My wife doesn't know that I watch you and my kids don't know. Nobody knows. I watch you from my window at night and I've been doing so for almost a year now. There's only one window between our two apartment buildings, and I discovered it the very first week we moved in. You are so lovely and I can't take my eyes/mind off of you. I see you watch TV with your boyfriend, I see you two eat dinner, walk around, hug and kiss. It's lovely. One time, I swear you saw me and my heart skipped a beat. I wanted you to see me, I wanted this charade to be over, for I think I'm in love with you. I know it's stupid to say, I know this. I masturbate to you sometimes and I admit that I'm ashamed of it. I can't help it though, for the love of God, I can't stop watching you. I'm becoming obsessed, I guess, but it just feels right. I don't know anything anymore... all I do know is that you are just so lovely. How can it be a crime to love a woman you've never met? Fuck, am I a sicko?

Life is hard when you don't have to lift a finger to make a buck. I am not jealous, I work hard for mine. Your mommy handed her business to you. In turn, you act like a self congratulating suburbanite, dickless, piece of shit. Oh, you have Riverfront properties for sale? Surely this means you matter. Perhaps you should spend some of those bills on a new grill. BECAUSE IT'S CREEPY! AND SO IS YOUR 1989 MACY'S SUIT! I am sorry I interrupted you from wine sipping, horse back riding and motor boating your butt ugly wife at the country club. I had a question, and your pretentious balding ass who looks like a pink rat fetus could not possibly be bothered. When you finally came around, you acted like I offended the honor of your family.

If I could have replied to you with what I really wanted to say I would have told you to SUCK MY DICK! (And I don't even have one.)

Another night of going out and being the only non-white person in the room. Listen, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm only saying that it gets tiring after awhile. And yeah, sometimes it's hard. Put yourself in my shoes: walking in a room and having it filled with nothing but dark-skinned people. Probably freak you out, right? If not freak you out, would you not notice it? Would noticing it make you a racist? How about you ladies out there: what if you walked into a room full of big, burly, white biker guys? Would you not make note of it? Sure you would. Does this mean you'd leave? Maybe not. All I'm saying is that in this bubble of liberalism, filled with skinny white people who are so "enlightened"... try to remember that you're not the bees knees. There are other folk out there, you know. And some of them folk don't have it as easy as you do. Some of them folk don't have the luxury of being viewed upon as "normal". At least the Republicans are open and vocal about their bigotry. Kidding!

Dear driver of the little white car trying to parallel park on SW Kelly ave near the tram base just before 8 am Nov 30, “I'm sorry” doesn't start to cover it but it's true, someone could have died from my inexcusable inexplicable dumbassery, I deserve whatever you thought of me and then some, plus a healthy bitch-slap, I'm usually not that driver I swear, but oh man it only takes once. I'm still in shock over being so stupid, thank you for saving the innocent bystander from it, I hope you got the stroke of epic good fortune you deserve for having that inflicted on you, that early in the day no less. I'm a bigger jerk than didn't-think-to-set-up-a-safe-word guy, oh man.... I will slow the bleep down and try to keep my brain on task, physics have no mercy, oh man that was so so so stupid I'd be annoyed at a 16 year old boy for it and I did it myself. Ugh. Ouch. Lesson learned, FWIW, so, so sorry to mess you up by inexplicably forgetting physics. Thank you so much for keeping it from being worse. part of me is going to be sitting in a corner thinking about just how stupid a thing she did there, watching it doesn't happen again. I thought she was already on duty, sorry... oh man, *so* stupid, how can I have been? Oh man, I'm sorry, thank you.

Mentioning a fact that doesn't portray Israel in the best of light is automatically "anti-semetic"? I'm not denying the Jewish Holocaust or running some Palestinian equivalent of AIPAC here, I'm just saying that you can't throw that word at anything and everything and expect people to take you seriously. It's like being called a Nazi for asking someone to not blow cigarette smoke in your toddler's face.

Grow some skin, sack up and learn how to deal with facts you might not like. You don't get to play the victim in every situation anymore.

I'm not sure. I don't even know what to do with my own life. Should I take it away from myself? I always wondered how it would feel like to slowly slip away from this world, to fall into the abyss- lost forever. I don't know how long I can keep going like this, living on when there is no point of doing so. It really is hard, and I feel horrible when I feel like killing myself over something this simple, because I know that some other people have it a lot worse than I do, but then it just makes me feel like a brat, and it just makes me feel worse. I feel like i'm slowly loosing my sanity, sinking into a pit of depression and I don't know how to save myself. I know that I have to save myself somehow, though, because nobody else will. I've had no friends in the first place. Ever. And I don't think ill have any friends to lean on for a long time. My parents wont hear anything I say, they don't care. Why would they? It's like I can feel my mental health just slipping away and I can imagine that it would feel so good just to let it all go in one swift motion, but I know that I cant do that, because my parents would be angry and I don't want them to be disappointed in me. I just want to release all of this somehow. Just please... I really want some advice, and I know that it's stupid to say something like this on here, where nobody's going to see it, or even find a way to contact me. It just feels good to let this all out where people can see it, but not identify me as... well, me.

