I have just been fired, for no better reason other than I was new to the job. I was the newest concierge at one of the newest green buildings in Portland, the all glass one. I had to be screened, drug checked and background checked to get the job and pass a typing test. Also a psych test. I was very happy getting the job and looked forward to going to work everyday. I had never done this kind of work before. I knew 1-5 people who lived at the building I worked, did not like me, for various reasons. But the other 200 tenants, seemed to like me just fine. Now I'm called into the office and fired. They cite no real definite reason, other than a few complaints.
And that I kept forgetting to put up the,"I've gone to lunch" sign. I have only been at this job for 3 weeks, my first week was training. Which really, there wasnt any.
Now I'm jobless and looking at ending up on the streets.
Thanks rich people, for being such bitchy winy assholes.
I'm sorry I had to be introduced to your world of falsehood and microcosm of existence. Living in your glass walled tomb, absent from reality is exactly what you deserve. TheBoyWithTheMadnessScooter
Somewhere above the clouds, it's a bright sunny day, but down here in Portland, it's raining. It may be daytime, but it's dark. If you're driving your car, turn on your headlights. It's the safe thing to do. It's the law. It's so easy to twist the little switch that turns on your lights.
Most people get this, but a surprising number of Portland drivers leave their lights off, no matter how heavily it's raining. I estimate it to be around 15-20%. If you fit into this group, please change your ways or do the rest of Portland a favor and move to the desert.
Your logo looks like three algae-ridden bungholes, or the face of a three-eyed fish fresh from the Willamette. Do the three round things represent a cluster fuck? If the logo represents a cluster fuck, at least you employ an honesty in graphic design that we won't see in your day to day activities.
Yes, Dick Head, there are other people waiting to fill their cup at the drink fountain. Did you notice? Not likely since you’re so fucking focused on tapping the dispenser over and over to max out your cup. What is it with rude idiots like you, who never seem to get that we’re not all on 3 hour lunch breaks with nothing to fucking do except get as much soda for free as possible. I wouldn’t even be standing behind your ass if the water dispenser wasn’t part of the same machine. And while you’re filling your cup, shut the fuck up. A line is forming because you’re busy blabbing and bogarting the entire machine. You can’t seem to figure out how to move aside so two people can use two fountains. Do you need 3 days worth of soda anyway? Just put some fucking soda in the cup and move.
You fucking fuckers. First it was your grease recycling company or whatever the fuck draining your bins at midnight. And then just you being a general pain in the ass. Your employees tossing cigarette butts whereever, talking loudly late at night.
But this last one? Fuck you. You told the company you use to clean your grease traps to come, and I quote, "between 4-5 in the morning."
Even though you don't open until 4:00 in the afternoon.
Fucking classy you douchebags. You're damned right I chewed him out and got him to stop. And you're also right I filed a complaint with the city. Here's the thing. Other businesses actually started cooperating with the local residents about this kind of stuff, with no argument. And there is absolutely no goddamned excuse for you scheduling this for when you did. Especially after we contacted you, without involving the city, on the first incident.
Watch your ass you overpriced dickbags. Because any, and I mean any, infraction that violates city regulations will get reported to the correct body. That includes 'loud voices' which go to the OLCC. We tried being nice. That didn't work. Now we go the other way.
From my back porch I can see you two a few houses down. Putting peanuts on the road around rush time. The squirrels get pegged off, you shovel them into a bucket and then dissapear. What the hell are you two doing with all those dead squirrels? Taxidermy? Pot pies? Don't get me wrong, I'm all about it. It's just when I finally get my pants and shoes on to go investigate, you are both either gone or biking away.
I get it, you think that even though my car is in a parking garage with the windows cracked that my dog is in some kind of serious danger. I will respond to your over-emotional pet-ifesto in kind by saying FUCK YOU, TOO! If you had any heart you would have waited for me and cussed me out in person for my pet abuse ( your words). Rest assured, I will be wiping my ass with your note.
PS - I have no doubt that my dog felt more joy out of our 45 minute ride than you have ever felt in your cowardly life.
Is it strange that the loud sex my neighbors have doesn't bother me but their choice of television show? Seriously, who the fuck watches Burn Notice - voluntarily?
Our paper-thin walls forces me to listen to every stupid explosion, shitty scripted pun and attempts at drama.
Go back to boning, retards. I'm tired of listening to that stupid show and you two high fiving to it. Gaaaaaawwwwwdddd!
