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Every night I wake up screaming, my skin slicked with icy sweat. "WHAT THE FUCK," I scream, "HAS HARRY POTTER BEEN UP TO?" My windows rattle in their frames; the paint on my trembling walls cracks and flakes. I gasp. When did I start crying? Eyes white and wild, I search the empty blackness, desperate for an answer—an answer that is not there. An answer that is not anywhere. "What...." I whisper. My voice is a weary rasp. "What has he been doing...."

NO MORE. This Sunday at 12:01 am, the script for J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Parts I & II will finally be sold in bookstores—and for those of us in Portland who can neither fly to London to see the stage production nor Apparate to Flourish and Blotts in Diagon Alley, Powell's is having midnight release parties for the book. They'll be at Powell's City of Books (1005 W Burnside), Powell's on Hawthorne (3723 SE Hawthorne), and Powell's Books at Cedar Hills Crossing (3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton).

For previous Harry Potter books, the Powell's release parties have really been something: The downtown location would close off NW Couch; there was music and butterbeer and Dumbledores; there were a billion people dressed up in robes and scarves; there were a bunch of kids up waaaaay past their bedtime. For Harry Potter fans, they were fantastic; for anyone who's just a fan of, oh, I don't know, books or reading or people reading books, it was amazing to see people lining up around the block to pick up any new book so they could stay up all night reading. It's the kind of thing that used to happen with Dickens. But, you know, with wizards, so better.

I emailed Powell's Events Coordinator Jeremy Garber to find out what those three Powell's locations have planned for the release of Cursed Child.

"There will be no street closures this time, but we have line activities planned for each location (including “photo booth” selfies, trivia questions with prizes, costumed employees, etc.)," Garber wrote back. "As with the last Harry Potter release, we’ll also have a commemorative stamp for readers who’d like to have their books stamped to mark the occasion. Additionally, both the Burnside and Cedar Hills stores will have self-guided scavenger hunts throughout the day on Saturday, along with decorations and other festivities. All wizards and muggles welcome!"

You hear that? All wizards and muggles welcome. Which means there'll be plenty of people stuck next to me in line lots of new best friends to share my Cursed Child theories with!

THEORY THE FIRST: Harry Potter grew up to be a negligent parent, and that's why the cover of Cursed Child shows his depressed son Albus imprisoned within a Golden Snitch that has been crudely fashioned out of filthy yard garbage

THEORY THE SECOND: Ronbledore?

THEORY THE THIRD: Wait. So if Harry's a dad now, and if the last Harry Potter book took place in 2007, does that mean Harry Potter and the Cursed Child could be set... in the future?

THEORY THE FOURTH: That's crazy if it takes place in the future!

THEORY THE FIFTH: Kreacher just needed a hug

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