Kalah Allen

I hate Portland almost as much as I hate Netarts. Netarts is a small town on the coast of Oregon that consists of three houses, two of which are being built, and one that looks like the ocean dragged it out to sea, fought with it, and thought it was so ugly that it sent it back to Netarts to live a horrible, Netarty life. But even Netarts isn't as bad as Portland's ego problem. Portland boys hide behind beards to prove they still hold a modicum of masculinity beneath their designer cowboy boots and parkas. Artistic rejects from around the country have migrated here to fulfill a life of "expression" and exciting nightlife. Eventually our job market will be dominated by graphic design and environmental studies. Then our economy will drop as a result of Portland's failure to produce college graduates who actually hold the intelligence to conduct a successful business. In 10 years Portland will be abandoned. The only sign of life will be the artistic 30-somethings hiding in their basements, painting. I recommend that everyone move immediately.—Anonymous