I work as one those operators/cashier of self service check stands. The kind you use at Freddy's or Home Depot etc.. When you ask the machine for cash back and forget to take it, guess who does? That's right, me. Almost every single day, I pocket at least anywhere from $40-$1000 daily on unclaimed money. I've been doing this for over 4 years now at a store to remain nameless. It amazes me how few of you come back for that 20spot you withdrew?! I'd say 1 in 10 come back from their car looking for it, in which case I have it for them.
Mostly people call and ask about it. The calls get transferred to me and then I tell them the same thing. "No, no cash has been turned in". If they want to talk to my manager, I put them through. So far so good as my manager hasn't said anything for all this time.

Thank you shoppers....

I’m not a very social person, mainly because my communication skills are awful, nor am I physically fit, which is probably why most women and some gay men avoid me at all costs, but that’s not what I’m talking about.
Back in September, after the first day that classes began at PSU, where I take classes at, a sexy classmate {from a chemistry class I’m currently enrolled in} named “Angela” {not her real name}, saw me at a nearby restaurant where I had a bite to eat before going home. She asked me if I wanted to study with her at her apartment the next time after class and I accepted her invitation after we exchanged e-mail addresses.
A week later, we went to her apartment to study and after we finished, “Angela” gave me a hug, then we started to make out. I tried to tell her to stop because making out with someone I don't know well isn’t, in my opinion, “not right”, but I just tried to enjoy myself. A week after that, we went to her apartment again, only this time we didn’t study, we had sex.

Fast forward to now. Over the past two months, the times we hooked up have changed from making out, to very light sex, to as if “Angela” and I are re-enacting scenes from 50 Shades of Gray. Now, I’m starting to regret ever studying with her in the first place. I’ve been wanting to tell her that we should stop hooking up, but Angie’s cheerful, girl-next-door personality, has gotten to the point where I can’t stop thinking about her! I don’t connect well with people and I really want to her we should stop hooking up without hurting her feelings. This is some crazy shit I’ve gotten myself into.

So, you might have at least some good sense to have legalized marijuana in November 2012, but that doesn't even begin to make up for the simple fact that people with WA license plates drive like complete shit! Even prior to legalizing pot, y'all have consistently driven like you're stoned to the flippin' bone!

Every time I'm behind a driver committing horrible and unlawful acts, it never ceases to amaze me that the plates bear your fucked up claim-to-fame...that you're from, wait for it...WASHINGTON STATE!

Speeding, weaving, inconsiderate juking and generally driving like assholes is your M.O. and we all know it! Regardless of what the reasons might be, I only know for sure that the only worse drivers sharing our roads hail from Cerritos or Grden Grove, California (ones who hail from the far east and don't speak in the plural form!)

All that aside, please, our friendly neighbors to the north, I beg of you: Follow the fucking rules of the roads we all share OR stay on your own damn side of the Columbia River! Welcome to Oregon, but if you drive like an asshole, go the fuck home...unless you're coming here to share some of your newly legalized weed!!!

Here we are in a economic downturn and the City can spend money on new bike lanes... A new bike sharing program... Rose festival buildings.... And every other zoo zoo's and wham wham's one could imagine except for citizens thats right.... The one thing we have not seen is the City putting more money into helping out the unfortunate.

Maybe less zoo zoo's and wham wham's and more shelter beds for the homeless and mentally ill and more soup for the kitchens.

Ok, I get it. You're homeless and you have to pee. That's cool. But the minute you start grunting and rubbing your penis with great vigor, that's when I call the cops

DON'T JERK OFF IN MY YARD.

There's this one site in Portland where people can write about stuff, but not give they're name. They get to remain mysterious, which is sometimes pretty cool. This site also allows people to comment on these writings and if you're a frequent visitor, you'll soon recognize familiar names. Most of the people who comment are ok, none are rocket scientists and then there's the select few are are just dicks. Anyway, this one time, a dick got booted off because he was trying to antagonize people, sort of like a wittle baby who's not good at sharing his candy... a bully baby, maybe. So, this wittle baby gets booted off, but does he actually leave? No. He's still on that site, under a different name, but his pathetic attempts at attention are so see-through, it's totally obvious it's him... or her, or it. I mean, it's really sad, to get kicked off and stuff, and then try to get back in with a different ID. I think the Yahoo comment boards would suite this person better, because it's filled with his kind of folk. If you really think about it, he's sorta stalking this site, which is a little creepy if you ask me... but, you didn't, so I'll go...

