FOR EVERY BLOWJOBBY PIECE hyping the Oscars as The Greatest Awards Show in History™, there's the corresponding bah-the-Oscars-are-a-meaningless-sham rant. I've cranked out a few of the latter, and I was tempted to do so again—but then I realized that this year's Oscars might kind of rule. As ever, the meaningless-sham business is totally true, but c'mon: Whenever the best picture contenders include (A) a Sandra Bullock flick that was apparently made expressly for the Lifetime Channel, (B) a film in which a morbidly obese teen steals a bucket of fried chicken and then runs/lumbers down the street, frantically cramming chicken into her greasy mouth, and (C) a blockbuster featuring 10-foot-tall blue aliens who ride dragons and never shut up about recycling and crap, we're more or less guaranteed at least some entertainment.
These Oscars' weirdness are in part due to the Academy nominating a whopping 10 films for Best Picture, something they haven't done since 1943; the result is a whole lotta films getting recognized that otherwise wouldn't have had a chance in hell. That makes for a livelier field, but the fact that Kathryn Bigelow's The Hurt Locker was four billion times better than anything else this year does challenge the wisdom of singling out so many other films.
I'm gonna hold off from making predictions—despite my mother's annual insistence on having me fill out her ballot for her office's Oscar betting pool, I am fucking awful at doing so—but I hereby vow to throw drunken tantrums if The Hurt Locker and Bigelow don't take Best Picture and Director (WHICH SHE HAS DESERVED EVER SINCE 1991'S POINT BREAK), A Serious Man doesn't get Best Original Screenplay, and District 9 doesn't get Best Editing. Also, and purely for my own intoxicated entertainment, it'd be great if co-hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin would be funny, and if they'd show that fried chicken scene from Precious, and if Sandra Bullock would win Best Actress (WHICH SHE HAS DESERVED EVER SINCE MISS CONGENIALITY 14: STILL SASSY). Have some avatars swoop in on some space-dragons to give Sandy her award, and boom: best Oscars ever.