AM

Ohh girl. You and your boytoy think you are so slick. Just so you know, I know you are married. And I know it's not to boytoy. So please to be explaining why his hand was under your skirt when the lights went out. I had a suspicion that something was going on, something more than friends. My suspicion was certainly confirmed last week. Your poor husband! Does he know? I'm guessing not. I'm sure you thought no one in the room knew you were married or just assumed you were with boytoy. I did, until I did a little digging around. I thought you were pretty cool until I found out this little tidbit. For shame.

Never assume your secrets are safe. They definitely are not. And now I have all the information in my hands to rat you out. Will I? I don't know yet. I have nothing to gain and it seems douchebaggy but then again, I'm not the one cheating and your poor husband deserves the truth. What to do, what to do?

Saturday, August 18, 2012

To the Girl in the Front Row at Buddy Guy

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Aug 18, 2012 at 5:37 PM

The Buddy Guy show was amazing at the zoo last night. I was a few feet away from a legend in his element ripping solos and telling stories like all great bluesmen do. People were dancing, laughing and smiling-having a great time. Then you came along and put your lipstick smudge on our front row view with your garbage brain, diarrhea, stupid mouth, shit. During one of his stories you interrupted him and yelled, "give me a pick." You interrupted 76 year old Buddy Guy and TOLD him to give you a guitar pick. You are a dumb rat twit bitch with a stupid hat. Buddy Guy is one of the greatest guitar players of all time. Jimi Hendrix was influenced by Buddy Guy, Buddy Guy played and learned from Son House. One of the originators of the blues. He's played with all the greats and has a direct vein to the beginning of blues music. He's a magic man. He was in the middle of telling a story, dropping some serious knowledge on us all. You need to know, you ruined that for everyone with your dim witted, crap tongue, dumb fuck request. You materialistic shitty bitch. He quipped back at you too, dropping the F bomb to express his annoyance with you. You're the equalizer bitch. Everyone was loving it out there and for a moment you were able to equal the mood out for us all and remind us there are still fucktards out there. I hope you got your pick though. x

Don’t Mind Us, WE’RE TRAINING!

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Aug 18, 2012 at 11:13 AM

We’re training. YES! We love training. Every Saturday morning we train so fucking hard. We’re unclogging our arteries by clogging the esplanade. Yeah we hear the polite, persistent ding of your bicycle bell, but we can’t be bothered, we have fucking water bottles strapped to our hands! Besides we move quick; I mean we’re all running! Ok, maybe not running, or even jogging, but it’s definitely not walking. Our heavy plodding, and sweating will someday take us 26 miles! We’re training!

Oh, wow. That was awesome training. I think I’ll quicken my pace so that I can get to the cafÉ before everyone else. Oops, I dripped on the floor. “Excuse me, sir, I just dripped on your floor, you might want to mop that up, there are 30 more wet florescent people coming right behind me”

“I’ll have two chocolate croissants and a large mocha, it’s ok I’m training for a marathon. Oh, don’t mind those blood spots on my shirt, those are just my nipples. WE’RE TRAINING!!!”

Oh my god, its hawt in here. I gotta lose a layer. “Hey guys in case you want don’t want to walk around in your sweat blanket you can hang it up here, with these nice, dry jackets. I’m sure these non-training people in here won’t mind a little sweat on their garments.”

Uh-oh my armpits smell like hot garbage. I’d better go blend in with my loud, salty brethren. I feel sorry for all these people in here wasting their lives typing on their computers with annoyed looks on their faces.

Please Use Your Left Arm

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Aug 18, 2012 at 9:39 AM

I love you cyclists. I am one of you. This summer I have used my bike as my sole means of transportation and it been great. But, cyclists, you sure do a lot of stupid things. None of them more galling than pointing with your right arm to signal a right turn. The legally correct signal, and the one that makes goddamn sense, is to hold your left arm at a 45 degree angle. There's a good reason for this. Cars can see it. When you use your right arm your own body shields the signal.