Seriously, WHAT THE F*CK?! As is customary after a long day of hot rodding around and flexing my stiffy, I'm enjoying my lolly pop ride home with a box of candies and all the sudden I have to dodge your oblivious, pathetic and ignorantly repeated attempts to wreck me on my bicycle; splitting lanes to jump in front of me and slam on the brakes (I skid and swerve around), running me into the curb (I hop onto the sidewalk and high-five a pedestrian), driving ONTO the sidewalk and braking (I pee a little and slip back into the street). Terrified witnesses dial 911 as they watch you're drunk ass swerve all over the road forcing other drivers into oncoming lanes and onto sidewalks to avoid being hit by your piece of shit as we all commute home. Yes, I was riding my bike in the street. Doing so keeping pace with traffic and staying on the shoulder. Maybe it was my hella bright and blurry lights that set you off or perhaps it was my stripiest turbo socks, shredded ink covered legs, and pig tails. It was after all MY fault right?! I hope your jail time is as short as your temper after the way you yelled at the police before they kindly chauffeured you away to the Butt Buddy Inn. BTW, even while spinning on my loaded down and "brakeless" fixie, YOU MISSED ME. *PFTHT* And I still have all my gum drops AND lolly pop. Suck it you limp dick fuck-

Okay, here's one. Parents who let/encourage/instruct their kids to use the handicapped door switch instead of just opening the door. These kids love to do it but they generally love to do it with all their brute baby strength or run full tilt into the thing. I've seen them barrel around actual wheelchair bound citizens to get their button-pushing glory and fight visciously with siblings for the honor.

So is it out of line to ask yuppie parents to stop teaching their kids to do this? Those buttons are in danger of breaking from baby thwacking and it takes forever to get them fixed. That's not a baby on that blue button. It's a handicap symbol. Are the kids learning to be helpful of learning to be lazy? And anyway, eventually it might serve their interests to have them learn to open a door... for when those buttons finally break.

Hello.
I am a door-to-door canvasser who works full-time for a non-profit organization. I noticed that you have a “No Soliciting” sign posted, so even though I am not selling anything and am actually working on behalf of the public interest, which includes you, I did not knock on your door while I was working in your neighborhood recently.
I did, however, want to leave you with this message to let you know that when you donate to a canvasser who comes to your door, you are not merely giving money to an organization; you are making a political statement about the issue at hand.
Someone who writes a check for $100 to support something that they weren’t thinking about five minutes ago is making one hell of a political statement about the issue at hand.
You can always support any organization financially through its website. But a website can’t knock on your door and disturb you in the middle of dinner in order to prove a point.
Democracy demands participation. If we are to maintain a civilized, democratic society, we must be willing to take our civic duty beyond the voting poll and bring it into our day-to-day lives.
I don’t know you, but if you are someone who is concerned with decisions that are made without your vote, then I encourage you (in fact I implore you) to consider removing your sign and allowing what may come.
Doing so means that from time to time you may encounter those who have agendas you disagree with. But at least you will have had the opportunity t

Dear Management:

I just met my neighbors across the hall, and they are genuine pieces of shit. They scream at each other about their lost drugs outside my front door, and I overheard the woman say she can't afford to get kicked out of yet another place. At 3am this morning I asked them to keep it down, at which point her 20 year old fetal alcohol dropouts called me a "lumberjack faggot."

First of all, thanks for dropping another batch of dead souls outside my front door, and making these apartments the kind of place that parents in hell warn their children about.

Secondly, what can I do to facilitate the eviction, if not extermination, of these human vermin?

Thanksgiving shopping is done. It took me a few but I got all my needed things and got the fuck out.

You people shopping who treat buying eggs like your buying your next home are fucking nuts. They are EGGS for fuck sake. Do you really have to block an entire aisle with your cart as you read the sides of all cartons like its the new release shelf???

You goddamn fertility challenged fuck trophy generator with the great notion to bring the half vacant double wide stoller to the smallest store on the busiest day? Hooray for you and your "race for the cure" shirt.

To the asshole hipster tour guide who decided show his 5 relatives from Needledick North Dakota, where the almond milk selection lives. Fuckyou!

Hey shitheel with iPhone whilst shopping, might want to look up every few steps....oh I'm sorry. Excuse me! Sorry about that.

When the Bush, temporary tax cuts expire next month, are you more happy that people with more money than you will have to pay higher rates or are you more excited about government having to cut federal spending?

Your meal and drinks cost twice what mine do and yet you insist on splitting the check down the middle. You never tip. The only time you take your elderly father out to dinner is when you have some jackass coupon or it's his birthday at some high class place where "birthday boys eat for free". You steal all the toilet paper, printer paper, coffee - pretty much anything that isn't nailed down - from your place of work. You insist on gas money anytime we ride in the car together, when I know for a fact you have been using the company gas card to fill your stupid PT Loser for years. You enter every contest and when you win something you instantly try to get your friends to buy the worthless shit. You still live with your parents even though you've been gainfully employed for 20 fucking years. Etc, etc...

