T hroughout the history of America, the home science project has become a national, cheap entertainment staple. Countless forgotten E=MC Einsteins, Moldy Marie Curies, and "What Happens If I Put Jesus In Piss" Mapplethorpes, have spent their lives mixing shit together for the advancement of science or practical jokestering.
Doubtless, most of all home science projects occur by chance. From Chigger & Crabs Mattress Ranches to forgotten refrigerator Don-King's-Head-Baloney Fungus modeling, we've got the best science experiments going!
Sure, there are the occasional Magic Rocks experiments gone bad ("You crystallized my angelfish!"), Sea Monkey debacles ("Oh my God! I made Ramen with my Sea Monkey herd!"), and Roommate Toilet Experiments ("I peed on your puke that you puked on her poop!"). But the majority of provocative home-based science experiments are random accidents!
Planned or not, home scientific discoveries must be shared with the public to prove the validity of American ingenuity, ignorance, and malice toward those who may deserve piss in their coffeepots.
In an effort to expand, enlighten, and (as always) entertain, It Sure Is A Scientific World hereby calls for home science experiment enthusiasts to come forward, tell their tales, and then wash their hands of it with anti-bacterial soap.
Have you ever baked a complimentary batch of Ex-Lax Chocolate Chip Cookies for the swim team? Have you tested the structural integrity of multi-story litter box contents? What about beer bottle terrariums? If so, you qualify to enter the "It Sure Is A Scientific World Home Science Project" Contest!
How to enter: Simply describe your purposeful or accidental Home Science Project on the ugliest postcard you can find and send it to 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, 97210.
Entries will be judged on originality, bullshit quotient, grossness, and choice of postcards that we can eventually sell on e-Bay's Miscellaneous Crap site. The winner of the contest will receive $25 U.S. cash money (not that Euro horse hockey), a box of light bulbs, and a bar of anti-bacterial soap. Selected entries will be published here.
So, home science project specialists, submit your entry, salute the flag, and know that in a country as free as ours, you don't need a Ph.D. to better the world scientifically. You're just not going to find that shit in any country belonging to the Axis of Evil. U.S.A.-Boom-Bah-Yay!