Halitosis? Spit out those Dentine Ice wads and chew up a copy of the new Scientific American! It's not as sexy as sucking on an icy-cold TV model's erect nipples, but it may help your breath smell better.

Leave it to Scientific American to tackle the big issues. In the April 2002 edition, there is a feature article called "The Science of Bad Breath," by Mel Rosenberg! It is a startling eight beautiful pages untegumenting the physics of bad breath. What I wouldn't GIVE to do an eight-page feature for the Mercury on something that significant!

If you're anything like this scientific columnist, you've awoken more than once squatting in a puddle of agar, surrounded by broken beakers and test tubes, with caustic breath stinking of experimentation! Shit-faced is what Dr. Dad used to call it! Shit-faced with correspondingly in kind breath!

This is the most comprehensive collection of layman-focused halitosis data I've ever seen! Not only does it cover what causes bad breath, but also rides the rising prow of respectability by charting what other scents bad breath resembles. See, if you're on Scientific American's "Most Unwanted List of compounds commonly produced by mouth bacteria, and their odors"!

1. Hydrogen sulfide = Your breath stinks like rotten eggs! Phew!
2. Methyl mercaptan = FECES! YOU GROSS FUCK!
4. Cadaverine = Corpses. Man, that is just wrong. Spit that out.
5. Putrecine = Decaying meat. (See issue quotes from Dr. John Floss p. 74)
6. Isovaleric acid = Sweaty feet.

A blind acorn could see the graveness of the situation. Question is, is bad breath in your mouth or just in your head? "Billions of dollars of breath-freshening products may be bought by individuals who only fear they have a problem," the article states. Not sure? Ask a friend for help, and no, belches aren't breath. They're esophagus bubbles.