Cycling inherently looks silly. Cycling cannot be dignified. So just go ahead and give into it. It might just save your life.

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You've GOT to be Kidding Me...

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Aug 18, 2012 at 1:13 AM

TO THE STUPID, RUNTY LITTLE MALE BITCH CONSPICUOUSLY EYEING MY STUFF AT JUST AFTER 11:00 PM MON 8/13 @ "COFFEE TIME": Tough shit, you suck at what you do, and what you do is pickpocketing/attempted thievery, so you deserve to be tossed into the indifference of The System (i.e., "Criminal Justice"), rather than enjoying the privileges of cavorting free amongst all the "nice" people, on the Other Side of the Aisle than the humorless Republicans/Monotonists/Christian-Military Types. You couldn't have given yourself away any MORE — as it was, I had to double-check myself for over-sensitive "feelers" ("No, no ... he's not going to try to rip you off," I [initially] told myself) — but digging and digging and DIGGING in your pockets (find SOMETHING, yet?) and then LOOKING RIGHT BACK AT ME when, astonished, I found you were so empty-headed as to return my "Are you STILL just STANDING there?" glance in your direction ... I mean, what: were your expecting I'd give you PERMISSION to rip me off? VERDICT: You're worthless. Try Vegas. (You can sell your ASS there — it's LEGAL!)

Friday, August 17, 2012

You're the Adult Here

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Aug 17, 2012 at 3:16 PM

I run a dinky little ride. Yes, it’s overpriced, yes, it’s frivolous and unnecessary. I totally understand that you don’t want to blow your hard-earned money on something your kid will probably forget about in ten minutes and might not even enjoy all that much. I also get that some just can’t afford it. That makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is the ridiculous lengths you go to in order to avoid just telling your kid NO. “You’re not big enough,” (they are), or “You’ll get motion sick,” (nobody ever has), or “It’s too scary!” (please). What are you, afraid of your six-year-old? Sometimes, just for fun, I like to chime in and point out that everything you’re telling your kid is not true. Usually that’s when you mouth the words “I know” or put a “hush-hush” finger up to your lips, followed by an eye-roll and a smile, like I’m in on your little joke. Seriously? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! It’s not a joke to bring another human being into the world. It’s not a joke to treat them with disrespect simply because they’re too young to call you out. Having a trusted authority figure lie to them in such a casual and consistent manner will probably manifest itself really nicely once your little angel hits puberty. You deserve every single grey hair they’re gonna give you, asshole, ten times over. I hope their teenage years are hell for you, but mostly I hope they don’t turn out to be half as thoughtless and lazy as their parents. Grow up.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

No Parking = First World Problems

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Aug 16, 2012 at 7:29 PM

Hey Richmond Neighborhood,

Fuck you! Are you seriously trying to raise money for "legal and communications support" so you can whine about a building being built that will not include any spots to park cars? You fucking live on Division Street, you are living near a commercial zoned area of Portland. If an apartment does not provide parking then most likely that person will not live there. Why are you asking for money from people so you can be whiny assholes while families are starving in Portland? Do you know what $5,500 can do for hungry families in this city? If you are so worried about parking in front of your house, I hear the suburbs don't have that problem.

Don't think the Richmond assholes are the only ones who I want to call out. The same goes for the shitheads living off of Burnside who don't want an apartment with no parking to go in. What the fuck? Last time I checked, Burnside was filled with traffic. How is an apartment going to add to the congestion?

Fuck you, you NIMBY assholes!

I wish this problem of not being able to park in front of my house was my main concern; instead I have to worry if my shit will get stolen or if people in my neighborhood are going to be killed (including me).

Now That's Evolution for You Stinky!

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Aug 16, 2012 at 11:54 AM

It's true, Humans are one of the only creatures in the entire animal kingdom that will purposefully not bathe. Songbirds in the dust, Cows in dew covered grass, and even the damn plague carrying rats will go out of their way to maintain a level of cleanliness above you Stinky McGee. Not bathing is NOT natural. You and your foul smelling friends are an abomination! Begone with thee!

