Are You a Bad Correspondent?
Are you listless, irritable and chronically guilt-ridden? Do you start letters in your head but never seem to sit down to write them? Does your annual holiday card to your family begin, "Remember me?" You may be a bad correspondent! At the Self-Hell Institute in Helsinki, we have a whole wing dedicated to the study and care of bad correspondents. This research has led to the following treatment--a letter that even the worst correspondent can quickly personalize for any situation. Recovery is within reach! Just check the appropriate boxes, clip and mail. It's that simple!
Dear [  Parent,  Friend,  Lover,  Congress Person,  Other]:
I've been thinking a lot about you lately and just wanted to write to [  say hi,  ask for money]. How are you? I haven't seen you since [  Columbus Day,  Hyannis Port,  tenth grade,  this morning]. It seems like forever.
You'll be [  pleased,  sorry] to know that I am [  doing just great,  devastated]. I recently got [  a raise,  herpes,  out of rehab], and I have been spending a lot of time doing [  work around the house,  push-ups,  court-ordered community service]. I am hoping to finish [  my screenplay,  the divorce proceedings,  that book you got me] by fall. Then I'm planning to spend a few months [  hitchhiking across the country,  taking business courses at the junior college,  torching SUV dealerships].
Anyway, let's make a better effort to keep in touch! A personal letter is such a treat. I apologize for [  not calling more often,  breaking up with you this way]. See you [  tonight,  soon I hope,  in hell]!
Give my love to everyone.
 your son/daughter
 your friend
 a constituent