Companies, how about you stop squeezing every last penny out of people? Or pay a living wage? I keep seeing a job posted on Craigslist that I know is about 5,000 below market. What do you think you're going to get for that money? Not to mention a very popular lifestyle blog pays $30 per post for 1000 words and that's high.
So wages are shit but yet Delta is putting people on shitty flights and charging insane amounts of money, BoA is robbing you blind with fees, credit card companies are fucking you over with high interest, the price of groceries and clothes are going up, Tri-Met is going down the shitter fast. So who has the fucking money? It's certainly not the rest of us. And there isn't fuck all we can do about it.
Just once when I spend money, I'd like for it to be value.
I'm not the cleanest of people, I know and admit this. But, I didn't think I'd ever have this problem because of it. My sister, whom I live with, just told me that she's late. We've been roommates for over a year and we talk often. She's had trouble with dating and so have it, so be it. Ok, so when I pleasure myself, sometimes I have to take a shit after, like that one bowling movie with Bill Murray, whatever. Recently, I remember dropping a load, then sitting on the toilet to take a dump and having a shower afterwards. My fear is that I might have left some drops of spooge on the toilet and when she sat down after my shower... fuck, I don't know if she could have gotten pregnant from it. When she told me she was late, I thought nothing of it, but then, the day after, while engaging in my daily routine, I noticed that I did leave cum on the seat. That's when it clicked and that's when the fear struck. I thought it over for a day or two and now I'm getting freaked. I know she hasn't dated anyone in a few months, so what else could it be? Do I tell her? How could I? If I wait too long and my suspicion proves to be true, then it'll be even worse. But if I tell her now, it will just be a fucking disgusting thing to tell your sister, but at least she could go get tested or something. This is some fucked up shit. I was going to write Dan Savage, but that might take too long. Any advice will be much appreciated. I feel sick to my fucking stomach right now.
I noticed something of note today. I don't always have these sudden moments of clarity but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. I noticed something so spectacular, it could only be saved for Saturday night entertainment. I offer you this information free of charge and ask only one thing in return. You take this information and ponder it with your friends over your favorite beverages tonight.
My nuts and Courtney Cox are alike because they are both wrinkled and both have been surprisingly successful over the years.
There appears to be some kind of theme here recently and with that Grossology exhibit, I thought I'd keep it going. For my work, I have to drive all around Portland, which I love. What I don't love is, as Homer Simpson says is a "stupid lack of public urinals". He's right, to find a place to relieve one's bladder in this town is nearly impossible. So, I have had to memorize locations of porta-pottys. All of them are filthy, but at least the graffiti is sometimes entertaining. Anyway, you can't help but look into the toilet tank when taking a piss, and some of the loads I've seen in there are quite amazing. I have often wondered what the person ate in order to produced such a dump? Well, I recently found out by pure happenstance. This is what I took in on that day I'll never forget: Breakfast: 2 cups of coffee and a half of bag of beef jerky (I was in a rush and it was in my vehicle) Lunch: bacon burger w/fries, Coke, bag of spicy peanuts. Midday snack: More jerky. Dinner: chicken Tacos with all the fixin's, 24 oz can of that Budweiser and Clamato thing (don't ask me why I drank this), chips and salsa, 3 glasses of red wine and ice cream. The next morning, I produced a shit that would make any hobo envious. It was bright orange and the smell was quite overwhelming. I was both ashamed and proud of what I had done and I paused to analyze my creation before I flushed it. I was in such awe, that I texted my friend and gave him the recipe. Now I give it to you...
If I hear the term "dirty hippie" one more fucking time I swear to god I'm gonna mace some CEO with kombucha. You're damn right I smell like patchouly and B.O. (I like the way I smell and so does my girlfriend), that's because I ride my clothes till I say they're good and done and I don't flush 5000 gallons of potential drinking water a year compulsively washing my clothes. (My body, by the way, is very clean - my pussy especially so - but don't worry you'll never get to see it:) You think you smell like peaches and cream? I think you smell like privilege and corruption. You do laundry seventeen times a week and drive a Prius, but you voted for someone who would gladly dig for coal in your back yard - also known as the "en-VI-ron-ment", (you know, the place where water comes from?) - to sell you all that squeaky clean electricity. Meanwhile, me and my "dirty hippie" friends are doing our laundry together and trying to figure out how the fuck we are going to clean up after your ignorant snotty mess so our grandchildren have clean water to bathe in.