ANGER ISSUE!

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Aug 16, 2012 at 10:49 AM

I suspect that the recent disappearance of a particularly angry New Columnist is due to some douche canoe at Marvel whining about trademark infringement. Mercury, who silenced a scribe willing to share his heartfelt & innermost feelings? Was it a puny human Marvel lawyer? It was my favorite column. Perhaps this fine wordsmith could write under an alias. I have some suggestions:

Halk - he’s purple & not so much angry, just very furious
Bulk – he’s blue & clinically depressed but still very angry
Mort – he’s green & angry but his name is Mort so STFU Marvel.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Don't worry, Hulk shall return! (Though we do love "Mort.")]

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Customer's Always Right, Right?

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Aug 16, 2012 at 8:41 AM

I used to get coffee at my work's lobby cafe every day - but the people are rude and they charge $4.75 for a 12oz mocha. Absolute bullshit. I decided to try out the AM/PM by my bus stop. I LOVED IT! Coffee's like $2 and the guy behind the counter always sings to me in Spanish.
Well, I've noticed in the past 2-3wks that AM/PM isn't as awesome as I once thought; my debit card has been denied a few times (when I have money in my account) and they make me use the ATM in the store. I get charged $4 to take out $20. I finally called their bullshit. I refused to use their ATM and opted to cross the street and get cash back at Safeway at no charge. Also, when I go to pour my coffee drink and it's watered down or the machine that gives me different "flavors" is on the fritz, I let the guy behind the counter know but he tries to charge me for the cup... where the hell can a girl go for a cup of coffee (and fuck you, I will not make it at home because I'm not that capable), that won't charge me $4 for a small mocha?

Men Age Like Wine Women Age Like Milk

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Aug 16, 2012 at 1:55 AM

Just saying

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This person is a dumb (and not very creative) troll just trying to get a reaction out of you, so let's just ignore dumbasses like this, what do you say? I'll close comments.]

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Portland, Take a Shower, Please.

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Aug 15, 2012 at 2:11 PM

Please Portlanders, take a shower. I work with the public and I have to say a large number of you need to clean up. You just plain stink. I'm not talking about the people who rode their bikes to where ever and are sweaty, or who have been working out, or have been working all day, but those of you who just haven't bothered to shower for days. You look nice, your clothes appear clean, but your hair and bodies reek. It's embarrassing to let someone into a dressing room after you've been in there CAUSE IT STINKS! A shower takes very little time in the morning. Get some hot water, some soap, and fucking clean yourself up! There's nothing hip, cool, or trendy about assaulting others olfactory senses with your lack of hygiene. To those of you who do take the time to bathe, thank you. It is appreciated.

Selena says BEEP BEEP BEEP

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Aug 15, 2012 at 9:25 AM

But you shouldn't.

Horns are for alerting someone to something wrong. Something very wrong. Like the guy who posted here about his brakes going out.

They are not for:
Getting mad at a pedestrian crossing the road.
Because someone took an extra 5 seconds to go through a light.
Because someone did something you didn't like.
To say hi to your friends.
Because you're otherwise impatient.

CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Love You

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Aug 14, 2012 at 5:02 PM

Why won't my posts show up? I comment on I, Anon and other things here and my posts never show. Am I not good enough for you? Did I fail some test? Do I have to wait for DamosA to approve of me? Or to threaten me?

Why won't you let me post? I have been lurking here for months and have posted good bad and crazy ass stuff and nothing works. I could try and post more literate prose, I could try to post funnier posts. I will do what ever you want me to just please let me participate in your wonderful silly funny online forum for mal-contents and lazy ass hipsters.

Am I too old for the likes of you? Am I too Portland? I am from here, is that the problem? I moved away for a spell but now I am back I lived in Hawaii for 17 years is that why you won't let me in?

