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I will not start off this review by saying all previous Spider-Man movies were garbage—because they weren’t. Some were mediocre, and the rest were garbage. So let’s never speak of them again, because Spider-Man: Homecoming isn’t only the best Spider-Man film ever made—it might just be the current reigning champion in the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)