Craigslist TV sellers: Thanks for letting me know you paid $3,000 dollars for your TV in 2008, and therefore, $1,000 is a great deal. But did you have to add "Price is firm- No low-ballers!" I can buy a larger TV off the shelf new with far better features for $999. I'd be interested in making a deal, but every time I even try to negotiate, I get called a low-baller. If you had an LCD watch with no collector's value costing $799 in 1985, you think it's a good deal to ask considerably more than what a new one costs ($5)? Obviously you do. Well, I see your ad day after day. Guess your target market of idiots is not coming through.
I shat my pants today, but just a little. It was enough to feel though... it felt sorta wet and sticky, but not enough to run down my leg or anything. Ok, I'll admit it: this happens a lot. It always has, and I don't know why. I've tried to change my diet, I've even quit drinking beer, but for some reason, I'm cursed with wet and sticky farts. In my younger days, I'd run to the nearest bathroom to clean myself up. As the years progressed, I had to learn to ignore it, but I couldn't. It's a weird thing to feel a light coating of shit on your ass. It doesn't smell or anything, there's not enough of it, lucky me. And, I never leave skid marks, it's always just a very light coating. I don't know how many times I've had to hit the bathroom to wipe my ass before having sex with a woman. Too many times, really. Today, I'm ok with it because I'm single. And, since this is an anonymous venue, I can admit that I now actually like the way it feels. In my head, I have given this thing a name, I call it "sticky buns" and I'm sure you can figure out why. I am a clean person, I guess I just have this weird thing where I like to feel the stickiness my wet farts leave on my ass cheeks. I'm not Hitler or anything... I mean, I was kind of forced to like it, since there's not much I can do to prevent it. I should start a club or something, for I know I can't be alone in this.
I had a party last month and some of my friends brought over cocaine. I don't do hard drugs, but didn't mind that they did, I stuck with beer and pot. The next day, when I was cleaning up, I found some of the cocaine they did on the counter. Don't fucking ask me why, since I've never done hard drugs, but I decided to try it. I still don't know why, maybe it was because they all seemed to having such a great time. I have seen enough people do it, so I knew how to snort it... and I did. It made me do something that I had never done, nor ever want to do again. It made me so fucking horny I couldn't believe it. So, I hopped into my bed with my lube and starting going for it. A few minutes in, I realized that I couldn't come and the overwhelming desire to stick my finger up my ass came across me. I lubed up my fingers, slide them inside of me and continued to masturbate. I came minutes later and it was amazing. I also came down off the coke and once I realized what I had done, I felt completely guilty. I've never done anything like that before, and I don't know where that desire came from. Now, I'm feeling dirty, ashamed and even more guilty. Cocaine IS a helluva drug, I guess... a drug I will NEVER do again. By the way, this is our little secret, ok?
Ahh yes. Fall. The warmth of a fireplace, hot apple cider, sweaters, and huge piles of pretty leaves.
I especially appreciate the nicely formed mounds you folks in the Laurelhurst neighborhood make year after year. Raked and constructed onto the street usually on a Sunday, marking another productive weekend.
Later that night or earlier that Monday, I'm the guy that drives through and knocks down as many heaps as I can.
Last year I discovered with my windows rolled down, I can hear some of you yelling at me.
Now that I'm not laughing hysterically, I must freely admit that it is your yelling that keeps me coming back. Keep it up!
I was walking down Alberta Street last night and there were four parked vehicles with dogs in them near the vicinity of some fine eateries. Each dog lost its shit when I walked by with my dog, including one who was spraying loads of spittle all over the back window (of a Subaru, of course). My dog decided to spend a couple of minutes sniffing a tree right there so I felt good that you would have extra slobber to clean up but felt bad for your Cujo and the stress it caused him.
Given the location of the vehicles and the time, I assume the owners were having dinner. I accept that people will leave the dog in the car to run a quick errand or two, but if you're going to park your ass for an extended period of time, leave fido at home, especially when they can't handle their shit.