Oh please please let me in!

Do you not like my login name? I will change it! Do you not like my snarkiness? Am I not snarky enough? Is it because I won't drink beer? I'm an alcoholic and it isn't good for anyone if I start drinking again...

Please let me in!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: We have absolutely no idea what you're talking about... which is pretty much par for the course for everyone who submits to the I, Anonymous Blog. Soooo... be happy, I guess?]

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Food Not Blondes

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Aug 14, 2012 at 2:37 PM

Fuck you USbank you useless bloodsucking cocksuckers. After banking with USBank for twenty years, after building a million dollar business without you help, not once did you see fit to trust me with a fucking loan. Fuck you Chase for encouraging me to open an account for my new business with you with the promise that I may not get all I asked for but I will get something. Then you took three weeks to let me know I will get nothing because I am bad. And all you young cheery fuckers who work there, i am glad you have a job, you may not be bad people, but you are the smiling happy face for fuckers.
The only solace I have is that I have been scrapping and surviving my whole life. So when the shit hits the fan as it appears it will in my life time. I am ready to begin feasting on the soft pink flesh of you slow useless fuckers. The more that I think about it the less patient I am to wait for the shot to hit the fan. I am hungry. Eat the rich mutha fuckaaaaaaaa's. And eat their children first.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Camping at the Dump

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Aug 13, 2012 at 8:39 PM

Went up to one of my favorite camping spots that's within a 2 hour drive of the metro area this weekend. A very lovely place that in years past has been remote enough to keep out most dirtbags.
Well, it's now been discovered by the masses. Multiple piles of TP and shit just off the trail to the river. Dirty disposable diapers on the rivers edge. Cig butts everywhere. Broken beer bottles and PBR cans there too. You fuckwads can't manage to carry that stuff back to the trash cans provided, or use the toilets at the site? Or hell, at least walk 20 feet off the trail to squeeze off a loaf?
Could you also teach little Johnny that hacking the fuck out of a living pine tree with his hatchet is a shitty thing to do? What the fuck is wrong with you? Don't worry though, we cleaned up after you, which isn't how I wanted to spend my Saturday.

Here's a Suggestion for I, Anonymous

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Aug 13, 2012 at 5:58 PM

Instead of any ol' hack being given the opportunity to whine on here without any repercussions; instead of users having the availability to bitch back and forth on comment threads with the convenience of their computer screen to hide behind, I suggest the Portland Mercury make a weekly gathering spot for I,A where people can submit handwritten rants to be read aloud in a room full of people. That way, when someone disagrees with a particular I,A, they will actually have to think of something on the spot if they even have the balls (or...tits? Sorry feminists, I don't know what's PC) to begin with. They won't have the luxury of sitting either at their work desk like a slacking, talent-less dickhead, or at home, where they sit hee-hawing at their meticulously crafted rebuttals like the ignorant shit kickers they are.
No.
If this were in real life, 95% of you people would cower and barely make a stink. And those of you who WOULD say something would sound like pandering, elitist ass hats—-kind of in the way you do now, except less cool, less 'intimidating' and certainly not as cunning as you try to sound in your online comments.

The funny thing is, I know people are STILL going to comment on this, trying to sound funny/tear this down with all they have. Maybe I'm being facetious, but you're all still a bunch of assholes, so comment away with what you will....I'm always in the mood to be proven right.

AdiÓs, shit heads.

FM Going Broke

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Aug 13, 2012 at 3:35 PM

I miss radio. I miss being able to follow a dj or radio personality - someone connected with the city, gives me tips on shows and bullshits with callers. Someone I can connect with - radio used to be fucking rad. People who say they hate radio just don't remember school bus rides home, talking the driver into listening to your favorite afternoon radio host and cracking up, getting lost in the stories, the introduction to new music, bands - laughing at the regular callers and all the silly antics.
Or late night listening - remeber how GOOD "Love Line" was when you were 14 years old??!?! Thank God for Adam Carolla and Dr Drew.

