- “Oh dear lord, it’s hot. I wish there was a Blogtown tip sheet for how to stay cool, and… oh. Hello.”
If you live in an air conditioned domicile… MOVE ON, RICHIE RICH! WE HATE YOUR GUTS! Now that the Mitt Romneys of Portland have left, let’s get to the business of cooling off your insufferably hot house. Here are just a few tips to get you through the weekend:
1) Keep the shades down in your house all damn day! Then when the cooling hours of night (below 75 degrees) approaches, get a box fan and put it facing outwards (yes, blowing out) in an upstairs window. Then open up windows downstairs and in your bedroom—if you have a second fan, put that in the window pointing inward (preferably on the side of the house that’s getting the breeze). The hot air will get pulled up and out as the fresh cool night air comes in. In the morning, keep the windows open until it hits 70, then pull the shades and start all over again.
2) Build a swamp cooler! If you’re the industrious type and hate the idea of traveling three miles to buy an air conditioning unit from Fred Meyer, then you can build a homemade “swamp cooler”—but I hate building things, especially when its hot. So a super fast way to do it? Fill up a big bowl with ice and water (or ice packs), and put the bowl directly in front of the fan. Take off all your clothes, and lie on the bed with your swamp cooler pointed directly at your junk. Your “swamp” will feel cooler instantly!
3) Got a dehumidifier? Turn it on, especially if it feels hot ‘n’ humid.
4) Put cool, comfortable cotton sheets on your bed. Oh, you only have satin sheets? FUCK YOU, RICHIE RICH! I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!! (Omigod the heat makes me so angry.)
5) Got a ceiling fan? Set it to run in reverse (counter-clockwise) to pull hot air up.
6) Don’t use your hot appliances: you know, the dryer, the oven, the dishwasher. Eat cool things like salad, and cold pizza which is the best. If you have to cook, try to grill out!
7) Turn on your bathroom and kitchen fans—to suck the hot air away.
8) Take a cold shower… or a hot one! I once dated someone who swore by hot showers in hot weather… because when you get out of a hot shower (at least comparatively) the temperature feels delicious. On the other hand, a cold shower feels good, too. Sooooo… do whatever you want. Just take a shower.
9) I know a lot of you idiots like to wear scarves… even in the summertime. So you can either buy this, or wrap a scarf around a long pliable ice pack and wear that around your neck. You’ll still look like an idiot, but at least you’ll be a cooler-feeling idiot.
10) Sleep outside! Got a hammock, or an inflatable mattress? Find a safe spot either on your roof or patio, away from murderers and raccoons, and finally get a good night’s sleep!
I’m sure I forgot something—support your blistering hot Portlanders by supplying your heat-busting tips in the comments!
Best way to cool down: hold a cold drink / ice pack against the inside of your wrist or elbow. That’s where the veins are nearest the surface. So it cools down your blood, and hence your whole insides, quicker than drinking it.
Or, you know, just hang out at Timberline all day.
No, fuck grilling outside! I can’t open my windows at all most summer days because my neighbors run a charcoal grill from 5:30-10 PM and it fills my entire house with smoke and I know it’s their right and everything BUT HOT WEATHER MAKES ME SO MAD, STEVE, SO MAD.
Go down to your basement. That’s where all the cool in your house goes to hide from you.
Shower beer!
Man, it must suck to not have air conditioning like all you poor people.
Go to the grocery store and walk around their cheese and beer aisles. Pretend that you’re looking around for something and enjoy the sweet, sweet refrigerated air.
$3 movie. Oh yeah. Sweet, sweet A/C.
You live in a two-story house? WHATEVER RICHIE RICH.
I’ll set the thermostat to 68 and just enjoy being viewed as rich for a bit.
I’ll use a spray bottle with rose/lavender water, or just plain water and spray down my flat sheet, then point a fan on it, and get under said sheet to sleep. Sometimes it even makes me TOO cold in this heat! ☺️
Do like The Bundys and move to the supermarket. I love Foodies!