IF YOU LIKE SEX—and you do like sex, right?—then the annual HUMP! amateur porn festival (co-sponsored by Ninkasi Brewing Company and She Bop) is the highlight of your filthy-minded year!
Every fall, we (and our sister paper in Seattle, The Stranger) invite amateur filmmakers and sex lovers from all over the Northwest to make their own five-minute-long dirty home movie and submit it to HUMP! for consideration. For the filmmakers and participants, it's impossibly sexy and exciting, and perhaps the only place where one can dabble in porn without the embarrassing aftereffects. (Hi, Dad!) See, we want HUMP! participants to be a porn star for a day, and not the rest of their lives—which is why we strictly control each copy of the film, and then destroy them onstage after the final screening!
And not only will there be the possibility of seeing your friends and neighbors "in the buff and doin' it rough" on the big screen, YOU get to vote on which film you think is the best, sexiest, and funniest HUMP! flick of them all! And that person will win WADS OF CASH!! WOW!!!
Plus, you'll be happy to know that this year's crop of mini-porns is more sexually diverse and fun than ever! Every possible combination of coitus, rubbing, licking, sucking, and nude wrestling is lovingly explored in this year's HUMP! including hetero, bi, homo, trans, and things that frankly we don't quite know how to classify. But rest assured you'll be squealing, laughing, tingling (down there), and occasionally hiding your face behind your hands—because at HUMP! we promise you will see things you've never seen before.
So how were the HUMP! 2011 finalists chosen? Our in-house team of sexperts (i.e., drooling pervs) screened and carefully chose the 23 finalists you'll be witnessing on screen. Local amateur films are given special consideration—and to prove their flick was shot especially for HUMP!, contestants were invited to insert clues (this year it was the number seven, Super Soakers, and duct tape) into their movies for extra credit. However, the final decision comes down to YOU! At the end of each screening, you'll be given a ballot, at which point you'll be asked to vote on each of the following categories—with each winner receiving big heaps of MOOLAH-LA!
• Best Humor: $1,000 First Prize, $500 Runner-Up Prize
• Best Sex: $1,000 First Prize, $500 Runner-Up Prize
• Best Kink: $1,000 First Prize, $500 Runner-Up Prize
• Best in Show: $4,000 Grand Prize
Not a bad payday for one night of sex, amirite? Plus it's possible for one entry to win in multiple categories, such as being voted "Best Sex" as well as "Best in Show"—garnering even more cash for the winner and his/her penis/vagina!
What do you need to know about attending this very special sex-positive event? (A) It's sex positive! So we don't like hecklers. Keep your negative feelings about other people's sexuality and body types to yourself—and keep your thing in your pants. (B) We're serving beer and booze! Because sex is easier with lubrication. (C) Don't even think about using your cell phone. The brave participants of HUMP! are entrusting us with the images of their naughty bits—so if you pull out your phone? We WILL pull it out of your hands, and smash it to smithereens right in front of your stupid face. THAT'S A PROMISE. (D) This event is 21+ only. (Sorry, teens! But watching grownups have sex is gross anyway.) And (E) You will have fun! There's nothing quite like sitting in a sold-out movie theater screaming and squealing along with like-minded sex lovers like yourself. And who knows? You might even pick up a little education or a new fetish along the way.
As of press time, tickets are only available for the recently added 2 and 4:30 pm shows on Saturday, November 19—but we will have a very limited number of rush tickets at the box office before every show... so who knows? You might get lucky! In the meantime, here are some quick and dirty descriptions of the short and delightfully filthy five-minute dirty flicks you'll see at HUMP! 2011:
Kegawa Sekkusu "Furry Sex"—With all the flashing, bewildering exuberance of a crazy Japanese music video, one bubbly girl introduces her sexy "furry" animal friends.
Gold Penis—Oh, no! James Bond is trapped in a golden penis lair, moments away from annihilation at the hands of evil villain Handjob! Will he and the luscious Agent 69 survive intact? If we're talking about her hymen, probably not.
One Night Only—Fearless Seattle burlesque performer Waxie Moon stars as a man who would rather be surrounded by a dozen dicks than be taken out for a boring romantic dinner. To each his own!
Donut—Two frisky transgender individuals fuck the living daylights out of a box of doughnuts, and each other, filling every orifice (and there are so many) with tasty sprinkles and cream-filled yummies of various sizes. See? The magic is in the hole!
Rotoscope Myself—Remember Waking Life? It's like that, but with a girl getting herself off for 90 seconds.
Master Cottonmouth's Operate—Two sexy nurses find a man passed out on the street and decide to perform a bloody experimental operation on his family jewels. Ruh-roh.
Go Fuck Yourself—One man time travels to save the world and fuck himself. Then things get complicated.
Kill Screen—An ode to the '80s: A time of Aqua Net, Bowie posters, and three-way sex with Atari joysticks.
Sexbox 360—My my my, more videogame sex! This time featuring a Grand Theft Auto character who's come to life and ready to suck some serious dick. Power up!
Don't Call Me Missy—Surprise! That super vanilla-looking couple next door is into ropes, wrestling, and mild beatings. And, boy, is it hot.
Night of the Giving Head—What's this? A horny hipster zombie motorcycle gang? Hmmm... whatever could they want?
Six Feet Under—This parody starts off at a funeral and takes us on a stroll down the deceased's very dirty memory lane: Some wife fucking, some running buddy fucking, and... wait. Is that his priest?
Knife—This kinky knife-play piece will make you scream and grab your titties. Or someone else's!
Miller's Daughter—Why is this gorgeous animated film in HUMP! and not the National Archives? Probably something about the blowjobs.
The One Where the Girl Is Pushed Against the Door—A soft and beautiful straight couple get rather rough in their apartment. Geez! Watch out for the furniture! It's from IKEA!
A Day at the Beach—An animated romp at a very, very gay beach featuring ample sunscreen application and (our personal favorite) giant shlongs.
Pedal to Pleasure—A traveling cutie ditches her boring boyfriend and hits the road in Greece with just her bicycle and her wandering hands. Don't forget to signal!
Dick Saber—Did you say "strip lightsaber battle in an awkward suburban living room"? It appears that someone lost a bet, hence their appearance in this film.
Double 0 Sexy—James Bond is back! And this time there's a merkin involved!
Mythical Proportions—This mockumentary details the taboo love of humans and centaurs, as enacted by some butt-ugly puppets.
You'll Find It—A parody of a local grocery store commercial turns into an intense kink scene where a man wrapped in Saran Wrap and duct tape gets intimate with a funnel. (You won't find that at Fred Meyer.)
Music for 2 Humans—Aw... this straight couple reminds us that sometimes sex is just nice and special and doesn't involve any knives.
Teenage Dream—A nerd flails miserably on the basketball court and is accosted by mostly nude jocks. Cue dream sequence featuring jock straps and a super fabulous spot-on Katy Perry cover.
HUMP! 2011 takes place at Cinema 21 (616 NW 21st) on Thursday, November 17-Saturday, November 19. HUMP! is co-sponsored by Ninkasi Brewing Company (ninkasibrewing.com) and She Bop (sheboptheshop.com)! Go to portlandmercury.com/hump for more info, screening times, and tickets (if there are any), $15, 21+.