Real World Burning Man

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Aug 13, 2012 at 1:22 PM

Are you the cast of The Real World? You have to be. You are the lamest people I've ever heard have a meeting at a coffee house. By constantly referring to your absent male friend(?) as "that little bitch" and warning your female friends to "be safe on the mean streets of Alberta" you have 100% convinced me you are the Portland cast of The Real World.
"What do you want to do about the bus?"
"Let's buy the beer at Costco, not Walmart. That place's not right."
"Just tell him that if he wants to hang out with us he has to tell us soon."
"She's really needy, emotional. She's got some things."

Now that you're talking about a Yurt, I'll enter a second hypothesis. You are either the Real World cast or you are going to Burning Man. In any event, all your voices are unforgivably shrill. Please consider curtailing your overuse of "Dude" and "Bitch" and I will attempt to do a better job at remembering headphones the next time I come here. Compromise, you little bitches.

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Sunday, August 12, 2012

Just Contributing to the Conversation

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Aug 12, 2012 at 4:08 PM

Parents: SHUT THE FUCK UP NO ONE CARES ABOUT HOW PUT UPON YOU ARE.

Non-Parents: SHUT THE FUCK UP EVERYONE KNOWS KIDS CAN BE ANNOYING.

Seriously, both of you just fucking cool it. The incessant whining about how awful parents are isn't edgy, it just makes you look like a misanthropic child free 16 year old. Maybe when you're old enough to have friends with kids you'll 1. be able to nut up and confront asshole parents. 2. Be able to get past your ego to understand the world isn't actually all about you.

(Pro tip: In the past when I've confronted asshole parents, it turns into an argument and actually distracts the kid while their caretaker goes fucking batshit about being questioned. It solves two problems.)

Parents HOLY FUCKING GOD YOUR KID IS PROBABLY ANNOYING. And equally goddamned adorable. If your kid is screaming in a restaurant, or being obnoxious, or darting into cross walks, people aren't going to like your kid. And seeing as you're the caretaker, you'll also be blamed. Suck it the fuck up. This is part of you having kids. You are not a victim of a CF society. In fact, most people have kids or approve. But some people are going to find you/your kid annoying.

Both of you stop putting so much value into what other people think and do. Here's a thing, people are assholes, be they child-free or child-full. Even children are assholes.

Or at the very least STOP POSTING HERE ABOUT IT. tyfyt

Portland Non-Parents are the Worst

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Aug 12, 2012 at 1:21 PM

Going out with my kid in Portland is like walking into a lion’s den. 20-something hipsters who have the world figured out with their over-sized, non-prescription glasses and mismatched clothes that they think looks like they picked off of the floor of goodwill look at us with such disgust. “Ew, Look. There is a woman with a smaller, not-totally-developed-yet human… so gross… and so in my face. How dare you have children.” If I discipline my child for poor behavior in public I’m being too strict, but if I let my kid be a kid in public I’m being too lenient. Portlanders think they have every right to tell me their opinions about my parenting choices, and those opinions run the gamut. Despite your well-intentioned (or not) advice, I’m going to parent my kid the way I want to, and, believe it or not, my kid is going to turn out just fine, because, let’s be honest, the majority of people turn out just fine despite parenting short-falls. I did. You did (probably). So, after not getting enough sleep last night because my kid kept me up half it, I’m going to go out to brunch. I’m going to drink Bloody Mary’s because I deserve them. I’m going to watch my kid annoy the shit out of you for an hour while laughing to myself about your facial expressions and body language. I’m going mutter to myself, “you are fucking welcome for the free brunch, douche bag” as I walk by you to leave with the kid that annoyed you for an hour that I get to love and care for 24/7.

Hey, Boy, Hey

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Aug 12, 2012 at 12:25 AM

[Editor's Note: Our moratorium on bicycle related rants has come to an end—but please remember why we enforced it in the first place. Too much of anything is BORING. If you are wondering if your point of view about something has already been expressed, read 20 or so submissions. THANK YOU!]

