Are you tired of relying on singles bars, speed-dating services, and prevaricated personals to find potential mates? Isn't it annoying relying on haphazard, "luck-of-the-draw" means of sifting through the masses looking for someone compatible with your interests (which undoubtedly include binge drinking, drug abuse, street racing, identity theft, and other felonious infractions)?
Well, due to budget shortfalls, cramped jails, and overburdened public defenders, the art of "desperado-dating" has never been easier thanks to the Multnomah County Sheriff's Department!
After voters axed Measure 28,
Multnomah County established an enchanting new "database" consisting of hundreds of sexified "
Early Release Inmates" from the county clink. Then, with righteous impunity, the county posted their pictures and home addresses online, so lovelorn hornies like you and I can peruse them and see which ones we want to hump.
For now, these offenders are charged with Class C felonies or lower: drug possession, car theft, burglary, forgery, prostitution, shoplifting, trespass, vandalism, and similarly sexy infractions. But the list is growing! Soon, what we like to call the "Release-A-Date Perpetrators Database (RADPAD)" will expand to include higher crimes, including home invasion, rape, and sodomy!
Said Sheriff Bernie Guisto to a KATU reporter, " ...we are now into releasing rape one, sodomy one, robbery one, assault two...and not just a few." I love it when he talks like that. He sounds so swingle.
MR. SHERIFF, RELEASE ME A DREAM
And how do they choose which prisoners to release? According to Multnomah County's carefully worded website, they claim to have "
created criteria that allows for an objective calculation of those that serve the most and least risk to the community."
This results in what they call a "matrix score."
The website explains, "When there are more people who need a bed than available beds [sic] or because of severe budgetary restraints, as we are seeing now, those with the lowest matrix scores are released into the community, and those with the highest scores remain in jail."
Prematurely releasing these inmates is not something we, the Sheriff's Office, want to do," the site goes on to say. "Multnomah County has jail space available, but the Board of County Commissioners has not funded our ability to operate this space. Our agency is concerned about these releases and thought the public would be, too. We have built this Web site because it is our belief that an informed public is a safer public."
Since posting the Release-A-Date un-convicts, nearly 80,000 lovebirds have perused the site, and now you can, too! Here's how it works! Simply type in the Release-A-Date URL (http://www.inmatereleases.org) and take a cursory look at who's available. Once you get the hang of it, it's a cinch to find exactly who or what you're looking for, especially with nearly 350 souls to choose from, and even better? Some are living within easy walking distance of your home!
Keep in mind, these hotties have NOT BEEN CONVICTED! They're innocent until proven sexy! And even guilty perps won't see a judge until later this summer, leaving plenty of time to plan for romantic conjugal visitations. Perfect for spring flings!
With Release-A-Date, searching for love has never been easier! For visually oriented individuals, one can simply browse by mug shots. But for a more detailed exploration, Release-A-Date provides a searchable database. All one has to do is pick a favorite alleged crime from among the many offered, look for a pretty face or compatible puss, jot down their address and make the first move!
But there's more! Not only does Release-A-Date offer mug shot and crime searches, it also includes a handy Zip Code Search, to find that perfect date right in your own neighborhood!
LET ME AT 'EM!
Now, we wanted to provide a current sampling of Release-A-Date candidates (along with actual photos and addresses) that would surely convince you of the excitement and importance of this new dating phenomenon! However, since these people were not actually convicted of any crime, it would be within their right to sue our collective asses off. Therefore, we have chosen to provide "composite" sketches and fake bios based on actual Release-A-Date participants in order to keep our company out of hot water. (Of course, if any participant would like to sue Multnomah County for slandering their good name, then by all means be our guest.)