I stepped in yet another pile of dog shit this morning and I'm getting sick and tired of it. I hear all these anti-children people out there bitching about the random kid crying or whatever. Are you kidding me? I live in SE, off of Belmont and 28th and do you know how much fucking dog shit is in this neighborhood? I've never lived in an area with so much shit left out in the open. Every morning when I get into my car at 7:00am, 30 seconds into my drive, I'm smelling shit! I'm understandably too groggy to grab my FLASHLIGHT every fucking morning to inspect the path to my car. For fuck's sake, why should I have to? I am sick and tired of people letting their dog's shit out in the open. I hate you people... with an ever increasing intense passion. Give me a crying baby any day of the week, I'll take it over piles and piles of dog shit. FUCK YOU.
Overall, I am not against measures like this in dire times, but PPS can barely graduate 60% of its students on time, so I'm bitter about this as the arts is the least of PPS' problems right now. How about a math and science tax before an arts tax? I'd gladly pay twice the cost now for that instead. I have digressed, but hopefully you get my point.
So all I ask is that PPS teach it's future 40% failing students some graffiti. Current high school drop outs are doing a very poor job of vandalizing this city, and I see it everyday from their lack of an art background.
I think this is a fair trade, not that I condone vandalism, I actually hate it. It just makes the best of this situation.
I cannot express enough how fed up I am with your passive aggressive, smart than you bullshit. I refuse to foster to your prissy-ass attitude, but remain professional. Get over your fucking self. If you feel you're over worked, then cut back! Don't take it out on our patients, or on your supportive staff. At this point, I do not give a shit that you went to school for 12 yrs and have letters after your name. You're a prick. A total complete prick and you need a wake up call.
My fellow Americans, I'd like to thank you for your support. I want to say that it was a hard fight we fought, and all the money in the world (literally) just wasn't enough. I fought for freedom, liberty and justice and we would have made America great, by going back to same old failed Republican policies that you were somehow ok with. I want to thank you for swallowing all of my lies, following me like sheep and backing my immoral behavior. I'm sure when you were pressed for details from friends and family regarding my plans and policies, you happily regurgitated my talking points. Perhaps when you were pressed beyond the talking points, your brows furrowed and you were at a loss for words, like a deer in the headlights. Oops, I mean sheep. When I talked about the 47%, you were just too dumb to figure out that I was talking about you. When I made a fool of myself overseas, you just pointed to Obama and all his foreign policy failures, of which there were none. You were my ignorant little children and I thank you for supporting me. I want you to keep your heads up high and look on the bright side, like 4 more years of complete obstruction by our Republican congress, we're (the 1%) still in good hands, do not fret. And don't worry about me, I'll be just fine making multi-millions shipping more American jobs overseas, avoiding taxes and living a life none of you ever will. Missouri is the holy land and my religion, which no one could talk about, is really freaky. -Mitt Romney
Exit polls show the two main demographics who voted against legalizing weed were women and old people. To protest, I'll be randomly ejaculating in the faces of all women and old people. Fuck you. If you'd let me smoke my weed in peace I'd keep my dick in my pants, but no, you had to be a raging twat probably because you once dated some guy who preferred skunky trees over your incessant nagging between chugging box wine and tivo'd episodes of Gossip Girl. So fuck you. You better start keeping some plastic wrap in your purse cause I'm like Gallagher bitch.
I take Tri-Met all the time, and this is starting to drive me CRAZY!Why do people feel the need to take up 2 seats (or 3)when a bus or train is crowded or full?Is this some sort of strange entititlement? And how the hell do you tell these stupid rude goofballs "WHY DON'T YOU MOVE OVER,YOU ASSHOLE!ARE YOU BLIND!"Perhaps Tri-Met needs courtesy clerks to patrol their buses as well.Or perhaps a few of these riders will read this and say"I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS BEING SUCH A BUTTHEAD!"
My friend hooked us up, after I asked her if she had any single lady friends. We went out, and we hit if off. On our third date, we had sex and it was great. You were kinky and so am I, and we stayed up a good portion of the night experimenting with one another. The morning after, as you were still asleep, I climbed on top and entered you. About 45 seconds into it, you woke up and struggled to get away, but I held you down. The night before, we were doing things much more intense than this, so I thought it was ok. You finally screamed, scratched the fuck out of me, pushed me off and ran out of the room. I was dazed. What the fuck? You left shortly after, ignoring my attempts to talk with you. That afternoon, my friend calls to scream at me and call me a rapist. A rapist?! She said we're no longer friends and she's going to tell everyone what I did. I can't believe this is happening to me! I really don't know what to do now, except to beg for forgiveness. If either of you read this, I'm sorry!
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