Hey boy. You looked real cute the other day, riding your bike down Alberta Street. I love a man who loves danger. All cyclists know that there are lines of cars zipping through this hip arts district, and we all know that Going Street, a designated bike path, is only a couple blocks south. But boy, oh boy, if you hadn't been riding down Alberta on a crowded summer day, without a helmet on to show off your super cool unwashed hair, I wouldn't have noticed you. Hell, no one would have noticed you, because who the fuck rides down Going with a helmet to protect their brain when you can look WAY hotter riding through a crowded hip arts district? Mm. I love a man with no brain. Keep on diverting traffic, baby, because you are way too cool for Going.

Make Portland Normal

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Aug 12, 2012 at 12:20 AM

Enough already! In the beginning people fought for real causes, expressed real passions and unique individuality... against an increasingly stale, ignorant, cookie cutter world. And now Portland has become exactly that. Every band, film, painting, book, photo, political view, outfit, restraurant, lifestyle, attitude, opinion, philosophy, ect... is all the fucking same AMONG EVERYONE! Is it really that interesting when every facet of everyones life is carefully constructed to constantly portray some form of uber eccentricity?Nothing more than a bucket list culture in which every single person is sooo careful not to deviate from. When you strip away the aesthetics on the surface, how is Portland any different than Miami or LA? Just another group of homogenous, superficial douchebags that only care about themselves. I don't really see a difference anymore between someone on a tall bike from someone in a Hummer, someone in a recycled vintage outfit from someone in an REI jump suit, or a blatent asshole from a self rightous passive aggressive. The people here are the same as there, the only difference is the fucking costume.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Portland Parents are the Worst

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Aug 11, 2012 at 3:14 PM

I'm so tired of this overly-patient, need-to-discuss-everything-with-your-child type of parenting I see all around Portland. Today a toddler was playing keep-away with expensive merchandise in a coffee shop, squealing and screaming the whole time. Instead of walking over and grabbing your child and reprimanding their behavior, a fellow customer had to grab them for you and hold them while you explained to them how running around with breakable merchandise made you feel. Well I got news for you, your child doesn't give a shit how you feel. What's even worse was you demanded, (to the entire store) that no one laugh or pay attention to her, because it's only reinforcing her behavior. You know what's reinforcing her terrible behavior? Demanding a room full of strangers to ignore your disruptive child. It's not going to permanently scar your child to be scolded in public and told "No", and not everything needs to be a discussion with them. Cut that shit out, and don't bitch and complain when your child puts you in a second-rate nursing home someday because they have no respect for you or anyone else. They got that way because you let them do whatever the fuck they wanted and all they had to do to get away with it was pretend they're listening when all they really want is the fucking cookies you bribe them with. The world won't care about their feelings, and so you're better off preparing them for that now. Otherwise you'll end up with a inept twenty-something who bitches about being 23 and having to work retail because their poetry degree hasn't led them to a six-figure income right out of college. Not everyone has kids, stop expecting everyone around you to tolerate and accommodate yours, and figure out that there are other people in this world who have needs besides your ungrateful, spoiled child. And just because you buy something for yourself, doesn't mean you need to buy something for you kid too, just so they don't feel bad. Life isn't fair, and I'm sorry you never got over that yourself.

Two Seasons; Road Construction and Rain

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Aug 11, 2012 at 11:06 AM

I understand that our roads require regular maintenance to keep them spiffy, however closing two major arteries out of Portland was just fucking dumb.

A trip from Mt. Tabor to NW Cornell should take, at most, 20 minutes at 11 pm. Over 2 hours later, I finally made it home. There were no road signs on 405 saying "HWY 26 SAYS FUCK YOU", and the helpful DETOUR routing everyone to I-5S which is being RESURFACED caused a 2 hour wait to get to Terwilliger.

Someone in ODOT is a troll or just a fucking moron.

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