A Non-Survivors' Guide to the Apocalypse 

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NOT ONLY will I be one of the first people bitten when the zombies attack, I'll probably be one of the first zombies shot by the surviving humans. It's going to be a short apocalypse for me.

You're not going to make it far either. You're a reader, and readers are not built for survival. People like you and I, we're just going to be well-dressed, intelligent brain snacks for hordes of the undead to feast upon.

No, stop crying. You're embarrassing yourself (and proving my point, really). You don't actually want to live in a post-apocalyptic world. It seems cool on TV, like camping and playing a first-person shooter at the same time. But it's not cool. There will be scarce resources, terror beyond belief, and lots of running. You'll almost certainly have to skip lunch-dessert.

Remember how grumpy you are when you're tired? You'll be tired the whole apocalypse. Do you get hangry when you don't get an afternoon snack? You won't eat for days and you'll totes take it out on your friends. Do you hate when monsters from beyond the grave try to bite you and drag you down to hell with them? Me, too. That's pretty much your nine to five during the apocalypse.

The good news in all of this is that you don't need to prepare the same way as a "survivor." While they stockpile gasoline and draw escape plans from the Safeway to the gun shop, you and I can focus on these simple tasks:

Pick out your best undead outfit. I suggest muted tones that contrast with your own blood to create exciting visuals. No hats. Zombies in hats are silly. Most importantly: Wear comfortable shoes; there will be lots of shambling.

Leave a note. Your friends won't have much time to mourn you—so make it simple. Lipstick on the mirror works nicely. "Don't feel bad for shooting me. I deserved it. I'm sorry for trying so feebly to bite you; I'm new to this zombie thing."

Make your house zombie-friendly. Just in case the hunters don't find you right away, get rid of the sharp stuff in your house. You don't want to accidentally shamble into something that will end your zombification early. Now THAT would be embarrassing.

Give out mementos. A faded photo in a locket would be best. Give one to everybody who might have to fight forever in your honor. If you can, make it something really charming with a slight visual pun, like you making finger guns at the camera.

Pack something to read. Do zombies read? Probably not at a very high level. Put some picture books around your house in case righteous warriors board it up and kill you later.

Most importantly, set your expectations low. The post-apocalyptic world is full of all kinds of ickiness. Be glad you're going to die early. And when the time comes, don't fight it. You'll just embarrass yourself even further if you die trying to figure out how to fight.

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