THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
It’s Clark’s first day at the Daily Planet… and he’s immediately laid off due to downsizing.

8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Season premiere! Joy cons the Make-a-Wish Foundation into sending a celebrity to her trailer.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

6:00 ALL NETS PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
It’s young and virile Barack Obama vs. the old and translucent-skinned John McCain. WHO YA GOT?!?

11:00 HBO REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Don’t miss what’s sure to be a hilarious wrap-up of tonight’s debate!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

10:00 HBO CHRIS ROCK: KILL THE MESSENGER
The pants-crappingly funny Chris Rock returns with another comedy concert.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season premiere! Marge accidentally begins work at an erotic bakery; sexy shenanigans ensue!

11:00 HBO THE LIFE AND TIMES OF TIM
Debut! Tim is a schlub who watches helplessly as his life unravels in this new animated sitcom.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

8:00 NBC CHUCK
Season premiere! Chuck asks Sarah out on a real first date (not a fakey secret agent date where there’s no chance of sex).

10:00 NBC LIFE
Season premiere! The eccentric Detective Charlie returns, and he’s on the trail of the jerkiest serial killer yet.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

9:00 CW PRIVILEGED
Megan finds a porno DVD in Rose’s bookbag—which isn’t nearly as bad as the stuff she’d find in my bookbag.

10:00 FX THE SHIELD
A murderous nemesis goes after Claudette, forcing Vic to open up a truckload of whup-ass!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1

8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
The models are asked to pose as “natural disasters.” WTF?? This show is so horrible… and I love it!

10:30 COM LEWIS BLACK’S ROOT OF ALL EVIL
Season finale! Lewis and the “lawyers” discuss which is more evil: The Hills or “rocket scientists.”