All these reasons and more are why I no longer consider you worthy of friendship. And as soon as I can figure out how to get back all the shit you have "borrowed" and not returned over the years ( some of the shit you didn't even ask to borrow in the first place), you will be nothing more than an amusing conversation topic.

Someone once said FUCK DOLLAR RENTAL. I concur whole heartedly. Long story short they're thieving, deceitful, street urchins. I rented a car from two weeks ago and left a camera in a car. I call, they say they'll check the car. They rent the goddamn car out instead! They say IF WE DONT' FIND IT WE DON'T FIND IT. Thanks a lot you philanthropic fucktards. But wait, someone finds my camera and calls me! My camera ends up in my hometown of all places, but the person is coming back to Portland will return my camera. They return my camera to Dollar and then I call Dollar. THEY SAY THEY DON'T FUCKING HAVE IT. The next day? They call and say they do! I go to get the camera, memory card is gone. Goodbye sweet memories, may you rot in hell with all Dollar Rental employees at the airport.

This guy named Judson Phillips says that Barry O'bama has not yet been re-elected president.

Because the Electoral College votes on the Monday after the second Wednesday in December.

According to the 12th Amendment, for the Electoral College to be able to select the president, it must have a quorum of two-thirds of the states voting. If enough states refuse to participate, the Electoral College will not have a quorum. If the Electoral College does not have a quorum or otherwise cannot vote or decide, then the responsibility for selecting the president and vice president devolves to the Congress.

The House of Representatives selects the president and the Senate selects the vice president.

Since the Republicans hold a majority in the House, presumably they would vote for Mitt Romney, and the Democrats in the Senate would vote for Joe Biden for vice president.

If 17 of those states (just over one-third) refuse to participate, the Electoral College will have no quorum, then the election goes to the House of Representatives.

Listen..I appreciate the gesture. I really do.But Every year I end up with a ton of "homemade"gifts.And I fucking can't stand them.Listen..any knitted scarves or hats I won't wear.They look dumb..you only wear them because they look dumb and "homey".Also I would rather not eat jellies and other preserves made in your kitchen..I know you and yore a slob.And you can keep your infused boozes for yourself...I have enough of a headache pretending to be excited when you give me this crap.. Because when you give them to me I have to create this entire story of liking them..or why I'm not wearing them.This crap is forcing me to lie. So...unless you can whip up a copy of Black Ops or a sweet digital camera or something..go ahead and just wish me a happy holidays.Save us both the trouble. Thanks.

Maybe you've seen it by now. The hideous structure made of green painted plywood and what appear to be play structure parts which has appeared at E Burnside and MLK. For weeks I've been driving past it going "Jesus, what the fuck IS it, and more importantly WHY is it?"

Well I googled it, and I guess it's supposed to be art. I'm kind of curious as to the approval process that goes into erecting a public eyesore... I'm hoping that its time with us will be cut short due to the stupidity of making an outdoor sculpture in Portland with plywood, but we might just have to watch it rot until it's labeled a safety hazard and torn down.

I think what bothers me more than the ugliness of the piece itself is that if you look at the artist's blog, it appears that a LOT of time and planning went into this abomination. I thought I might find some answers there as to why its so damn ugly (maybe it's supposed to be telling of the human condition or some shit) but no. Just some bragging about the computer programs and engineering skill that went into making something so completely unattractive and without function.

I did learn this though: It's green because OMG go Timbers!!

A suggestion for business owners who wish to appear "bike friendly" by installing custom made, decorative bike racks outside of their businesses: Try testing the rack for functionality before investing. I'm convinced that most of these racks are made by people who have never attempted to lock a bike to anything, or wish to see all bikes reduced to sad dismantled frames, rusting in the rain, chain hanging dejected where the back wheel used to be.

Those of us who ride bikes like to be able to fit the u-lock though a wheel as well as the frame, but most of these designs are either too awkward/burly/poorly thought out to have bikes properly locked to them, or to be remotely efficient in how many bikes can fit on them.

You know what makes a great bike rack? Those basic "staple" style racks which the city will install for free if you request one.That's right! It's free AND functional! It might not be shaped like a bike or some shit, but I'm pretty sure that most of us who use it don't give a fuck about what it looks like as long as it works.

I would like to thank all those racist, homophobic, and generally backwards-thinking Facebook "friends" for unfriending me since the election. Seriously, thanks. I hope someday they invent a time machine so you can all go back to the 50's where you, your political beliefs and thinly-veiled bigotry belong.