Are You a Bad Correspondent?

Are you listless, irritable and chronically guilt-ridden? Do you start letters in your head but never seem to sit down to write them? Does your annual holiday card to your family begin, "Remember me?" You may be a bad correspondent! At the Self-Hell Institute in Helsinki, we have a whole wing dedicated to the study and care of bad correspondents. This research has led to the following treatment--a letter that even the worst correspondent can quickly personalize for any situation. Recovery is within reach! Just check the appropriate boxes, clip and mail. It's that simple!

Dear [ [] Parent, [] Friend, [] Lover, [] Congress Person, [] Other]:

I've been thinking a lot about you lately and just wanted to write to [ [] say hi, [] ask for money]. How are you? I haven't seen you since [ [] Columbus Day, [] Hyannis Port, [] tenth grade, [] this morning]. It seems like forever.

You'll be [ [] pleased, [] sorry] to know that I am [ [] doing just great, [] devastated]. I recently got [ [] a raise, [] herpes, [] out of rehab], and I have been spending a lot of time doing [ [] work around the house, [] push-ups, [] court-ordered community service]. I am hoping to finish [ [] my screenplay, [] the divorce proceedings, [] that book you got me] by fall. Then I'm planning to spend a few months [ [] hitchhiking across the country, [] taking business courses at the junior college, [] torching SUV dealerships].

Anyway, let's make a better effort to keep in touch! A personal letter is such a treat. I apologize for [ [] not calling more often, [] breaking up with you this way]. See you [ [] tonight, [] soon I hope, [] in hell]!

Give my love to everyone.

[] Sincerely,

[] Love,

[] Regretfully,

[] your son/daughter

[] your friend

[] a constituent

[] anonymous